A tyburn. I got this idea from José Humilde. It's a sestina with specific amounts of syllables per line. The first four lines are 2 syllables, while the last two are 9. Also, you repeat the first four lines within the last two. The rhyme scheme is shown by letters.
line 1- 2 syllables (A)
line 2- 2 syllables (B)
line 3- 2 syllables (A)
line 4- 2 syllables (B)
line 5- 9 syllables containing both line 1 and 3 (C)
line 6- 9 syllables containing both line 2 and 4 (C)
My Review
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An interesting exercise in the use of an invented form. It seems to work up to a point but is a pretty limited concept and has no real value beyond the mathematical science of wordplay. The imagery is well-conceived but I think the last line is extremely awkward and sounds rather like bad English.
I am prejudiced somewhat against restrictive forms such as this, however, so each to his/her own.
I'm giving this a high rating because you've perfected the form(which was the point of writing this, I assume), but as the poem itself...it is quite dull In my opinion, all I get is a couple dancing. No offence, but I really wish you write another poem in the same form with maybe a different topic?
Please PM me if I fail to see any metaphors etc in this piece.
Yeah I like it better but I'm still left feeling the last line is irksome... the repetition of the word "pout" doesn't seem to fit well... It's an odd adjective to get used to when it is first mentioned, so using it again feels uncomfortable...
hmmm, yeah, i'm throwing my vote in with devons on this one... it's a good poem, but i do think there is a sort of awkwardness to it because of its limiting, extremely structured form... idk, i just think that because the poem's about dancing, it should sound a little more fun, free-spirited, all-over-the-place... *shrugs*... also, something about the word choice of 'jaunting' threw me off a bit -- i had to look it up to see if it meant what i thought it meant (ok, that's extremely unhelpful, i know, sorry)... and, yeah, as devons mentioned, that last line doesn't flow exactly right for me: 'their hands pout jabs more' -- that rhyme just sounds forced to me (again, which doesn't really work for a poem about the craziness of dancing and 'unconventional moves'). maybe i'm just reading it wrong, but i'm not even sure if i get what you're saying there... but i myself almost exclusively worship at the alter of free verse, so good for you for trying out something different and a bit more challenging! :D
I like the way you executed this form. I must say that id did take me a second read to fully grasp the idea of hands pouting, but it is a good one. I think I most questioned it in the final line. At any rate I can see the strobe lights and feel the beat. Well done.
An interesting exercise in the use of an invented form. It seems to work up to a point but is a pretty limited concept and has no real value beyond the mathematical science of wordplay. The imagery is well-conceived but I think the last line is extremely awkward and sounds rather like bad English.
I am prejudiced somewhat against restrictive forms such as this, however, so each to his/her own.
Reading and writing have always provided a loving escape for me, but both are now taking on a more serious level. I thrive on reading others' work and helping them to improve, while also depicting my .. more..
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