The One

No, this is not a soppy old romance poem.

You're the one I still call at two in the morning
When the rest of the world is in slumber,
Leaving only the Universe, and us.

You're the one I still search for on crowded streets
Where a thousand strangers' faces disappear
And I can only see a thousand of yours.

You're the one who taught me
That even one second can last for an eternity,
If that second is worth the rest of your life.

You're the one who made me who I am,
Or at least, who I was;
You came into my life, and you saved me.

But you're the one who broke me, who tore me apart
Because it's awefully rude to promise someone forever,
And leave them wondering if forever only lasts for a day.

You're the one who betrayed me;
After telling me that life is worth living,
You went against your own advice, and ended it all.

And Id like to hope you're in a better place
Or say that I'm glad you managed to escape
But the thing is, you were my escape.

And now you're gone.
And you're the one
Who left me, Trapped.

Reviews

[ImSJ]

I want to like this poem. The language is confused?
Stanza 1: "Leaving only the Universe and us." Which is, well, everyone everywhere and you which may not be what you were trying to say?
Stanza 2: Why does the speaker "search" when she knows the object of her search is dead? Perhaps she sees the dead person's countenance everywhere unbidden?
Stanza 3: Maybe the best stanza of the piece. At least I like it.
Stanza 4: Saved from what? Saved from the ugly Universe or from something specific?
Stanza 5: The speaker has been broken and
"torn apart" yet all she has to say about it is that
"it's awefully [sic] rude" Seems to lack a matching passion?
Stanza 6-8: So, instead of sympathizing with someone close who felt so terrible and hopeless about their life that they chose to end it the speaker grieves only for her loss. And "Trapped" (why the capitalization?) by what or whom? Pretty selfish, yes? By the end of this piece I have less sympathy for the speaker. If this is your point you certainly scored. If not, I'm not sure
what it might be. I do want to like this poem but
maybe more work is needed?

[Bobby]

"You're the one I still call at two in the morning, when the rest of the world is in slumber, leaving only the universe, and us. "

I love that part. The whole piece is great, good work

[S Olson]

"You're the one I still call at two in the morning
When the rest of the world is in slumber,
Leaving only the Universe, and us. "

The entire poem is beautiful, and full of emotion - but this stanza really illustrates the loneliness of it, as well as the connection. It framed what you were trying to say very well. The use of the word "still" resonated with me. You only used it twice, then delved into the 'then' and the 'this is how it is" - but something about that single word made me realize the current urgency you were feeling when you wrote it.

Well done!

[Celine Heath]

Thank you very much, I'm glad I could get across the emotion in the way I had hoped to!

[Hannah Cheng]

I love this. I interpret it as the speaker longing for his/her lover who committed suicide. Awesome job Celine.

[Celine Heath]

Thank you.

[Bella]

Your poem is really great. Here are just a few things I might tweak.
"And I can only see a thousand of yours." - This sentence is hard to say. I might go with "And I see only a thousand of yours."
"That even one second can last for an eternity," "And leave them wondering if forever only lasts for a day." - the word "for" in both these sentences seems redundant.
"awefilly" - correct to awfully
"You go against your own advice, and end it all." - Is there a reason this is in the present tense? The rest of the verse is in past tense and changing tenses here doesn't seem to add any meaning. The changing of tenses for the next verse, however, makes sense.
"And Id like to hope you're in a better place
Or that I'm glad you managed to escape" - these two lines don't make sense one after the other. You don't hope you're glad they managed to escape, you wish you could say you are. I would do something like
"And I'd like to say I hope you're in a better place
Or that I'm glad you managed to escape"
This next comment is just a matter of taste, but I have a suggestion for the last two lines. Having the last line be "Trapped." has a certain effect, and I would really like it, except it doesn't seem to be the point you're trying to make in the poem. The poem is about the other person. About what they were to you and what they did to you. Ending the way you did changes the focus solely to your state which just doesn't seem to go with the tone of the rest of the poem. You also called your poem "The One" which is a play on a common phrase and I think you could use that in your ending. I would change the last verse to this
"And now you're gone.
And you're the one
Who left me trapped."
Or, if having the last line be just "Trapped." is really important to you you could do both (but I think it lessens the effect).
"And now you're gone.
And you're the one
Who left me,
Trapped"
Please don't take any of my comments to mean I didn't like your poem. It's really very powerful and I enjoyed reading it.

[Celine Heath]

Thank you, I'll be sure to take into account your points and change it up a little!

[Celine Heath]

Update: I changed some of the poem as you suggested, hopefully it's improved.

[LMMDN]

Good poem about lovers, could you try next time to find new words in the thesaurus. I feel like it would add meaning to the poem, and a rhyming scheme like "ABCA" would have improved the poem. Nice poem in general!

[Hope514x]

I FIND THIS POEM MEANINGFUL ITS LONGING A LOVER THAT IS FAR GONE AWAY

[Celine Heath]

THANK YOUUU

[JoeM]

You touched me, and I guess that is why most poetry that I come across seems to be torn from the heart. Like your other poem, I hope the subject of this one was just a playing with words.
Well done, again.

[Celine Heath]

Thank you so much.

[Tobin]

Lost love is painful. Loss of a loves life is brutally painful. Sharing your pain is courage beyond compare. Stay strong Celine, and know that your words give strength to those who need it most. Read my poem: The Wall, and maybe another's pain will help free you from the prison you're trapped in.

[Celine Heath]

Thank you for your support!