Our Old Place

The cafe on 36th and 3rd,
boarded up like a haunted house 

It's been 12 years and

I know you are holding somebody else

like a cross in the dark

tonight.

but I still trace the cracks
in the windows

and look for you.

 

Like maybe, we are still 15

eating french fries and

Not knowing 

that we'd make it three years -- 

digging records out of yard sale boxes,

chewing on our own heartbeats, 

sleeping in the Long Island Sand

And one day, like most people,
we would hurt each other.
We'd tear the bark off our own hearts

Try to heal like broken bones (never the same)

We are old friends now 

Who walk long distance landlines
like tightropes

and mail bullshit Christmas Cards 

six weeks too late every year 

Ben, just so you know, 
They still haven't torn down our old place.


I can still smell the french fries --

(I can still feel your heartbeat, and mine)
(I can still hear the records)
(I can still taste the sea salt)   

--I'll write to you about it
next year, sometime in January

Author's Note

just taking a stab at writing. It's been a while. Please be kind!

Reviews

[Ua]

I adore your writing. Thanks.

[emipoemi]

I don't think being kind would be a problem, this is not bad for a rusty poet getting back in the game. The imagery is strong and vivid, the message is deep and powerful, and the musicality makes it breathe and dance beautifully. My comments are about minor aspects...with added explanations:

The dashes after "make it three years" are unnecessary.....a comma (or colon) would actually work better (no need to go fancy just for show, stick to the rules of punctuation). Similar note towards the end when "you're" reminiscing about the fries, the sea salt, records, and heartbeats. The dashes could work in a way in this case, but why have everything else in parentheses? They're just as important, for they were given great attention in their respective moments in poem.
The "we'd" that precedes "tear the bark" is unnecessary - you don't need to repeat subjects if it's a continuation of the previous subject....you have "we would" in the previous line, you don't need necessarily need it to repeat it - even for emphasis......It would actually sound much more powerful without the "we'd".
Finally, I find that naming of your addressee takes away from the whole magic and mystery of the poem. If this is for a real person, ok, but the name need not be mentioned. You can say "my [dear] friend" or don't mention a name at all. You'll see how much more powerful the poem becomes without it.

Apart from that, simply well done! bravo!

[Planet x]

That's the type of poetry I love most , you telling me so much in so little , I can't describe how long I waited to read your words here , I will keep it in my Favorites , although I have not clue how to find it again :)

[emipoemi]

Xpressurself, if you go to your home page, on the sidebar, you'll find the Library icon. There would you find your favourites.