Bamboozle

to deceive or get the better of (someone) by trickery, flattery, or the like

Bamboozle

Scent so sweet

 Butterflies everywhere

Touch of an angel

Heavenly admirable

Coming so close

Flowing gentle breeze

Wavy auburn hair

A lustful pace

Hold on my breathing

Waiting to know

A bliss of stranger

What a whispering voice

"Hey dude, wazzup?"

 

Author's Note

yeah, this is my first piece. hope you understand :)

Reviews

[Gary H]

This is nice and is like I used to write then I was forced to take a course to learn how to do creative writing - forced by writers on this site... I stopped making things complicated and began to express more to the reader. I don't write much on here any longer but one thing I learnt is to expand on your thoughts.... for example 'scent so sweet' is a nice piece of alliteration, it's a nice line to open a verse, it's a good way of drawing someone to the next line.... but what could you do to explain those words and get the reader seeing through your eyes and flow or flutter into the butterflies etc. just an idea. I like your thoughts.

[Rorenzu]

Thank you so much for reviewing :) I'll keep in touch with your works.

[David Michael]

Hey Gary, I figured you wouldn't be checking this poem again, so I wanted to give you the chance to offer a rebuttal to my review, which directly contradicted yours. I didn't think it was fair for me to state such strong opinions and involving you in them, without you being able to defend yourself. I don't think anything I said was offensive to you directly - more offensive to the general WritersCafe audience - so I hope you aren't upset by what I said. But anyways, read it if you're interested.

[Jon Roggie]

I love the humor behind this. I also love the variety of reviews.

[:-)]

Haha! That last line was beautiful. Naw, really. It's a great piece with awesome descriptions and nice flow.

Good job. :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed the short sentences. Each one holding the reader to want to know more. The description life some mystery and wonder. I like the photo. I did like the ending. Nice when door are open up. I enjoyed the poem. I wish I could write poetry with more directness and honest thoughts without using a thousand words. Thank you for sharing the excellent poem.
Coyote

[CNRain]

Haha I like how the last line feels so contrasting compared to the rest of the poem. Guess that's where I got bamboozled.

[David Michael]

I highly disagree with the first (and featured) reviewer, Gary M. My thinking aligns much more with that of Jerald Larson. Not that Gary doesn't have a good point, but I think it's too easy to go to another extreme by following his advice - and personally, I'd much rather read the extreme he warns against than the extreme he advises.

To explain my vagueness, I'm talking about the extreme of intricate-to-the-point-of-being-meaningless-to-the-reader as opposed to the extreme of dumbed-down-so-as-to-"express-more-to-the-reader"-yet-being-abysmally-boring-and-unpoetic.

I do like Gary's incentive - don't write complexities for complexity's sake, at the expense of expressing meaning and emotion. I'll employ an analogy from music (since that's what I know best): it would be like utilizing all the music theory in the world to produce a super-complex work that doesn't sound musical at all to the average listener - it may be fun for the theory analyst, but can't be enjoyed by anyone else. I personally think all writing should be "musical" in nature, so for me this analogy is very relevant (sorry if it did not make sense to you).

The problem is that Gary appeals to a poor authority: "writers on this site". I have seen a lot of this site, and let me tell ya - the majority of people are NOT poets. Most are just formulating (poor) prose about an emotional subject into uncontrolled lines (or not) and slapping the label poetry on it. And then all the other "writers on this site" ooh and aah about how touching or relatable or emotional it is. However, poetry isn't defined by relatability of content, it's defined by quality of construction.

And I'm sure Gary would agree with me on that. He certainly wouldn't advocate weak, poorly-written poetry. But the danger of valuing the ability to "explain those words and get the reader seeing through your eyes" (or to "expand on your thoughts") over "making things complicated" or "a nice piece of alliteration" is that you DO weaken your poetry. Not everybody IS going to get your poetry, or at least not how you intended it. And that's oK. The rest of us don't want to be babied, with every bit of your meaning explained to us. "Scent so sweet / Butterflies everywhere" is worlds better than "A sweet scent filled my nose / as butterflies flew everywhere" - which is what most people on here would write.

All that to say, your piece is good, and KEEP writing like this! That doesn't mean it couldn't be improved. I'm sure I could offer suggestions for improvement, but I honestly stopped thinking about this specific piece and thought more about the general issue once I read his comment... sorry :) I probably shouldn't have written this long rant - I certainly didn't intend to. But I think it's important you don't let your obviously good sense of the poetic be dragged down by those who can't understand it. That's their problem, not yours.

This reminded me a lot of my poem "Swinging at Dusk", so maybe the rant was somewhat defensive.... :P

[Rorenzu]

I actually can relate to what you've said. As i write this poem, I actually listen to music. And then words just flow by in my mind as i create a story. Yes and this piece of mind is not intended to those people who can't read between the lines. But if you are too observant you can actually get it by title itself. Thank you so much.

[David Michael]

Music truly can inspire words! I myself love music. I'm glad my thoughts were meaningful to you. Reading them over again, I realize I really was in a mood and probably should have kept it to myself. But Gary got back to me and was quite reasonable about it all, so I guess I didn't offend anyone. Oh, and one of my friends who saw my review said they really like this poem, so there's another person's vote! :D

[Grace Catherine C.]

I really liked it, leaves the reader thinking, there's definetly a story here, not told, but implied, very good. The last line made me laugh.

[Rorenzu]

Thanks :) Actually the story is about deceiving others. The guy in the poem was tricked by his own eyes with another guy. He thought he was a real lady. You can know it with the title itself: Bamboozle.

[Grace Catherine C.]

ah, funny

[Jerald Larson]

Fantastic use of the senses - rather than describe directly, this poem is a classic example of 'show, not tell'.
Interpretation on the reader's part is as much to do with the enjoyment of a poem as the poet revels in crafting it.
And a neat little twist at the end - the last thing you expect is "Hey dude, wazzup?".
Imaginative, descriptive and tells a story - what more do you want?

[Chance]

This is great. You accomplish what I always trying to cheat which is today a great deal with very few words. I enjoyed the read.

[Rorenzu]

Thank you so much. Yeah, I went over with your works and i can see you have nothing but few meaningful words in your pieces. I'll check them from time to time and review as well :)