Tell me when you're ready (I can't do it on my own)

You are confusing me and hurting me;

Changing your mind

Breaking the promises you make me

and making me question everything

Hiding in plain view

Bottling your thoughts and needs

or releasing them all at once;

at the expense of mine

Love is not me vs. you

Love is a partnership

but our foundation

has so many cracks within it

We are not strong enough

to beat this family disease on our own

It’s in our cells, and our interactions

and none of it’s our fault

We learned to survive in our environments

to develop coping skills so we could carry on

to make sense of the dysfunction

to find our own normal

my paralyzing fear of losing control

your paralyzing fear of trying and failing

our broken pieces make up a complicated puzzle

and I think we need some help to sort it all out

we planned out all of the future

but forgot to take care of the present

when love is not enough

the foundation begins to crumble

I wish you could see;

strength is not being too proud to reach out for help

to figure out a way to do it on our own

to not have to admit to weakness with an audience

we are not unique

and we are not alone

so many people have walked in our foot steps

but it feels like we’re on a lonely island

You seem to have become addicted to escaping

and I am addicted to you

to helping you; to changing you

I’ve gotten sick now too

I wanted to create a life with you

where we didn’t need to put anything in our body’s to take the edge off

i’d hoped that it was possible

To live a sober life and be happy

facing our inner fears and our flaws

is so terrifying

I can see you’re scared

and i am too

I’m scared to live without you

and even more scared to fail at breaking the cycles

what would the future hold? 

If we didn’t mend the broken pieces

this is bigger than us

beyond our control

if we could do it on our own

we would have already 

Can’t you see? 

Our relationship goes up in smoke

every time that you do

an invisible barrier

because you are right here,

and yet so very far away

I become a little girl again

far too familiar with disappointment

I recognize it well;

the broken promises 

the hidden substances around the house

the fear of getting my hopes up

the lack of truth

the insecurity and paranoia

it’s all so crazy making 

it triggers all my memories

“I could quit if I wanted to”

Those words echo in my head

When something costs you so much

maybe it’s become more than a simple choice

addiction has many faces 

its substances

its spending

it’s needing a vice to get through life

It’s the inability to cope with stress without something to help you escape reality

one man’s medicine is another mans poison

and just because not everyone gets sick; doesn’t mean we won’t

because our building blocks are broken, we don’t work the same as everyone else

it’s such a slippery slope

fun doesn’t mean having to hide from your partner

and fun doesn’t mean feeling ashamed of what you do

this isn’t fun anymore

I’m going to get better

Whether you do or not

it’s the only choice I have:

to fix my damaged pieces

It doesn’t have to be counselling

it can be support groups

education, literature

self awareness and small changes

I will care for you deeply

but never enough, to let go of my values and my dreams

of creating a happy family

that is free from addiction and dysfunction

I am afraid of how we’d cope 

with the stress of adult responsibilities

if you need to take the edge off now

what will you need then?

I like to think we could have had it all 

but maybe that was wishful thinking

we are such different people

but so much of us is also the same

So I will go find help

so that I can heal;

so that I can let go of control

and stop finding relationships that play out the same story

It’s time for me to write a new script

and I don’t know if you’ll join me 

I know you must go on your own path

but I’ll hope one day that they may cross again