For Sale: The Ugliest Teapot in the World

for craigslist ad contest

So this teapot of mine? Ten years ago aunt found it in her attic and gave to me. I kind of couldn't say "no", but I swear I will never ever let it grace my kitchen. It's been collecting dust in my attic until last week when I decided to go through the things in the attic after realizing that it was tornado season. Not sure what that really has to do with anything at all but I thought I'd throw it in there.

 

How ugly is this thing? Picture roses that are pretending to be carnations, made by an amateur cake decorator just learning to use the icing gun. Picture them in gaudy, jarring colors... red and yellow and blue and fuschia. Picture scrolls of frothy china lace and fake satin ribbon, crackle glazed for "antiquing effect". With a sickening pea green underbelly and a fake basket, and the requisite little China boy bowing on the lid. Picture the whole ordeal frothing with little blue monstrous flowers, just for effect, not to mention badly rendered cherry blossoms (worse than the roses) and doves that look like evil afterthoughts, squinty and mealy eyed like the orcs in the Lord of the Rings.

 

In fact, picture the teapot in Disney's "Beauty and the Beast". Now picture its evil twin sister, with sad droopy has been junkie eyes colored crack w***e blue and with a built-in glazed over "whatevah" personality. Picture the miserable thing taking a drag in a cigarette while belting out "Sweet Child of Mine" and making dinner out of pasta and ketchup and water, and you'll get an idea of what kind of container we're talking about here.

 

If someone tried to serve tea in this thing in England, Queen Elizabeth would have them either exiled or put to death. In Ireland they'd just beat the s**t out of you. In Scotland, your body would never be found. In India, it would make a great backdrop for an over-the-top Bollywood palace rendition, complete with girls festooned in fake gold pretending to belly dance while Eduard Khil comes out extolling the praises of communism. Don't know who the hell I'm talking about? Look him up- I guarantee you'll never forget him. In fact, do look him up. I'm pretty sure he has this same teapot in his dining room, prominently displayed. It's the only excuse I can think of for that painful, awful, smarmy, forced look he wears in his video. I'm serious. Eduard Khil helped bring a premature end to the Cold War, and I'm pretty sure this teapot was his inspiration for the worst song video ever made.

 

My aunt said this thing belonged to my great-grandmother, but I'm certain she's mistaken. Had tea actually been served from this teapot while young gentlemen came calling, my grandmother never would would have had the chance to lose her virginity, and I sure as hell wouldn't be sitting here today typing this message. 

 

This thing is stamped, "Made in West Virginia". What the f**k do people in West Virginia know about making fine china? Was this someone's school art project in 1902, before we had such thing as quality control? This teapot may have actually brought the entire Romantic Era to a screeching halt, come to think of it. This teapot is the reason we suffered Art Deco and its after-effects. This teapot knows your name and knows where to find you. This teapot exudes low levels of radiation from its chintzy glaze. I am sure this teapot is plotting its revenge. This teapot may have been what convinced Great Britain to give Hong Kong back to China. This teapot doesn't take prisoners. Chuck Norris was afraid to use this teapot.

 

This teapot... could... be... yours.

 

$15 or best offer. You come pick it up. Bring gloves and a lead box.

Author's Note

For Lonestar's contest about writing a phony ad for craigslist- I've seen some inventive ones, and thought I'd give it a try...

Reviews

[Through the Gateway]

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

"Chuck Norris was afraid to use this teapot."

Brilliant. I'm loving the over-the-top description of this thing. Reminiscent of another craigslist ad I saw a while back about the world's "Loudest Vacuum Cleaner."

The funny thing is, if you actually put this in CL, I swear people would be beating down your door. A hell of a trophy!

...lead box. Hysterical!

[Tree]

Hilarious. You slew me today with this story (my stomach hurts). I think a lot of people can relate to this because we all have a family member trying to pawn their junk on us; just a funny piece, Raquelita. One that made my day :)

Happy New Year, Raquelita

––Diego

[Marie Anzalone]

Thanks Diego :-) I am very happy to know this made you laugh today. I write so much that is serious and deep, it is a refreshing break to just wander away to the dark recesses of my twisted sense of humor sometimes. I am glad this little atrocity made your day- and yes, we all do have that ONE family memeber.

Happy New Year to you and all those you hold dear as well. They are already shooting off massive quantities of fireworks here; think I am going up on the roof to enjoy the show and atmosphere and to contemplate new beginnings. Te aprecio mucho, amigo.

[Tree]

Sounds enchanting Raquelita, be well

Diego

[Marie Anzalone]

so for fun I actually posted this ad to se if it would get any response... and here is the best one I got:

"Dear Sir,
Your teapot ad had me in stitches. I am not particularly interested in the piece of fine crapsmanship you are selling, but wished to applaud you on the best craigslist ad ever, aside from a Mitsubishi Eclipse I saw that was tradeable for a case of beer and a blockbuster gift card. I also enjoyed how you finished it off with a Chuck Norris reference. Well played. If I had lived in the area, I would absolutely pay the $15 for the teapot
Sincerely,
Travis"

[Mark]

(Sesame Street is today brought to you by the word "hyperbole"...)
Although my Grandmother had stuff like this, neither my brother or I was ever allowed within fifty feet of it. Time was, I resented that. Little did I know, she was just trying to preserve our retinas!
Fortunately, since the invention of the Microwave, i don't think anyone under ninety has felt the need of a teapot, or ever will again. Ship it to Japan, with instructions to drop it into the Marianas trench!

[Vesa Lee]

Brilliant, brilliant, GOLD.
The whole piece was just hilarious but that last paragraph had me rolling.

"This teapot may have actually brought the entire Romantic Era to a screeching halt..."

Bless their hearts, those West Virginian's do their best...;D
Always an immense pleasure.
Now I'll have you in mind whenever I see such a ceramic atrocity out in the world.

[Poetic Beauty]

This is funny and very descriptive. I am so glad that isn't my teapot. You did a great job on this story about the ugliest teapot for sale.