Ri

If She Were The Sun And We Were In Egypt

Ri
I call her my sunshine
My Sun God
Now I'm an inhabitant of her world 
And as an Egyptian priest
I worship her 
And pray to her
By spilling and squeezing out my hearts contents before her 
As a sacrifice
I sacrifice myself
I give myself to her
My life
My heart
But the earth runs on a 24 hour cycle
So she at one point has to leave 
So my prayers stay unanswered
The crops wither
And the land suffers

I have wasted time 
In worship I have gained loss
And lost greatly I have
Time I could have used 
To build my own future of great pyramids
I spent on you
Time I could have used to love another Queen 
I spent at your feet
Now as my Sun you have set
You leave me in darkness 
With a knife in one hand
And the desecrated pieces of my heart in the other
And a whole in my chest

But I can't cry
Murmur 
Scream 
Or even talk
I did this to myself
Out of my own will
I mean you never tell
Talkless of answering my prayers
So I tried to show you how much your light was worth
I will die
My crops wither
My Nile dries
So I can't eat
My physical erodes
I'm blind 
Darkness consumes me
I am not myself
I need you for direction
Without you my mental is hysteric
I have lost my way
I run into obstacles 
Traps
Snakes
Scorpions
I can't live as I don't know where I'm heading 
You were my guide as you illuminated this world and drove away the night terrors

You did so much so I kept worshiping
Giving you my first born
Cattle and Livestock
Flames consume them 
They turn to ashes
But you never did take my sacrifice
Ashes are soon blown by the wind and are added to the desert as nothing
They were meaningless
You never accepted a thing
But to stop could mean that you would never return 
And I never question this belief as its ingrained so deeply into me

The people need an answer 
A solution 
They look to me
As an Egyptian Priest I must deliver 
You are my answer
So I keep praying
Sacrificing 
Cutting my heart out
And burning it
Ashes

Its been night for two and a half weeks
I think
And as time is ever passing
I begin to realize u will never return
But I still cut out my heart whenever I can
Because the earth is dying
And we are dying
I am dying
I am nothing
Doubt settles in
But I still try
You left with no warning
Helpless
The grain has grown old 
The cattle lay waste ridden with disease
Did u leave us for a better world
Did u leave us for a greater purpose
Or was it time
Why
Your purpose is greater than your knowledge of it 
But every attempt to tell or show you 
Is like being armless while not being able to speak
While you reside on the other side of the world at night 
No light 
My Sunshine 
Has left me 
So she's no longer mine 
Nor is she Sunshine
Or is she

I prepare for the ultimate 
I dress in ceremonial robes
Acquire a mask that represents yourself
Walk alone in the desert for miles and nights
Equip the knife for the final time
I turn it towards myself
Against my neck
I slowly puncture my throat
I twist 
I feel its blunt edge 
I widen the gape
Cold
A torrent of blood
Franticly I begin to shake
Hurling blood in random directions on the sand beneath me
I lose my sight
Then all feeling
Soon I'm lifeless
Blood surrounds my body
Spelling out the true depth of my being
I love you
written in blood next to my blue corpse
Yet u never rise
Forever set

You warned me
Yet I was too stubborn to listen
I saw what you did to the land 
And what you did to me
How the crops grew and the cattle thrived
How the Nile flowed 
But if I'm dead how can I have you
And now I'm dead you will defiantly never return
Over time the people withered
Became ashes
And joined the desert with me
We are again part of the meaningless multitude
Alone we are nothing
And together we are nothing
Desert
The remains of the past which only build up and cause discomfort
My delusions of grandeur 
So I face the face of my fate 
Face to face we stand 
I embrace it 
It embraces me
I will leave old religions and beliefs and find new ones
No more will I worship the sun

Author's Note

Please Be As Honest And Frank As Possible. I Need To Hear FULL Criticism

Reviews

[...]

(I'm new to reviewing poetry, so bear with me please. :) )
Well, my major criticism of this piece is the use of 'u' in place of 'you'. GOD that annoys me.. >.< But I'm sure a lot of your readers don't really care. I just think if you're going to use the english language to express a feeling, you should use it properly. The english language is full so many words with so many different feelings, and when you use short forms and change words, I feel like you're limiting it. That's just my opinion, anyway...

As for the poem, it was good! The way I interpret it, it's about a girl who left a man, and the man is having a hard time dealing with the loss. He sacrificed everything for her and she didn't do the same. I think a lot of people can relate to that. It can hurt when you try to show someone how much they mean to you, but they don't seem to feel the same way about you.

I think this poem teaches a good lesson, but it may be obscure to some. Maybe even to you. I think it teaches people to stand on their own two feet. We can't let our happiness depend on others. We can't let someone destroy our lives and make us miserable just because we love them and they don't love us. Human relationships are just a small part of life, and there are so many of them we're allowed to experience in our lifetime.

"I will leave old religions and beliefs and find new ones
No more will I worship the sun"

I think you captured that with the last two lines. Loss is painful, but we have to move on, right? No sense in living in misery. So much to experience in life, no time for despair. Just keep moving on!

Sorry for the long review. XD I'm notorious for them, but that's what you get for sending me a read request! :p Oh, and 'you'! 'YOU'! :p jk, do whatever you want.

[Mbali]

This is deep, the feeling, the flow, the desperate failure, the fear. I love it

[PaperDoll]

This is interesting. I like how it could read as an ancient tale about the desertion of a god, but it could also be a metaphor about the desertion of a lover. :)

[Katie L]

this is really good.

[Coyote Poetry]

I like how you made a old tale a more interesting one. Religion is to hard to write about. Need to understand the belief of both to create a strong story. You did. I like the ending. More people need pain and suffering to understand what is right or wrong. A excellent poem.
Coyote

[Lily Mae]

You really penned the times and thoughts very well.. The feelings of strength and then desperate failure.. To embrace death in the end that way for him was the honorable way to go.. Releasing his spirit into the well of souls.. I think this is a great write..x