not depresed

not depresed

A Story by ace

daily struggle

I’m not depressed but yet I have this monster deep inside of me that whispers “ you are better off dead” it makes itself known first thing in the morning and throughout the night. At three am when I’m awake I get this sinking feeling like I failed like I should have just gone through with it that it is not too late to go through with it but there is another monster that screams “ you are to much of a coward, you won’t do it” and that monster is correct I am too much of a coward, I can get as far as thinking about it but not as far as actually going through with it. I have no energy throughout the day and don’t have the motivation to do anything. I cut down to eating two meals a day and a snack at night I use water to make myself feel full and I try to either walk or ride my bike everyday but more and more I am losing motive to do that and sleep takes over.. And getting asked if I am okay constantly is not making any of it better because I am tired of saying I am fine because I don’t want the others to worry and i am not one to say if things are wrong cause that is not me I rather say everything is okay then try to explain how I feel because I am not good at communicating how I truly feel cause I don’t even know how I feel. There is always at least one one monster that hangs around, but it is very uncommon for there to only be one, the one that is always there are the thoughts of being better off gone but then there is usually at least one of its buddies around if not more. Some of the other monsters are ones that say there is a needed to harm my body some way anyway. Then there is one that says that to go through with the thoughts but then its friend says not to cause “you are too much of a coward to actually do it”. Theses are just some of the monsters. The scary part about these monsters is that you never know where they will show up, who will show up, or how many will be screaming at once. They hide in the shadows, in the pitch black of the night, in the closet, really anywhere you can think of, they will be there. These are huge terrifying monsters that can wrap itself around you in one move and lock itself there sometimes for only a few hours and other times for days

© 2017 ace

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems

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Added on June 16, 2017
Last Updated on June 16, 2017
Tags: depressed, monster, mental illness, self harm, hope



monroeville, PA

i am 19 years old and non-binary . i started to write when i was hospitalized for mental health reasons. to this day i still struggle and that is what i write about. more..

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