Mountain Babies

Read it. It's not as long as it looks....

Mountain babies coming down,
coming down, coming down;
mountain babies coming down
and now we have the beat.

There's a town up in the jagged hills,
where they keep a secret tale.

I heard it from a drunkard there,
while we shared a night in jail.

As I stepped into that shabby cell,
 he jumped up on his feet;

and stuck right out his sweaty hand
and said, it's nice to meet...

But, before I even had the chance 
to match his goofy grin;

he dropped back down and passed right out
from his night of raging sin.

So I had some time to kick my heals
in peace; call it an hour,

'til he let out a roaring burp
that woke his face all sour.

Then we got to talking,
swapping jokes and sharing riddle;

and he told me a story
granny'd sang to grandad's fiddle.



"Mountain Babies"

Now, Jesus wrote, in his last chapter,
about an ending with a rapture;
but in this place that god's forsaken,
we all know we won't be taken.

Instead we're waiting for that thunder
to roll into this town;

and tear this whole wide world asunder,
when they start coming down.

'Cause up there, hidden in the clouds,
they're  cooing up a storm.

My uncle said he saw the crowds,
that mountain baby swarm.

For now we're safe, or so they say;
all those babes can do is crawl.
But they will learn to walk one day
and that's it for us all.

'Cause when they come down from that peak,
they'll be charging like a train;

and they'll bowl over strong and weak;
we'll all be feeling pain.

There'll be no place for us to hide;
no walls will stop that flood.

Don't bother sailing with the tide;
you'll end trampled in the mud.

So when I see the dust arise,
I'll just lie down for my demise.
But if your mind's among the cleverest,
you might try atop Everest.

Author's Note

Please let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Lorry]

Firstly, apologies for missing this one, it was jammed between favourites in my reading list,
Secondly, that opening is brilliant. Not many can put a tune in your head without hearing it, but you did so brilliantly. So brilliantly in fact that it is impossible to read a second time without falling in to that rhythm again. It may have been just my thinking, but I definitely heard a banjo playing along to this.
I love the sight you paint in my mind of the rapture, surely the end of days couldn't be made more terrifying, could it? Yes, as it happens. The chaos ensuing, panic in the streets, as well as the hearts and minds of all, comes juddering to a halt by the sight of our demise, brought to us by the cherub like form of baebes. Surely a fitting end to the confusion that is and was life. Love this.

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Nemo! :)
Woohoo, my poem was hanging out with the favorites. Haha
I had a lot of fun writing this one.

[Lorry]

Ha, I just assumed I had already read it. I am determined to get through my reading list backlog today.

[mattavelli]

I had 300 read requests. I deleted them. It was a pain on my iPad. For each, I had to click X twice, then OK. 3 x 300... 900 clicks to get rid of them all. There should be a one-click solve for that. I x'd the bulk of my friends list too; went from 9 pages down to 2. I'm getting fewer reviews, but there's no pressure.

[Lorry]

I do enjoy knowing there are always things waiting for me to read each day, but 300? I should just shut the hell up complaining :)

[barleygirl]

The first stanza is truly brilliant & original . . . setting us up for a rhythmic read. The part about being in jail with the drunkard is also brilliant & original (but I already said that). I'm picturing the scene & it rings true about a drunken experience, as well as being entertaining. I have to admit, I did not feel the ease of transition between the jail part & granny's ditty. I like both, but I'm just not feeling the connection as much. It may be becuz I don't understand what "Mountain Babies" stands for (I'm no good at metaphors). Regardless of my sketchy understanding of granny's ditty, it comes across with nice rhythm & well-styled lyrical storytelling.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Barleygirl! :)
This has two parts. First, the speaker tells the story of how he learned a secret apocalyptic prophecy. The second part is that prophecy in song form. "mountain babies" suggests that the world will end as a result of a stampede of babies/toddlers coming down off a mountain and destroying everything.
I'd been listening to a lot of bluegrass music when I wrote this one. At the same time, my son was just learning to walk. He would lean forward and his feet would have to move so fast to keep him from falling on his face.

[barleygirl]

I can see exactly the forward scramble you describe (about your son) in your reply. Very well explained! *smile* Thanks for sharing more (((HUGS)))

[Jacob Clifford]

Very interesting tale. It has a unique rhyme scheme that works quite well with the content. I do quite like the tie-in with the haggard prisoner and the "Mountain babies".

[mattavelli]

Thank you for reading and the feedback, Clifford. :)

[Autonomous]

Nice work, now I see what you meant by phrasing.

[softlyfall]

Scary good. I have read it twice so far. What a great voice in this. What wonderful wit.

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Amy! :)

[....................]

i could hear a stand-up bass, the jug, fiddle and banjo chiming along to this, Matt... this could easily be turned into a bluregrass song and the first four lines would make an awesome chorus...this is creative and entertaining, reminding me of the many songs written in my province...would love to put music to this!!

[mattavelli]

Thanks, FT. I'd been listening to a lot of bluegrass when I wrote this one. Feel free to play with it as you'd like. I'd love to hear it played.

[Kayla-Vi Hopkins]

I like the flow. I've noticed lots of people have a little issue with rhyme schemes but not this piece :) well written, bravo!

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Kayla.

[Cherry Pepperweb]

Excellent!
This is your best possibly!

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Cherry. :)
I've recently moved back to the USA and discovered Pandora Radio. I had two months where I couldn't get enough bluegrass music.

[Cherry Pepperweb]

I like bluegrass but it's one of those things I forget about all the time.

[mattavelli]

I like the fast banjo and the fiddle. It has great energy. I'd like to hear it with some fast punk rock drums.

[Cherry Pepperweb]

Ashley MacIsaac did some of that...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CNXKA6wJgjc

[mattavelli]

Thanks, I'll check it out. :)

[Cherry Pepperweb]

No problem.

[mattavelli]

And I woke up the baby. Haha... Sounds fun.

[jeannemarie coulter]

very fine penning with just the right touch of humor...thank you for the excellent image wrapped in laughter...

[mattavelli]

Thank you for reading. :)

[Auxiliosophiae]

I liked this a lot. Good rhythm and an interesting story.

[mattavelli]

I'm glad you liked it. It was fun to write.