Chapter 1.

The fist step into the world of Adrian.

What the hell was I doing, every time, every single time, am I never going to learn? All these thoughts rushed through my head, pounding as if I could feel pain, but they had no power on my conscience, the only thing that I was concerned with was the smell. Intoxicating, almost like tainted metal yet sweet, it reminded me of honeysuckle in the summer and copper, copper coins. I put my hand to my mouth, still moist and warm, if not fading a little now; it had been at least ten minutes after all.

 

 His eyes were still open, rich chocolate brown, specs of green glittered at the edges of his pupils like sea-weed on the beaches of white sands, you see those things on television and movies, as a mark of respect you close the eyes of the dead, but had I not given him the ultimate compliment, had he not felt my urgency for him through his own fear. Maybe not, but now his spirit can see how special he was, is, if such things are real of course. No I’ll leave them open, stare into him for a while, until the blood runs cold anyway. I knew nothing about him, his name, who he was, had he a job or family? I neither know nor care for such things, they don’t concern me or my purpose or indeed the purpose they have for me. 

 

There’s no way he could have foreseen what I was going to do tonight, after all he is a mere human, beautiful but human. He probably took one look at me and his groin hardened in anticipation of yet another hook up. I had that effect on men, even when I was alive, tall, fair brown hair, well built, athletic body my many, may lovers used to say, that I could charm even the holiest of patrons, well I guess I should use the official name for them, clients. I had sea blue eyes, my best feature I’ve been told and all the bodily gifts of a Greek god " you may have noticed I have a lot of love for myself, merely because I never let anyone love me and I never show any to others, it helps me kill them faster, let no one in and guilt never enters my black little heart.

 

 Of course being a w***e was well and truly over, now that I’m a vampire there’s no need to make money, I just take it and whatever else I want, like my latest meal. Older than I, well older than this body was at its time of change, grey, business man possibly, I only say that because he wore a tailored grey suit which blended his hair and skin into one prefect lump, but if he was a business type, who knows, today’s fashions are all tailoring and clear cut unless you’re a superstar of course, then it’s all meat dresses and weird hats. He’ll be missed; he wore a wedding band, plain but clearly a wife waiting at home, wherever that was. The bite mark was visible but only on close inspection, I’ll burn him, take them a while to discover who he is, I wonder if he had children, not that I was concerned for them, nothing like that, I was just thinking if they were young enough to forget him, or would they be forever seeking his killer, that’s if they realise he was murdered and if so they’ll blame some criminal from some gang, vampires in this world were confined to Anne Rice novels or the big screen, popular in fact, I always find it funny they think we sparkle in the sun, in the sun I resemble more a lump of spent coal than a diamond.

 

 The blood was cold now, it energized me, and it still runs hot in my veins, liquid fire, almost sexually arousing if I still had a sex drive. Such things are a weakness, sex is tool now, it invites those, willing or not into me arms, and my bed, and my stomach. These poor creatures, well they are always doing something to escape their miserable realities, drugging, boozing, sexing, one way or another, I provide the ultimate release, death. Now I’ve got an hour before dawn, and miles to travel, a rule I always had was never crap where you eat so I always strayed well away from my sweet little village to feed. I may be vampire, but home is where the heart is, even the ones that no longer beat. I dragged him to the river, an old a banded bridge was the perfect place to burn him, spectacular when found but for now just a fire for me to run from, his clothes caught fire quickly, if he was in business it didn’t pay well, cheap clothes for a cheap man. 

 

Standing back, getting ready to go home, “Ah Adrian, yet another perfect night, well done old boy”, I laughed, why I always referred to myself in the third person is beyond me but I did, all the time. Freud may have said it was me trying to escape myself, but unlike the lucky dead, that was never going to happen. Pondering the big questions isn’t something I do very often; feeding and taking what I want completed me to satisfaction. However the cheap married business man did provide me with a question. Why are people, even dead ones like me, always looking for a way out? I got home in time for sleep, barely, dropping off I couldn’t help but give my thoughts to my meal, not in respect just mindless thought, good blood, I closed his eyes.

Author's Note

Honesty is key!

Reviews

[Chris]

"athletic body my many, may lovers ..." Period after body? and is it "may" or perhaps - many?

"an old a banded bridge ..." - abandoned?

"Freud may have said it was me trying to escape myself, but ..." - does or did Adrian KNOW Freud? if not then "may" should be might (I think).

Many run on and on sentences - that I took for the internal dialogue they were..but it would be good to lighten the "load" somewaht (again, that IS just my thought). Don't drop the words...just use a period in place of a comma or three.

I like it's "flow" - and the pun was thought of BEFORE I wrote it.

Chris

[Will Neill]

Thomas, A well written good first chapter, I look forward to reading more.
Will

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

Thank you Will

[J.R. Bergwick]

I like this, and i think i understand what you were telling me about with my story. I love the references to real world things you have in there. Just a minor thing, i noticed a few grammer and spelling errors in there but nothing really important.

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

Thank you, I know I'm a terrible editor of my own work!

[lei]

a good read, another mysterious chapter....

[Amila Jay]

Vampires let loose again ;) liked the chapter, great write:))

[Popble]

I thought it was a vampire! The story just got better, and now I'm almost done with what you have so far, that's a shame. I definitely liked how the person being bitten was the start of the story instead of having it as Adrian all through. Well, time for chapter 2!

[patricia]

I have done a lot of reviews tonight, it isnt the best time for me to tackle this, but your style of writing is amazing, the description of the brown eyes speckled green was brilliant. This is a deep write, almost as if it is saying a monster has been created from a childhood trauma. I liked the Freudian stuff about third person vocabulary.. Thanks.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

I feel the beginning is a little off ...still it is intriguing and not 'another vampire story'...I don't think you needed the word well in the one sentence .i was left wondering about Adrian's meal.. who he was ect. Yes, Adrian is full of himself, a very good description of him and his personality. Now there is much mystery here for us to wonder about. I enjoyed this very much. A good write , honestly.

Chloe

[Fairytale]

"What the hell was I doing..." - This is a very mild way to begin the first chapter to something so intense. This sounds more like the middle of a light plot.

"..., every time, every single time, am I never going to learn?" - The first sentence is a bit confusing. The last part (starting with "am") should be a separate sentence.

"All these ... pounding as if I could feel pain..." - What does this mean?

", but they had no power on my conscience, the only thing that I was concerned with was the smell." - This should be a separate sentence.

"His eyes were still open, rich chocolate brown, specs of green glittered at the edges of his pupils like sea-weed on the beaches of white sands..." - great description. This helps us connect to your story and feel involved. The description after this seems to be what is going on in Adrian's head. This kind of 'telling' detail' must be done carefully, as it can divert the reader. It can stop your story from progressing. Here you 'told' instead of showed, but it kind of worked. I believe you could make this easier for the reader to relate to by showing a bit more, but it was still good.

"...you see those things on television and movies, as a mark of respect you close the eyes of the dead,..." - Here is a good example of what I am pointing out above.

"Maybe not, but now his spirit can see how special he was, is, if such things are real of course. " - How? Interesting concept, though.

"I neither know nor care for such things,..." - This comes across as generic.

"...they don’t concern me or my purpose or indeed the purpose they have for me." - I didn't understand the last part of this sentence.

" ...now that I’m a vampire there’s no need to make money, I just take it and whatever else I want, like my latest meal." - Show us through your story.

"I only say that because ...then it’s all meat dresses and weird hats." - This took me right out of the story.

"I’ll burn him, ... wonder if he had children, not that I was concerned for them, nothing like that,..." - You tell us about Adrian's curiosities, and then telling us he didn't care. I get that he is being unemotional, but he is also contradicting himself. Why are you telling us if it is not important?

" The blood was cold now, it energized me, and it still runs hot in my veins, liquid fire, almost sexually arousing if I still had a sex drive." - This is good. Describing Adrian's experience of drinking is interesting. You are sharing the experience with us here.

There are a number of sentences that should be broken up into separate sentences. Also, you may want to revise the grammar. There is a lot of telling about what Adrian is thinking. This is okay as long as you can keep the reader involved. I found that the explaining is distracting and takes away from the story. This is an interesting story so far, and I look forward to seeing what happens next.

[Lillianna Rey]

very very good my friend. i love how he refers to ppl believen that ppl think vampires sparkle in the sun. dont get me wrong i love twilight but this world needs to c real vamps like adrian. im already hooked; youve opened a brand new world that im just dyn to explore and dive right into. amazing chapter