Space in the World

Cold air bites my face
and travels down my spine.
A world so full of space,
Hardly any actually mine.

What can I feel?
If any at all.
What would it be like
If the world let me fall?

With no place to land,
Don't know what to keep.
So give me your hand,
And hold breath as we leap.
 

Reviews

[Icelanna]

You need punctuation, full stops and commas, punctuation make you read it at specific paces, read it without it, you'll have to do it in one breath which i'm sure you didn't read it like that in your mind, you can have a decent flow with punctuation. Your rhyming scheme is good. The first stanza is rhyming couplets. You need two full stops there. The rest of it has a scheme of ABAB etc. Good use of different styles.
Love to you x

[Phillitup]

Thank you very much for your advice! I'm going through some old ones, trying to tweek them and I needed some help...thanks again!

[Phillitup]

I changed it...tell me what you think.

[Icelanna]

Much better! :D

[quinfinn]

i love this...the message is poignant and reverberates a common fear/makes us all wonder until we realize that , oh s**t, gravity works! very good write.

[Jocie]

his is awesome reminds me of my grandpapa telling me of the time a man walked on the moon him and his wife jumped together in love and fear.

[Phillitup]

....interesting....

:) Thanks

[Jocie]

:?) lol

[RachelReaper]

The leap of faith at the end was my favorite part of it. This poem was short, sweet, easy to read, and the ending had hope.

[Phillitup]

Thanks!

[Ees]

"What can I feel
If any at all"-
I am not sure how I feel about the "if any at all" line. It almost doesn't make sense, something sounds off. I am sure you are referring to space, but I feel like I need that reinforced with a solid word there...

"With no place to land"- favorite line!

"And hold breath as we leap"- hold Your breath?

Nice job! I love the sentiments and the feeling of floating that this poem gave me.

[Phillitup]

Thank you for your suggestions! I'll be sure to look back on it...I'll see what I can do for it! Thanks again for your review!

[Sid]

great poem...you have managed to put lots of emotions in just 12 lines, very distinctive...great work!!

[Phillitup]

Thank you very much!

[Sid]

:)

[kublakhan27]

This is a great poem...the imagery is fresh and unique...you've packed a book's worth of imagination and emotion into a dozen lines...awesome :)

[Phillitup]

Thank you very much! I'm glad that you enjoyed it!

[kublakhan27]

My pleasure :)

[Theartofburning]

"A world so full of space
Hardly any actually mine"

What a riddling line.
I like this.
^-^

[Phillitup]

Thank you very much!

[Clove]

I like this poem it's pretty creative!

[Phillitup]

thanks