Enjoy the Harvest and Reap

Observing my human experience

One-way Tickets to Nowhere

The warm, tropical sun enjoys a fruit smoothie while rippling ocean waves perform the most relaxing concert Heidi’s ears can imagine. Idiosyncratic birds with brightly-colored feathers sing along as the atoms in her body laugh into the toasty sand like a child who lacks an awareness of the planet’s problems. Palm trees with cliché color schemes sway behind her, providing the perfect amount of shade, and whisper maxims like, it’s great if you don’t care. But when the sun vomits the icy drink and a downpour of dog drool attacks her taste buds, Heidi remembers that she’s dreaming.

Scarborough’s frenetic St. Bernard managed to fill the car with drool while Heidi slept in the back seat. She rolls down the window and it drains out like a bottle of sweaty hand sanitizer. Berkeley wags her tail and pants as if she’s been administered a thousand consecutive breathalyzers. Nothing’s around the three of them except for cacti with cliché color schemes, an unplugged water cooler, and miles of dry mud cracking under the scorching heat. Heidi flicks Scarborough’s ear and his tense, matchstick arms honk the horn at nobody as he wakes up from behind the wheel. Muttering nonsense, his pizza belly turns around toward Berkeley and the blonde. And after a sluggish yawn, he says they’re out of fuel but it’s her turn to drive.

I presume that Scarborough and Heidi slept through the sounds a car makes when it veers off the road and drives into desert nothingness. Last I remember, a day’s worth of road separated them from reaching their destination, the Alamo. Their plan was comprised of taking cliché photos of that historic puppy (the Alamo, that is) and licensing the images to a postcard company in Southeast Asia. Ironically, the company’s slogan is something along the lines of, our history is defined by abrupt discontinuities coming in social, political, economic, and military guises. Wait, never mind.

Always Resorting Back to Cheap Thrills

“You have twenty minutes to complete this section. Remember, some of the questions will be easier and some will be harder. If you are unsure of an answer, move on to the next question and return to the problem when you have completed your remaining questions. Do not work on questions from the next section or the previous section. Failing to adhere to these guidelines will result in an automatic dismissal from the building and a score of zero on the exam. Now, turn to page seven hundred in the booklet. Make sure you see a reading passage titled, One-way Tickets to Nowhere. Please begin working.”

Ms. Gotti was once asked to read the countdown for a solo-launch to the moon. They said her voice was more harmonious than a masochist dating a sadist. She accepted the honor and then returned to reading the directions for the 24-Hour Exam. From what I’d seen so far, that’s what she loved to do.

I’ve never taken the 24-Hour Exam. When my friend asked me if I wanted to proctor it, I nodded and said that some pocket change would be nice. So, Ms. Gotti shuffles through papers and keeps an eye on the clock. And I shuffle through rows of desks and keep an eye on the stressed-out humans as a physical deterrent for compulsions to cheat. The outdated room owns a peculiar sound. Countless pencils simultaneously withering away one small bubble at a time, that is.

A lot of the world thinks they’re in the know, but I don’t understand the purpose of this test. Questions change from day to day. Humans come and go. Are they motivated by freedom? Doubt? Ms. Gotti’s infatuating voice? My favorite observation about the test takers is how none of their answer sheets look the same.

Forward in Time to a Weird Past

“What do you mean humans should evolve passed money?”

- We’ve created a system that only works if humans continue to consume. Money is a short-sighted tool. It’s primitive and insidious. Corrupt. Overflowing with duplicity. I don’t wanna be associated with it.

“You know, I get where you’re coming from. I wish the world didn’t revolve around acquiring money, too. But, sadly, it does. It does. And I love the idea of not worrying about finances but that’s not reality, you know?”

- So you don’t think humans should at least try to make that idea a reality?

“I think you just have a romantic idea of the world. Like I said, I love the idea but we should think logically. If money gets us ahead in life then that’s what we need to focus on. If that changes in the future, then cool.”

- But it’s not going to change on its own.

“If it’s meant to change it will.”

- I don’t know. Maybe we just have different world views.

“I guess.”

- I still care about you though. A difference of opinion won’t compromise that.

“Why do you bother with difficult conversations?”

- Well, I want the future to know that humans hoped for things to be different.

Writing: the Calligraphy of Reading

“You have thirty minutes to complete this section. Remember, some of the questions will be easier and some will be harder. If you are unsure of an answer, move on to the next question and return to the problem when you have completed your remaining questions. Do not work on questions from the next section or the previous section. Failing to adhere to these guidelines will result in an automatic dismissal from the building and a score of zero on the exam. Now, turn to page one in the booklet. Make sure you see a reading passage titled, Enjoy the Harvest and Reap. Please begin working.”