Empty Handed

A Story by Kathryn Smith

The city was on fire for us

We would've died for us

up in flames

Cue the rain

In my heart little sparks everywhere that you are

Up in flames

It's hard to erase. Yet it's slipping away....

and I find myself looking for you.

It's officially been 1 year. 1 year since I flew across the sea to England and France. I love England so much that now instead of a foreign country, the memories and idea of it feel natural. I could easily call it home. My great, great grandfather was London born so it's in my blood.

France. Oh my dear France.

I had never been there..and to my surprise it left a permanent mark. It left a mark that I'll never be able rub off.

Looking back, I was so painfully afraid of something. Even though I knew rejection was impossible, I was still hard on my self.

There was a man there who obviously felt the same way I felt about him, but it was all a mess. At least I tried. At least I reached out to him and showed him I cared.

Today I realized what my problem all together was.

I was afraid of possibly falling in love. I was afraid of letting someone go after me. I couldn't do it, let alone make myself vulnerable to a stranger who might become a man I'd know forever.

If we take chances we never know how perfect something could turn out. I think deep down inside I always knew all of this, but never could admit it.

It's so strange that love is something I've always yearned for, but here I am.

Afraid of it.

Every good thing eventually ends doesn't it?

All I've ever known is how to hide a secret
But I'm tired of going on without believing
That love is not illusion, love illuminates the blind.

I can still see all the charming buildings in Paris. I can still feel the bustle and elegance of the city. I can even hear all those flirtatious Frenchmen saying: "Bonjour Mademoiselle! You are looking chic!"

I remember basking in the the warm spring air. The smell of it engulfing my mind. Paris was a brand new world. It was dreamy. The city of love was never repulsive or ugly. Literally everywhere you turned it was nothing but pure perfection.

I can still see him sitting behind the front desk in the lobby. My heart skips a beat. I can't help but wonder what he'd do if I walked in that hotel right now.

If I came to you empty handed
A barren ocean with nothing at all
And if I came to you empty hearted
Searching for pieces after the fall

If you came to me empty handed
I'd brave your ocean to bring you home
And if you came to me empty hearted
I'd find the pieces to make you whole

I returned home a love struck girl over what was about to be a failure. I expected a reply to a letter but never got one. Everyone waited on pins and needles with me. It was just embarrassing when nothing arrived in the mailbox.

Yet perhaps it wasn't a failure. Part of the love I fell into wasn't for a person. It was from the beauty of a city and the fascination of a different culture. I fell for the language. The food. The atmosphere. The people in general.

Sure I may have never gotten a reply, but he did genuinely like me. We did try.

Maybe people don't believe me, but I only know the entire story.

Things didn't fold out the way I hoped they would, but I definitely gave something for people in my little town to talk and gossip about...

I am now known as that lucky girl who has the ability to smile at disappointment.

It drives everyone mad and makes them wonder why I am still smiling and what I am smiling about.

All I ever hear are whispers.

Don't choke on the fire. It's trying to burn you out.

In my woods my words are in the ground. I visited them the other day. I sat on my favorite tree stump. It was balmy and warm, which is a huge treat for Wisconsin in March.

Deep in those woods, by the river, that familiar spring wind touched my face. It blew through my hair, just as it did in Paris. The rush swallowed me whole and took me right back.

For a split second I was standing one last time in Lafayette, about to enter a hotel.

I could feel the door knob and just when I was about to picture Andre' and his sparkling green and eager eyes, looking up from the counter, I forced my flashback to stop.

I just can't do this to myself anymore.

It's done and over with. It's been 1 year.

1 entire year.

It's time I let go and dream up other things.

I must say In this year I learned more than I ever thought I would.

What I learned is the most haunting lesson I've ever soaked up.

This will be the kind of haunt I'll love forever.

My heart swells for someone entirely different now.

and I am not afraid this time. The nice thing is he speaks my language in so many different ways.

I'm ready for it all.

Even if it has to eventually end.

If I came to him empty handed and hearted I know what he would do.