Displaced

I was displaced

I never saw it coming

There were no storm clouds on the horizon

No red skies in the morning in warning.

 

I never saw it coming

I was just suddenly displaced

I found myself in Mahanaim

A long long way from home.

 

I do not belong here, I cried

I was made for a different place

This place is not my place

This place is not my home.

 

I want to be back in yesterday

I want to be back home

They speak a different language here

And my soul is longing for its home.

 

~~~~

Reviews

[Lydia]

This poem is super captivating. It definitley drew me in with it's meter and flow. 100/100

[spiritwind]

Wow! Lydia, a 100/100! I am dancing now! Thank you so much! I am pleased that my baby captivated you! I had meter and flow. Wow! I can't wait to write another one and see what you think. OOOOOOh, I hope it won't be a 0/100!!!

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

What can evoke more feelings than "home"? You have written a poem that makes me feel, and remember. It even reminds me of a home I can't fully remember...having been "displaced". ;)

[spiritwind]

Thank you for reviewing this poem and giving me your reactions to it. I truly hope these remembrances dd not cause you undue pain.

[Mia]

LOVE,LOVE, LOVE this!!! I look forward to reading more of your stuff!

[spiritwind]

Thank you for your kindness. Oh, how I hope my next one pleases you as well.

[Mia]

I don't doubt it :)

[Benton "spokenwordsmith..]

Awesome! your poetry is amazingly amazing. Keep writing!

[spiritwind]

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. They are deeply appreciated.

[Heather]

what a scary feeling to be in a place that you don't want to be, and longing for home. I can feel the fear of being out of sorts. Good job.

[spiritwind]

Thank you, Heather, for reading and reviewing. It IS a scary feeling, one that makes you grateful for friends and home.

[Traycee]

I see this as a spiritual statement, and I love it.

[spiritwind]

YES!!!!! It is! Thank you for seeing that. You can go a little deeper too!

[Dr. Wood ?]

we all get 'displaced' at some time in our lives, you describe it very well. It can be unnerving to be outside the comfort zone...You feel alienated...Great job.

[spiritwind]

Oh, how exciting it is to open up this page and see more people have commented on my poem. I am so grateful that you took time to read it and then comment on it. Yes, displacement is unnerving, isn't it? A homesickness of the soul. Thank you, Dr. Wood, for your very kind and encouraging words.

[Dr. Wood ?]

It's the reviews that keep us ALL going I think. But I will only say what I see..this was a great poem

[spiritwind]

Thank you for putting a great big smile on my face!!!

[Dr. Wood ?]

i usually reserve that for my kids poetry

[Patricia B. Hepler]

'.....And my soul is longing for its home.'
Mournful truth spoken well.
~pat

[spiritwind]

Pat, what a lovely poetic comment! I must read your work. If you sound this good in 4 words, what must you be like in a whole poem of words! Thank you, Pat, for a delicious comment!

[PatrickBairamian]

really great rhyme scheme that flows well and makes easy transitions. It's a great poem, I felt something about my own lost surroundings...

[spiritwind]

Thank you for commenting on the almost non-existent rhyme scheme. For me, inner rhymes are easier and flow better. I am glad to hear that it made easy transitions... I know what I'm saying but I sure don't know what you're hearing! Thank you for telling me. I am truly sorry for your own lost surroundings. Your soul seems a kind one so hopefully it is a temporary condition as your surroundings fill with friends drawn to your kindness.

[PatrickBairamian]

When I said rhyme scheme I meant the smooth transitions that moved from line to line (flowing like a rhyme) without the choppy breaks some poems have. should have clarified

[spiritwind]

Thank you for clarifying. Smooth transitions--that is a good thing to have in a poem like this. Perhaps some poems actually benefit from having some choppy breaks, do you think?

[PatrickBairamian]

I think if that a choppy break from the flow represents a split that the poet is trying to get the reader to feel. As in, when a reader is reading some story about...love, for instance, and the poet has a clear flow until a "problem" arises in the context of the poem, and he uses a split/choppy break to emphasize how much the feeling shocked him into reality, just as it shocked the reader from the flow. that's my take on it.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

I do like it but found the repitition of phrases about home overly done. There are two in the final stanza and it makes it feel a little uncrafted. I think with that addressed you have written a lovely little piece and the isolation and longing shows through. Well done!

[spiritwind]

I flinched when I first read this comment. Then I reread my poem. You're right. The two in the last stanza were definitely one too many. I think I could have gotten by with one home per stanza. Do you think so too? I shall look it over with a scowl when I am alone and see what can be done... Thank you, John, for pointing that out. And thank you for the encouraging words. I respond well to pats on the head! And nicely done criticisms like this are so very helpful. And it only smarted a little!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

I am not one for simply giving platitudes in fear that someone might review my work negatively. I have always been honest with my kids about their strengths and tried to guide them to major on their strengths and not so much on their weaknesses. You write very well and I enjoy rerading your work and I think this is possibly the first time I have given and suggestions. I would stop short of using the word critism. We writers can be sensitive and fickle. I have helped some young writers because I understand crafting and maturing into your writing (not that I get it right!!) So I think it worth trying this piece with less references to home. If you want to keep the lines try replacing the final 'home' with 'place'. You have used the word place four times in the penultimate paragraph but you get away with it as it feels like emphasis and build up of emotion. So to replace 'home' with 'place' also provides a link and continuity. Often one word makes a difference in our game.

[spiritwind]

Thank you! Yes. Criticism has unpleasant connotations while suggestions almost make a person purr! I am honored that this might be the first time you have given suggestions! Really, it is risky to be giving a helpful nudge to some people--but I promise to take your suggestion and ponder it well. When I reread this with your suggestion in mind, it was so obvious yet I had not seen it myself. I can only hope that in a few months I would have returned and seen it. Each word is THAT important because we build on them, one word at a time. They should be chosen with care. Hmmm, I am reading it with place instead of the last home... I'm not pleased yet... but I see the problem with "home". I have my work cut out. When I finally get it [hopefully] right, do I post it again or maybe just tell you what I did? I am so new here it's ridiculous how little I know my way around. Thank you , John, for taking time out for me and other writers. I know you must be hugely busy with your own projects.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

No part of this community is giving time and attention to the works of others in return for enjoying their work and them sharing your own efforts. Hey there is no compulsion to accept suggestions. You have to be happy with yourn work. If you do alter it post it. As I said part of all writing is crafting your piece if you need to.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

No, part.................................