Change

I have been thinking lately, how do I fix all the little hiccups and bigger hits that I have come my way. The responsibilities have built up and have become a heavy burden upon my shoulders. While I know I can carry more than most, it's hard to do when the ground beneath my feet has started to shake and tilt. My world has become unstable, unbalanced and the weight of my responsibilities are becoming too much to carry. I fear that I won't be able to hold them when the ground finally shifts. Change in my foundation is coming fast. Every instinct I have is screaming to brace myself. I have courage plenty but my strength has ebbed. You see it hasn't been very long since my world crashed down and I had to build a new one from the ground up. I haven't really recovered from the last upheaval.
I haven't yet planned an exit strategy. My struggles are still there and my new struggles are adding up, putting more weight on my soul. Even with my confidence and courage I have doubts that I'll be able to do as well. I will be ok but I want to be more than ok. I have been in survival mode so long and I had such hopes that I could finally live. One hit here, a slap there everytime I get close. I am discouraged and hope is more forced than actually felt. I can't seem to clearly see the positive possibilities on the other side of this new change coming.
My soul is tired, it desperately needs rest to recharge. I fear I haven't any time left. I can already feel the cracks forming under me. All I want to do is let go and let it come. Embrace the change and see it for all the possibilities I know it can be. Im just so tired and drained. I worry that if I do let go I won't be able to find my way back. That I'll just disappear or float away into nothingness. I thought all was well, no I convinced myself that all was well because I was free from my old shackles and anything else was bliss and for awhile it was. I was afraid to take that final step to truly free myself and now I see my mistake. No time to prepare, only time to brace.
I want to survive and build, to live again. I hope that I find more strength and I'm not as drained or as weak as I feel. I need something I can hold on to, something I can borrow strength from. I have been alone for so long. I ache to know what it feels like to lean upon someone else, to have someone else help me carry my responsibilities just for a little while. I don't want to do it alone again. I know I can catch myself but I can't help but wish someone was there to catch me just once. I want a partner, someone whole like me. I want to be able to depend on and trust in someone else. Someone I can hand things over to knowing they can carry my load for me if I should break until I am strong again.
Maybe that is just too much to ask for? Maybe that just isn't possible because it doesn't actually exist? I'm losing hope in the finding of such a person and the change will come before I find them. What will be left of me to love if I can't embrace this new shift in my reality and find the best possibilities. Not many can fall in love with the broken.