War

War

A Poem by Vicky Zhuang Yi-Yin
"

Haiku...

"
Bloody ponds, mass graves
Cover lands and man's conscience
Many lost, no wins

© 2010 Vicky Zhuang Yi-Yin


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Featured Review

Vicky~ your poem is about as powerful as powerful can be within the parameters of haiku~ three lines drawn in painful visuals of heart wrenching reality~ multilayered with images BECAUSE of the word choice and the way they are connected which thoroughly enriches the breath and sincere anguish of the poem~

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Superb, succinct, imagery, valid expostition of war's waste.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Their really isn't any winning to war. i liked your haiku

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

BUT THINK OF THE ECONOMY!

Just kidding. Short, sweet, and to the point. In regards to war- is there really anything else that needs to be said?

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Short and sweet as I've said before, not many words are needed to express your thoughts, it's great.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Very good Haiku

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Vicky~ your poem is about as powerful as powerful can be within the parameters of haiku~ three lines drawn in painful visuals of heart wrenching reality~ multilayered with images BECAUSE of the word choice and the way they are connected which thoroughly enriches the breath and sincere anguish of the poem~

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Taylor H. pointed me into this poem's direction. I am glad, but you won't be. I have a lot of nit-pickings, and these aren't quite "subjective" suggestions

"Bloody ponds(1),(2) mass graves"
1: notice where I placed these 2 suggestions. the first behind the words, the second behind the comma. this first suggestion deals with "bloody ponds". a pond is water, and a pond cannot be bloody. i think what you want is a "pond of blood".
2: no need for a comma. you're not listing things. because you're having to add another word, it screws with the syllables. but "bloody ponds" is incorrect, so lemme give a few simulations of what you could do:
Ponds of blood and corpse
Graves line the land, bloody

conscious, not conscience.

conscience : the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.

conscious : aware of one's own existence, sensations, thoughts, surroundings, etc.

my conscious is clear of all evil. rulers are empowered to punish and do it for conscience's sake.

and finally the last line.
Many loses, no wins.
or else:
Many lost, no one won.

understand?
not trying to tear apart your poem, but... i kinda did. it can easily be re-written, that's what haikus are. i like this a lot... war and battle and suffering is a big passion of mine... soviet union, civil war, and what not. i think you could even mess with it to give different meanings, and not specifically meant to invoke "war". that should be a latent theme, maybe?

just throwing suggetions. hope i've helped :) thoroughly enjoyed and am looking forward to any sort of drafting!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

A deeply tru Haiku. Little words that make powerfyl statements. Consciences are forever eroded by such heinous acts.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is sad but I liked it

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I like this, it does a good job of showing that it's about war. The imagery is very good though a sad subject to write about. Great job. :) Keep writing!


Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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10 Reviews
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Added on August 24, 2010
Last Updated on August 24, 2010

Author

Vicky Zhuang Yi-Yin
Vicky Zhuang Yi-Yin

Lahore, Pakistan



About
I'm an amateur writer, who enjoys to write a lot. I almost write anything that comes to my mind, or what I am asked to write. My genres range from fantasy fiction to journal blogs and poetry to haiku... more..

Writing

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