The Saint and The Sinner

this is a character I am just writing for one of my books I will like comments

I am just one person I flipped my coin waiting for my brother. He was volunteering at a soup kitchen, I sighed as he came out in his blue helper t-shirt. He practically bounced as he walked out waving goodbye to the people to "Are you ready Lucas?" Lucas smiled and put on his jacket as it was autumn I personally liked the cold "Yes Leilani."  I gasped "You know I just go by Lee." Lucas smiled "Yes, but seeing you turn red tells me, you still have some emotion."

   I groaned seeing a woman walking down the street with and a man following her "Lucas, we got a walker." Lucas looked "We could just let nature take its course." I glared at him "You know as powerful we are, we are assigned to look out for those in need." Lucas laughed "I just went to a soup kitchen." I smiled "Yes for an hour, you know the mother would not look at it nicely if we let a human get killed."

Lucas groaned "You know I hate her." I smiled watching her pass by "Well how about this two more hours of street watching and we can go do some real magic." Lucas smiled "Can we summon a dragon?" I laughed as I got out my amulet "Yeah sure but, we got to keep it small." Lucas held up his amulet "Of course."

We pressed our Amulets together and blue and green fumes came out of it we both did the chant " As the twins of the realm, protectors of humans and faye we cast upon the protection of this fair woman." Once we finished soon the man behind her feel to his knees and died spitting up blood.

  I walked over to him "Lucas this one is a dark wizard." Lucas smiled "I wonder what he is doing out here?" I looked at him "Probably to rape the woman and conceive a Halfling." I touched his face "A necromancer." Lucas giggled "Oh like us.. only less powerful." I sighed "So what part do you want?" Lucas smiled "The physical form you can have the power." I smiled as he shredded the body and ate it and I asorbed the power force "You know carnage is not appealing." Lucas shrugged licking his lips "I know, yet it is fun." As we walked I saw calm to the woman's face and smiled as me and Lucas disappeared only appearing as smoke to other.

Reviews

[Marlene]

i have not yet had the chance to read your book so i have no idea how this will fit in with it, either way i am definitely interested in reading it thanks to this piece, (got confused as you changed your profile name haha)

i´d like you to know that it took me reading it three times to fully remember and understand every detail.
ive given this advice before to people, if you want someone to fully understand your writing, given them the time and space (and enters at the end of a sentence) to remember and understand what is going on.
if you want to publish your writing one day a final edit can always change this, but untill then i think your goal is to make people enjoy every detail.

[Raylene]

Yes I understand yet these two are just additional characters I wanted them to have there own way of making a entrance
These two play a big part in fairy land so I wanted comments on them

[Marlene]

Lucas and leilani (lee) make very intriguing characters they seem young energetic and ready to tame the world(whatever that world may be).
I feel slightly ashamed that i left out my opinion about them. i did honestly rate the characters and not so much the text.

[Raylene]

Yes thank you they are unique though they will bring a dark twist to my book

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good chapter. I like the situation, the personal conversation and the honest tone of the story. I liked how you create life and turmoil in the words. I wanted to read and know more. Thank you Raylene for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Raylene]

Actually dear, these are just characters I put in my book.

[Coyote Poetry]

Interesting story line.

[Raylene]

Thank you :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[Elmarie]

Interesting :) what Alicia B said was putting it into a nutshell for me. I would like to add that I have not read any of your other writing and will take the time to do so. A bit of editing is needed but doesn't it always. Blessings El

[Raylene]

Thank you so much my dear

[Shabeeh Haider]

Very intriguing characters, these two. You have created something very different from the usual trend of super heroes.
One eats the body, the other absorbs the power. All pretty interesting.
You need to go through it once more to correct some minor spelling errors and grammatical mistakes.
Best of luck for your book.

[Raylene]

I know yet I wanted to introduce them by themselves I plan to make them an anti hero hero's that you don't want to like

[DaysiFlores]

Haven't read your book just by reading this it really catches my attention makes me want to read more.

[Raylene]

Thank you so much

[AliciaB]

Very interesting. These are some cool characters. I kind of got the feeling of "that escalated quickly" while reading this. At first, it seems like an ordinary brother-sister pair, one who's charitable and one who's more reserved... and then all of a sudden, they're casting spells and devouring dark wizards and appearing as nothing but smoke to other people. The writing felt a bit disjointed - I would recommend going back and checking your grammar (the bane of all writers' existences) - but the concept is intriguing. Nice work!

[Raylene]

Thank you Alicia I value all comments on my work

[wordman]

it sounds like it will be a great addition to your book

[Raylene]

Thank you dear

[William Liston]

I like your imagination. As for the characters, I think that they are very unique, and even though I don't like magical/fantasy works, I enjoyed reading this. You've set up an interesting plot so far, and you have established the characterization pretty well. I like how you've developed a strong contrast between the two characters.

I must say, however, that your overall writing skills need some work. There are many grammatical mistakes in this, and most of them have to do with punctuation. The visual presentation of this also needs work. There should be a new paragraph with each piece of dialouge. Unless you want me to, I'm not going to comment on the rhetorical side of this (or in other words, your writing ability) because from my understanding, you just wanted me to analyze the characters.

-William Liston

[Raylene]

no it is fine and thank you these characters will make there day view in chapter ten of my book well on of them the other will follow

[Hello, Goodbye]

Seems like a quick jump into magic land, not to say that its completely uninteresting. Narration might be a little rushed but that may be due to the small sample size. Leaves me wanting more info on the characters and magic system, which means you have a good start.

[Raylene]

well they are two characters I am adding to my book fairyland maybe if you read that you will understand the magic world more I wrote them as a sample to see what the audience thought.

[Hello, Goodbye]

good point. it does seem like a reasonable answer. once i read those it will make more sense.

[Raylene]

yes I write them down so to bring in a grim theme into the enchanted story