Imaginary

Just an ordinary romance poem

I saw a girl at the dormitory
I found her name was Mary
She was so pretty
Her eyes were so breezy
Her hair was so shiny
Her body was so skinny
Her dress was so catchy
Made me went crazy
But unfortunately
She was just imaginary

Author's Note

Feel free to give comments :)

Reviews

[barleygirl]

What I like: your descriptions don't follow the same old boring ideas of "beauty". I Iike that your love interest is skinny & not perfect. You've done a good job of starting with one idea, then bringing in a twist at the end -- things are not as it seems at first, we find out it's imaginary not real. These kinds of twists are good, showing the contrasts of life.

I don't like so much: You use many simple, one-dimensional descriptions (all visual) . . . "pretty" & "shiny hair" are not vivid descriptions of a real human with complexity. You are describing this person like an object, like a Barbie doll. It's a flat picture with no depth. More details make for better writing. Show me why you think she's pretty. Use all the senses -- smell, sight, feel, taste, & sound. Build your descriptions with many layers . . . use lines that are mixed up in length & structure, not the same basic sentence over & over: "Her eyes were this . . . " . . . "Her hair was that . . . " . . . this sounds too repetitive & simplified. Show me a real person in real life.

Thank you for accepting my somewhat critical comments in good faith. I don't mean to cut you down, I just want to see you grow & stretch in your writing.

[Kevin Gerardo]

First of all, thank you for your critical comment. I never thought that it would be so meaningful for me as an amateur writer. To be honest with you, I am lacking in experiences of literary writing, especially in writing a good poem. That is why my poem may seem so "dull". Pardon me, but I still need to improve myself. Hopefully, I will be better next time. Once again, my thanks to you. I do appreciate it!

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

Maybe oneday this girl will no longer be imaginary huh :)
This was a great poem, full of emotion, and a longing, for this prson to be real, and like I said I'm sure someday you wont have to imagine.
But always continue to use your imagination, it can make for great poetry :)
Wonderful write:)

[Kevin Gerardo]

Yes, you are right. Nothing can stop our imagination to make such a great masterpiece. Anyway, thank you for liking and giving comment. It means a lot to me :)

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

Your most welcome :)

[JayG]

Makes no sense. Line one says the speaker "saw." The last line says that was a lie, making the narrator unreliable.

And: Made me WENT crazy? Seriously?

[Kevin Gerardo]

Thank you for your criticism. I admit it looks so terrible because of the fact that I am not good enough at writing such a good poem. The idea of this poetry just accidentally popped up out of my mind and that was it. Also, I am sorry if there is a little bit mistake in my grammar. Speaking as a newcomer, I still need some improvements on writing poetry. But thank you very much. I really appreciate it.

[Ashish]

I couldn't stop my smile from the first line..
Impressive Kevin
Short, simple,sweet :)

[Kevin Gerardo]

Thank you, Kumar. But don't you think that it is a little bit weird? I mean the content of my poetry.

[Ashish]

No..may be I am not mature enough to identify that

[Kevin Gerardo]

haha it's okay