The Call

Ring...Ring...Ring...

A distant ringing disturbs

my train of thought, I answer

absentmindedly at first before

my attention is snapped to the present.

A sense of wrong springs through my body

as she tells me something impossible.

Clouds obscure the lens of my mind,

a darkness so cold envelops my chest,

I can’t hear the words anymore.

 

My legs carry me out to the car

on their own accord. A glance

in the mirror reveals a person I

do not know. My eyes are so red

they appear to be half-eaten

peppermints spit out early. 

The void plain in my face

gives me a sunken, starved look.

 

Whatever music is playing

I don’t acknowledge. Who knows if it is

even playing at all. I don’t feel the stick

shift graze my palm, my shoe caress

the pedal as my foot presses. I don’t

see the lights and signs as I pass them.

If a car honked, I didn’t hear it.

I am not really there-

 

I see her twinkling eyes that could

shine like jewels in a play-time tiara.

I hear her laughter that rings

the bells of my childhood.

I feel her arms wrapped around me

like a baby in newborn blankets.

I smell that clean, fresh scent

of love, comfort, and home.

 

The car jerks, a loud noise, and the fog clears

if only for a moment. I glance down,

I tried to start off in second gear.

This sends a chill down my spine,

I wonder if I should be driving at all.

I’m already almost there, I might

as well finish the laborious journey home.

The night is a swirl of images,

a lack of focus that invades

all sensation. Nothing can distract

or calm me. I cannot escape the

shadow that I have become.

 

Sleep comes after many hours.

At first my dreams are a haze

of color, but then it’s all clear.

I find myself standing there,

watching the doorway intently.

She stands there in her familiar

purple dress, her brilliant teeth

flashing a smile in my direction.

No one else sees her, but she is so

vivid I cannot take my eyes away.

 

I remember the truth and see her as

she is, a flashing memory burned into

my mind. She doesn’t say anything,

but watches me with caring eyes.

Calm and serenity wash over my soul,

healing me in a way I did not think

possible. Debbie.

 

When I awake the pain is still there,

but I feel a sense of inspiration. I

make it through all of the rounds,

guarding silently over the sanity

of those I love. We all make it,

but it is an experience burned into

our very beings. We are forever

changed, but we move on, for

we shall meet with her again.

Author's Note

I wrote this about my god mother back in 2008. She passed away suddenly and I got the call at work. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through. I have seen lots of other death, but this one was the hardest. The amazing part about everything is that I did have a very vivid dream about her. Not everyone believes that someone's spirit can come to you and dreams. I didn't at the time, but she came to me in a dream. It provided the comfort I needed.

Reviews

[...]

… it’s not often that one comes across a span of time as brilliantly expressed as this … reading this verse is like living every second of it as it unfolds … one is enveloped completely in its universe … gripped by its poignant seconds … held by its melancholic aura … one breathes it … one feels it … and then one exudes it … this is outstanding not just because of the way the loss has been written about it … or the way it has been felt … but for the way that it has been etched and shared … it is a spell in the silent moments of loss … and it lingers interminably …

… “distant ringing” … the narrator is preoccupied … “attention is snapped to the present” … devastation strikes … “something impossible” … the sheer disbelief at the news of the loss … “clouds obscure the lens of my mind” … “a darkness so cold envelops my chest” … “i can’t hear the words anymore” … the numbness of pain … the intensity of the struggle to comprehend what has happened … all expressed with exceptional poetic skill and precision … and the din-like silence that reverberates and obliterates all sound … “my legs carry me to the car” … the inability to move captured with a numbing sadness … “my eyes are so red they appear to be half-eaten” … a brutally moving depiction of stinging and unending tears … “the void plain in my face” … an expression of loss that is experienced physically and spiritually … “i don’t feel the stick shift graze my palm” … the numbness transcending all experiences of movement and sensation … “i don’t see the lights and signs as i pass them” … “i’m not really there” … an expression of loss that’s felt even more intensely physically, mentally and emotionally … life-numbing … and then a wave of memories … “i see her twinkling eyes” … “i hear her laughter” … “i smell that clean, fresh scent of love, comfort, and home” … and the warmth of memories melts the numbing … “i tried to start off in second gear” … “i wonder if i should be driving at all” … the expression of oscillation in the moments of complete devastation … “a lack of focus that invades all sensation” … “i cannot escape the shadow that i have become” … the expression of a complete absence of experiencing existence as a response to the loss of a special one to death … and then the dream … “she stands there in her familiar purple dress” … “a flashing memory burned into my mind” … “calm and serenity wash over my soul” … and solace reaches in the form of a life-like experience … a dream of magical memories … to be recalled and recounted … to cherish … to celebrate the life now lost … “when i wake the pain is still there but i feel a sense of inspiration” … beautifully expressed … and the essence of existence expressed with profound simplicity in these last lines makes this verse remarkably memorable … “we are forever changed, but we move on, for we shall meet with her again” …

(serah)
(editor, the fourth dimension blog)

[Carlie]

Extremely potent. Took me back to the day I got the phone call telling me my grandma had passed away almost two years ago. You have captured so well the feelings that so many have experienced before during such a tough time. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.

[emmah]

it's frightening, the detail and vividness with which this verse dissects in microscopic detail the call and the moments that follow. it is the anatomy of loss and reconciliation, if there ever was one. the almost 'out of body' sense, the subconscious carrying out of mundane tasks when the soul's been burnt and the heart is torn is not only poetically exceptionally rendered but also regurgitates hazy memories in great and painful detail for me, as a reader. it felt like i sat next to the phone, or on the passenger seat or stood with you "watching the door intently" and saw through your eyes - found her as she "stands there in her familiar purple dress, her brilliant teeth flashing a smile".
its a full circle, how those we have lost come around, sometimes in unexpected ways, and strengthen us to put one foot in front of the other and "make it through all the rounds", inspire us to guard "silently over the sanity" of those we love. their memories never cease to illuminate our consciousness; their presence, or the presence of their absence is palpable in every breath and every drop of tear that we live through, but somehow, they help us make our peace with the knowledge that they burn in us, they live through our choices, they see through eyes and sit and listen to our music with us and resonate in our laughter - and they give us the hope that we shall, indeed, meet again and there will be embraces and moments that will be born.

(emmah)
(co-editor, the fourth dimension blog)

[mrityunjay]

Congratulations! This entry was awarded the SECOND POSITION in the WISH YOU WERE HERE (POETRY) CONTEST created by THE FOURTH DIMENSION BLOG (http://thefourthdimensionblog.blogspot.com/) for members of The Writers Cafe. To read other entries and reviews, please visit:
http://thefourthdimensionblog.blogspot.com/2010/05/wish-you-were-here-contest-results.html

[José Humilde]

Intense! I like how you use your breaks. For a reader it really helped bring up the suspense. I read a profound line in a photography book one time, and it said that there was no such thing as a "normal" lens. It all come from a person's point of view.

So I really enjoyed the part about the "lens of your mind." Made me think of everybody's perception of this world...and how we can all differ.

Another thing I enjoyed was the description. Half-eaten peppermints? Fantastic!

As far as the subject matter is concerned, I really like it. I really do believe that the people we loved can come back and visit us in our dreams. One could argue that there are stranger things in this life. My pops has struggled many times with the passing of my grandparents, but after having a dream, and seeing that they are happy and telling him not to worry, he feels a lot better.

I think that my only complaint is the length. But, I really think there is nothing you can do about that. This poem has meaning, of which you don't want to take away. I'm just a lazy reader, and long poems especially make me lose interest fast.

Thanks for the great piece!

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

I am a big believer in spirits and their contacting loved ones in dreams and other ways... the hardest loss I had was my mom passing away and often feel her there, one day I was angry then all the sudden her pic fell off the wall... suddenly I felt a peaceful feeling... anyways on to your poem... WOW what a dream you had, no doubt she was letting you know she was watching out for you.

[mcg03002]

Sweeney,
This is so beautiful. As you know, I have received this type of call in the past. Your description of how the rest of the world seems to fade and become vague is masterful. The details that normally stand out in our minds as we go about our daily lives (sounds, smells, sights) become grey and shadowed as the calamity at hand overloads all our senses. My favorite line was "half-eaten peppermints spit out early..." Well done on this! I am so sorry for the loss of your godmother.

[Natalie]

For anyone who has ever gotten that call, this is such a return to that awful feeling...that panic. I got two of them in 2008, myself. I was never so glad to have a year go by. Well communicated emotion!

[An owl on the moon]

Such a sadness here.. profoundly expressed in the sensation of drifting.. feeling lost... I remember the call in the middle of the night when my mum died... had a vivid dream of her as well, so I believe you for sure. Thank you for sharing something so personal with us here.