Silence of the boy

A Poem by Caleb

Do I have to apologize for the way

I am or even how I live day to day?

Must you always find something wrong

And fracture my feelings I finally made strong?

No! Just stop… You never help with this;

You're just there like an unwanted cyst.

Please, I know, I am aware

This guilty weight I cannot bear,

But then again, how do you help here

When all you put in me is fear?

Can you just leave me alone? I

Just want you gone, don't say goodbye.

Yes! I haven't asked her yet.

No! I won’t make a bet.

Can’t you see that I’m afraid

Of the path that hasn't even been laid?

The fears I have continue to get louder.

When prompted to, why do I always cower?

Let me just simply ask the word

To this girl I’m already allured.

Just the simple phrase, they’re right there

Just on the tip of my tongue, right here;

But echoes of a silent, trembling boy.

Why must your signals be so coy?

© 2016 Caleb

Author's Note

I'm still experimenting with this. I'm moving towards poetry that is more spoken than read and I just want to know if I'm pulling this off. Please feel free to tell me how much this sucks or how much this is like the coolests of things youve read on here. Anyways... enjoy

My Review

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Reviews

Nigel Newman

Hi Caleb. Recently I've been 'dropping in' on WC folk I'm friends with, and today's your lucky day! I just happened upon this one.

I have two separate streams of thoughts and feedback for you. The first is similar to what others have said, in that we've all been there. When there's someone with whom you'd like to be closer, but you fear that the things you must sooner or later say will change, ruin, etc that relationship, or maybe even its chances of getting off the ground. To sound dreadfully boring and obvious about this, if the person in question has a good heart and soul and is truly attracted and interested in you, then it's better to get stuff out there rather than kept inside. How you know whether they are that kind of person ....? In the end, it's following your honest instinct, but even then it's a gamble. Probably by now, this has all resolved one way or another, but if it's still a dilemma for you - good luck!

Now the poem itself. Personally, and this is from someone who often employs and tries to adhere to meter, in this case my instinct is you should let go of it and put down words that truly reflect your feelings rather than those you can make to fit. There is a middle course, to get out the thesaurus and find some other words that work, but that can take ages and ages and doesn't always yield anything you like. At present, for me, a number of your rhymes almost trivialise the frustration and desperation which underpin the theme of the poem. I note your wish to go towards poems that can be read aloud, which I think is a great direction to take. But if you listen to rap, for example, or some Shakespeare, they do not feel obliged to stick to meter to achieve rhythm. They do indeed go for rhythm, but speech is flexible and can seamlessly 'work around' non-meter-compliant phrasing.

Hope this helps.

Regards
Nigel

Posted 7 Years Ago

Hi Caleb. Recently I've been 'dropping in' on WC folk I'm friends with, and today's your lucky day!  I just happened upon this one.

I have two separate streams of thoughts and feedback for you.  The first is similar to what others have said, in that we've all been there. When there's someone with whom you'd like to be closer, but you fear that the things you must sooner or later say will change, ruin, etc that relationship, or maybe even its chances of getting off the ground.  To sound dreadfully boring and obvious about this, if the person in question has a good heart and soul and is truly attracted and interested in you, then it's better to get stuff out there rather than kept inside.  How you know whether they are that kind of person ....? In the end, it's following your honest instinct, but even then it's a gamble.  Probably by now, this has all resolved one way or another, but if it's still a dilemma for you - good luck!

Now the poem itself.  Personally, and this is from someone who often employs and tries to adhere to meter, in this case my instinct is you should let go of it and put down words that truly reflect your feelings rather than those you can make to fit. There is a middle course, to get out the thesaurus and find some other words that work, but that can take ages and ages and doesn't always yield anything you like. At present, for me, a number of your rhymes almost trivialise the frustration and desperation which underpin the theme of the poem.  I note your wish to go towards poems that can be read aloud, which I think is a great direction to take.  But if you listen to rap, for example, or some Shakespeare, they do not feel obliged to stick to meter to achieve rhythm. They do indeed go for rhythm, but speech is flexible and can seamlessly 'work around' non-meter-compliant phrasing.

Hope this helps.

Regards
Nigel

Rating /100

Gaia Octavia

The last stanza is particularly strong and immensely relatable. Many readers will be able to inject their own anxieties and experiences into their reading of it which, to me, is one of the most enjoyable aspects of writing poetry (as well as a sign of natural talent). The only thing I would have mentioned focusing on is the meter but I see it's already been mentioned (normally I'd just not mention it but I wanted you to know that I do care haha). Nice job! Being new to poetry is never a bad thing; keep writing! ☺

Posted 7 Years Ago

William Liston

Wow. You were able to keep a somewhat conversational tone while still conveying the depths of your fear and hesitation. At the same time, you were able to maintain a smooth flow through skillful uses of rhymes and identical line lengths. The way you described your shyness in the last stanza was almost too perfect; you skillfully conveyed the utter difficulty in performing such a simple task. Personally, I would have prefered you to pay more attention to metrical structure, but overall, it was still a great poem. Keep on writing.

Posted 7 Years Ago

7 Years Ago

Before you run you must walk and before walking you must crawl. I've only recently started to write .. read more

bsegal

This poem was very moving. It expresses the fears and uncertainty we all feel at times in our life

Posted 7 Years Ago

Jess

Whoa! This one's particularly one of my favorites. Simply beautiful.

''wieght I cannot bare,''-- if I ain't wrong, the spellings are wrong here. Its 'weight' and 'bear' in this context.

''Let me just simply ask the word
To this girl I’m already allured.
Just the simple phrase, they’re right there
Just on the tip of my tongue, right here;
But echoes of a silent, trembling boy.
Why must your signals be so coy?''- these lines...rock!

Great work.