What once was, what will never be, and what is...

A poem/ spoken word about life before and after a child.

What once was

People used to tell me 

when I was 17  in High-school 

that I didn't live in the real world.

That everything I knew was just a dream

That everything I knew was given and placed in front of me

That our parents and faculty built this bubble ...

and put us in it , without a choice but with a false content joy.

Back then I used to say 

'yeah right, they don't know what I've endured' 

'yeah right, how do you know anything, your'e not me'

but they were soooooo right.

And soon I'd understand why....

After graduation all the choices I made affected me

And I couldn't run to my mom and point fingers anymore

because I was an 'adult' what ever that means.

Fresh out the box I ran to the scenes 

that left me hung over and craving the next fling

but one day I partied to hard 

one day I took it too far.

He said come in I have something to show you

so I did

he said over here its in my room follow me

so I did

He said 'oops' its in the closet just a little further, come

so I did...

There was no gift for me on my 18th birthday

not in that dank and dark closet

the only thing there was him and I

and I was not impressed

All I could do was laugh as he held me down

All I could do was cry as he broke the bounds

I had never felt so empty before that night

I had never felt so at fault they were so right

All I wanted was to have a little fun 

But what it cost me wasn't worth it in the end

and that one bad choice 

that one bad decision caused me a pain I yet to know

and a hole that could never be filled.

Fast forward a few weeks and I had thought I met the one

the one who I'd spend the rest of my life with

what I didn't know is that THIS one would be the one

to alter my future so much that things would never be the same

What Will never be

When I turned 20

After this ONE I would never finish my volleyball career 

After this ONE I would never get that beach body back

After this ONE I would never go where I wanted when I wanted with whom I wanted

After this ONE I would never finish college

After this ONE I would never reach musical stardom

After this ONE I would no longer live for me but for them-

What is 

My child. Forever. All by myself. 

Now I struggle with enormous amounts of bills

a child in and out of the hospital that I can only pray will heal 

Now I juggle work and a hope to finish my dreams with maybe no end in sight

and I manage to do all of it

Alone

Author's Note

It's been a while since I wrote anything. Writers block has plagued me for too long.

Reviews

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Powerful, impactful and sadly beautiful. You make us feel the pain and disillusionment of a childhood and dreams destroyed. A girl interrupted. Very poignant and well-written. You have a great voice that needs to be heard.I think your writer's block is gone! Brava!