My Rose Garden

Just another love poem that I thought of.

A small rose petal falls upon your lap.

One more wonderful moment.

Some things may change, but you never will,

Here in my rose garden.

They say that time is ever-changing,

But here in the most beautiful garden,

It is nothing short of eternal.

A slight breeze whips the hair off of your face.

Two orbs of the most lovely blue

Stare directly through my heart,

And straight into my soul.

I wish more than anything

To remain here with you forever.

But time doesn’t stop for anyone,

Except for those caught in your gaze.

Here, in my rose garden,

I spend my days,

One after the next,

Loving no one but you.

Author's Note

After a long hiatus, I make my return! This was something that I wrote one night while away at summer camp. Hope you enjoy!

Reviews

[Ardra]

A slight breeze whips the hair off of your face.
Two orbs of the most lovely blue
Stare directly through my heart,
And straight into my soul.....Very beautifully captured :)

[Oliver Free]

Thank you very much!

[William Liston]

I truly enjoyed this piece. It's different from the borderline prose works I've read by you, but nevertheless, it's evokes just as much emotion as your other pieces. I think you've done very well with this poem ... anyone who loves a good love poem can certainly appreciate it.

I liked the imagery you used because it evokes such a calm, serene atmosphere capable of making almost anyone's heart fill with warmth. The delicacy of your expression really adds an ethereal touch to this piece ... it "elevates the soul" as Edgar Poe would say.

If I may critique, I think this piece could benefit from changes in grammar and wording. The first thing that catches my attention is the fact that you capitalized every line, which is unnecessary. I suggest just capitalizing in places where a new sentence begins.

Also, you may want to consider using different forms of punctuation in this piece -- not just periods.

Take this stanza for example:

A small rose petal falls upon your lap.
One more wonderful moment.
Some things may change, but you never will,
Here in my rose garden.

I think it could benefit from a more expressive use of punctuation and enjambment, hence the following:

A small rose petal
falls upon your lap ...
~ one more wonderful moment.
Some things may change,
but you never will.
Here in my garden.

Notice how the enjambment helps with helps to distinguish this piece from prose; the first line leads right into the second one, and finally, in the third line, the reader gets a chance to pause.

Those are some things you may want to consider. Either way, this piece is excellent, and I'm glad you shared it.

- William Liston

[Oliver Free]

Thank you very much for the review. I'll admit that capitalizing each line is a bad habit of mine, which I'm working on adjusting. As for the grammatical side of things, I think that you've made some excellent suggestions. I might go back and edit it later on, which should improve the overall quality of the piece. I'm glad that you enjoyed.

[Relic]

You have a sophistication to your writing style for someone so young. This is a very well written piece.

[Oliver Free]

Thank you! I appreciate your praise. Still got a long way to go, but I'm pretty happy with my writing so far.

[Soma-ko]

I find it absolutely amazing how similar your works feel to mine (to my older ones when I was your age perhaps, I'm 19 as of now and started writing at 16), even though we don't/didn't use the same words, the tone and way of writing make it so much easier for me to read your works :p

This is the first time I've thought this, so I hope I can continue to learn from your works as you do for mine. If you ever have any questions on anything, feel free to hmu!

[Oliver Free]

I appreciate the review! Writing has been a passion of mine for quite a while now, so it's great to see that what I write has an impact. The past few months especially have been very beneficial to both my motivation to write and my overall "skill" in general. I'm really glad that my work is enjoyable to read since our writing is/was so similar. Thanks again!