Oops

Unlucky we are...

Oops

Written by: C. Lee Battaglia

I opened my eyes,

To realize

That I’m the last one to be picked

To my surprise there was no conflict.

They passed the ball back and forth,

It came to me, I kicked it north.

Team members shocked,

For no one talked.

Oops, I said.

I had hit my teacher in the back of his head.

Where he lay, was a great amount of red.

And as we stood there, all thought that he was dead.

Author's Note

Please leave constructive feedback.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

You have a tense change in the beginning, which should be looked to ("I openned my eyes/To realize/I was the last....."). Stanza 2 doesn't really need "And as" (simply say "it came to me, I kicked it north"). Much better musicality. And Stanza 3: "where he LAY" (not "laid"), and also some musicality tweaking is in order.
What's good about poetry is that certain words do not need to be present for a sentence/stanza to make sense. You simply need to say what's most important, and weave the sense around it. Example: "as it came to me" is not necessary at all; "it cam to me" is all the more powerful, for the previous line goes "they passed the ball back and forth". There's thus no need for an "as", simply go in for the punch.

This on the whole, however, is a very absurd/humorous piece, and I couldn't help but giggle a bit. The last stanza especially had a rather children's poem quality to it. Well done!

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Thank you! I re-edited it and yes it flows much better!

[Zoya]

This is interesting! Yeah, the last stanza did bring a funny surprise with it. Had a delightful time reading it!

[JT Godin]

Definitely recalling memories of grammar school!

[Lewis Jane]

I didn't expect it to take that turn at the end but I like that is surprised me and played with my expectations as any good story/poem should!

Thank you

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Thank you! I really appreciate the review!