DONALD TAKES A DNA TEST

Donald is out to prove that he, at least, is 100% white.

MELANIA is sitting at the vanity in her bedroom, a colorful little box in her hand.

DONALD enters the room.

D(suspiciously): Melania, what do you have there?

M (startled):Oh, it's nothing, Donald! (she attempts to hide the small, colorful box she was holding under a pillow).

D:Let me see that box right now, Melania.

M (looking guilty): All right, Donald. (She hands it to him)

D (snatches the box out of her hands, looks at it) What's a DNA? (He pronounces this 'dnah'.) I never heard of it. What makes you think you have it? Maybe I should get tested, too. Is it some new disease?

M:No, Donald. It's D-N-A; everybody has it.

D (angrily): Well, that's stupid.If everybody has it, why test for it? And how much did the test cost?

M: $99.

D: WHAT?? That's like, almost a hundred bucks! For just finding out you've got something everybody has? Do you mean, like, EVERYBODY? Even poor people?

M:Yes, Donald.

D: Even the Blacks, the Koreans, and the Canadians?

M:Yes, Donald. Everybody. See, the test tells you what KIND of DNA you have.

D:(smiling a little); Ohhh--so I guess rich, white people have the best kind, then.

M:I got one for you, too, Donald.

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Scene II, Six weeks later. DONALD and MELANIA are in the oval office, and a page comes in with the mail.

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M (excitedly): Oh, Donald! Look! Our DNA test results are back!

D: (steepling his fingers):Excellent!

MELANIA TEARS THE ENVELOPE OPEN AND TAKES OUT A SLIP OF PAPER

M: Hmmm, I am 76% Eastern European, 23% Western European, and 2% Asian.

D: Must be why you like rice and fish--

 and those vegetables...disgusting!

M:Now you, Donald!

D (opening his test results): Let's see...78% Western European; that makes sense, since I'm like, totally Scottish...10% Eastern European--hey, maybe Vladimir and I are related--10% Oompah-Loompah hey, wait! That's not even real! Some guy called Lorry from Scotland, Male told me so!--it would explain stuff, though-- and 2% AF... what's AF? AFGHANISTAN?

M: No, Donald, it's--

D(interrupts):Oh, good. I knew I wasn't part sand XXXXXXX(censored)

M:No, Donald, it stands for AFRICAN. Almost everyone has African blood. That's why when Steve Bannon was here, he wouldn't take the test.

D(with horror):AFRICAN!!??!! No, that can't be right. Look at me! I'm white--sort of; like the other part of a Creamsicle! That can't be right. Melania, burn that paper! (he grabs the paper, looks madly around for a match or a lighter. Finding none, he eats the paper).

There! It's gone. You'll never say anything about this, Melania.

M: Donald, if you want to stay married to me, you'd better not sign that law you've been talking about that reverses LOVING V VIRGINIA. I would have to divorce you. You wouldn't want me to be married to a XXXXXX, would you?

D: Shut up, Melania. This never happened. I'm going out to look directly at the sun.

Author's Note

Do not read this if you are a Trump fan. I wouldn't want to illusion you...that's the opposite of disillusion, right?

Reviews

[Arriam]

I was led to you by your additional snark in the "Hello s**t people" review section. I have not regretted it whatsoever.

Your last line made me laugh out loud, which is a rare feat in writing. Congratulations, this is fantastic and I truly look forward to seeing what you have to offer the world!

[LazerRays]

Ahahahaha!!!brilliant!!! Hilarious!!! I laughed so hard reading this. How offensive but totally acceptable hahahaha! Are you a grandmother? Because you're the most hilarious one I've ever met. I'll trade! Hahaha!

[angel]

Yes I am a grandmother, and I think you'd have to fight for me.
I'm open, though...maybe!

[angel]

i recommend my newer piece, DONALD AND MELANIA TAKE TEA WITH THE QUEEN...It'a act one of a series, part 2 coming tonight.

[angel]

Let's talk rooms...

[Ana Papaya]

I love these D and M writes of yours.
I think you could totally but together a satirical presidential pillow talk book.
people would totally eat it up

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

I love the wit. This made me laugh several times. I used to have a million jokes, cuz I suck at conversation. One day my lovely, sensitive wife pointed out how every joke picks on and hurts Someone. I was like Don Rickles and Flip Wilson rolled together. I started actually looking at who was laughing and who was withdrawn as I spread my wit. What a shithead I was. I can still do it, but I value our marriage of 39 years.

[angel]

Oh, I hear ya, man. My husband is usually making fun of EVERYONE, and I usually tell him to quit it, but he WORSHIPS Donald, and he is one of the few I cannot stop mocking...

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

Blessings to you.

[angel]

Thanks; doin' it now.
Anyone who reads this far will know its from you!

[Lorry]

Dnah made me laugh, but im a little bit disappointed that by me, judging him on his skin tone, which is absolutely fine because its what he does, that he wasn't even a little part oompa loompa :)

[angel]

I wish I had thought of that Oompah Loompah thing--mind if I edit that in?

[Lorry]

Not at all, go for it :)

[Dhara_Ditzy Kat]

Well, I liked reading this story (I don't dislike Mr. Trump or like him. But we love reading up on his latest tweets and antics) Loved the part where he eats the paper. Better than eating rice and fish--
and those vegetables any day :)