21st century

It's the age of fast food
and protected sex.

We wear the skin of
young stars and flaunt
our mundane lives as if
they were universes,
thinking someone, God perhaps,
actually cared what class
got canceled or how drunk
we were last night.

We've lobotomized ourselves
like lobsters--eyes-first
into boiling water,
our flesh tender
and craving acceptance.

We follow needles,
whether in a clock or syringe,
because something
(faith, work, drugs)
has to fuel our mannequins.

We carve into ourselves
searching for the one gear
that will turn the world
in our favor. But blood
is red, space is black
and stars are silver
surgical tools.

Author's Note

instead of "actually cared what class" in second stanza, should it be "actually gave a fuck about what class"

Reviews

[Amelie]

My fave from your "recents". It didn't sound cocky or presumptuous though the voice is assertive. The language you used has a tight grip. I couldn't agree more to the 3rd stanza, and "lobotomize" is one of the words I've been meaning to use in a poem. haha. but oh well, you owned it. dang! :))

[eglantine]

ooo you should use it and then send me a read request!!! Thanks for reading :)

[TLK]

I've just realised the homophonic tendencies of 'lobotomize' and 'lobster' thanks to this review. I think this link definitely improved how the work reads, to the point I didn't even notice it consciously.

[.]

Beautiful work. Your use of words and short lines really pack an impact to the tone of your poem. Great job

[eglantine]

Thank you as always

[.]

Your welcome as always

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i think changing that line to "actually gave a f**k about what class" would not enhance the poem...it would draw attention to "f**k" unnecessarily...the line as is works just fine.

it would be like doing a poem and having one really big word thrown in...would be awkward without helping the meaning or feel.

this poem works on so many levels...and is very much an apt description of what we are like in today's society...and what unfortunately is important to us...we are as real as mannequins anymore...we are window dressing rather than depth.

i love this poem...

damn, on here two days and already getting so inspired...

thanks for this ...

jacob

[eglantine]

Yes, I agree. I'm almost sure I'm going to leave that line as is. Thank you for reading

[jacob erin-cilberto]

you are most welcome...i so much enjoyed reading this.

[joshua deathdealer]

This is great. Very original. I find the ending intriguing to say the least.

[eglantine]

thanks!

[Becky]

I don't know if "beautiful" is quite the right word, but excellent write monetheless. Your words are scorching and honest.

[eglantine]

thank ya much

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlande..]

I think if you have to ask, you definitely need to use the phrase "gave a f**k"; cathartically speaking...wonderful piece of writing

[eglantine]

Thanks for reading :D

[TLK]

First stanza: I notice antagonism between 'fast' and 'protected'. This starts the theme of falseness or, as a certain Catcher in the Rye might term it, phoniness.

"as if they were universes" is a nice simile. There is an absorption-of-consumption going on that turns people into self-parodying behemoths. We truly contain multitudes, and they blind us to the truth that others do too.

"like lobsters" is another good simile. Eyes-first indeed.

I'm not sure about 'mannequins'. The feeling it gives of glassy dead-eyed lifelessness is just a little bit too extreme.

The multiplication of meanings around "carve into ourselves" is entertaining. Truly, we are furrowed with our own failed relationships.


To answer your question: I like how it is right now. The lack of unnecessary ornamentation on the phrase leaves it plain enough that the reader can ask "do they care about this themselves?". I think it is a particular strength of this poem that the reader has space to spin the words themselves.




I wonder if you will be interested in this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Arguments_for_the_Elimination_of_Television
All criticism of modernity/post-modernity should be welcome, because the main strength of both of these cultural epochs is traumatising self-aggrandisement.

[eglantine]

thank you so much for the wonderful review. I'll def check out that article :)

[TLK]

I enjoy giving good reviews, especially when a work deserves it.

[Allycat]

"We follow needles,
whether in a clock or syringe,
because something
(faith, work, drugs)
has to fuel our mannequins."

Lovely write!

[eglantine]

thanks Allycat :)

[Hamza]

picture perfect for the present day situation ..
life has been struggling like this between materialism and spiritualism ...
yet, i would say ... this won't change ..
while faith is eternal; skepticism is beating tirelessly in every heart ..

[eglantine]

oh humanity... thanks for reading!

[Kim]

Gosh, amazing! The final stanza is simply stunning and I love the lobster part. So deep and so true! I give you props for your honesty and your audacity to use brutal imagery.

The opening and ending are perfect in my opinion - don't change a thing.

The tense/meaning gets a little lost in the third stanza - I'd double check your phrasings/punctuation. Maybe read it out loud and see what happens. For some reason, my brain stumbled a little through it and I think you can make it flow just as well as the rest of the poem.

Love the needles part. Yeah, it's really only that one stanza. I think it's missing a word or something - I'm sorry that I can't put my finger on it.

Great, great work and I look forward to more of your work! :)

[eglantine]

yeah, it needs some kind of tweaking lol Good advise to read it outloud--I'll be sure to do that after work :)

[That_Girl]

Gave a f**k adds some attitude but it works either way. Great poem. The last sentence is absolutely brilliant. Lovely as ever my dear!

[eglantine]

thank you :)