Mind Twist

A pantoum inspired by the faithful :p

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If you would let me twist your mind,

you’d see the spiral of my thought,

where any answers you might find

could be the very faith I sought.

 

You’d see the spiral of my thought,

a lie that you are flawed from birth;

could be the very faith I sought

is your denial of your worth.

 

A lie that you are flawed from birth;

it could be true, don’t toss the dice.

Is your denial of your worth

not worth eternal paradise?

 

It could be true, don’t toss the dice.

There’s nothing earthly worth your soul,

not worth eternal paradise.

Relax to it. Give me control.

 

There’s nothing earthly worth your soul.

Let worship cleanse your heart of sin.

Relax to it. Give me control

and let the current feed the spin.

 

Let worship cleanse your heart of sin.

Yes, slip into this bless-ed sea

and let the current feed the spin.

Embrace your gullibility.

 

Yes, slip into this bless-ed sea

where any answers you might find

embrace your gullibility

if you would let me twist your mind.

 

 

Author's Note

Please let me know what you think.

Reviews

[JE Falcon]

I'd have to agree with Rew on much of what she said. And I too will have to do some pantoum research, also. However, I found your words to be asking for other religions to be cast off, put aside, and to find religion in your words (?). Is that right?

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, JE! :)
I wrote this poem to highlight the absurdity of “original sin”, a concept that has been used to justify countless atrocities, from the enslavements of Europe and Africa to the genocide of the americas. My expectation is that some will find it offensive, and maybe contemplate, but I’m not offering anything but but perspective and satire.
The pantomime is a fun write. If you post one, please let me know. I’d enjoy reading it.

[JE Falcon]

Hmm, I didn't get that. Sin is just another word for lawless, and humans love to be so, in one way or another. So, I wonder, is the concept a warning or a judgment?

[mattavelli]

It’s a judgement applied to people of other tribes/religions, something that is cleansed by investing in the “true god’s” ways. I’m not sure about a human desire for lawlessness, but I’d agree that an organized religion does organize people by imposing laws. This, however, doesn’t make original sin any less absurd a concept. Thanks for the conversation.

[JE Falcon]

Strange things happen when philosophy and religion meet, even stranger when they mate.

[Esther:)]

So beautiful and heartfelt. I enjoyed the depth of your words

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading! :)

[Kesch (Finding Julia)]

WOW!! I love this piece, love that last stanza a lot,
very poetic, I feel this has religious feel to it.
nicely written and presented

[Rew]

I haven't come across a pantoum before (I shall explore this form later,)
Your interpretation of the form seems very hypnotic. (I've not seen one before so nothing to go on)

Although on first glance it seems religious.
I think this particular one is a skit, an exposé, of religion of what it can and does do, namely, hypnotizes.

I've no axe to grind regarding religion.

It can bring comfort to some and, a good living to others.

So, that's what I think.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Rew! :)

[Ada]

I don't believe in being flawed from birth or the concept of original sin but your piece suggests that redemption is possible. Nice

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Ada! :)

[writergurl]

Wow, This is so profound and so well written.
So well intriguing as well, I have my spin on religion as well.
Thought about writing it, but can't get myself to.
This is wonderful

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading! :)

[M. J. Smith]

Hoo! And I thought I had a some critical ideas! My brother, you and will never be simple sheep! Of course, if their were more of us... Well spoken, I say, well spoken!

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading! :)

[M. J. Smith]

You're welcome

[Cherrie Palmer]

Oh, I haven't written one of these in a long time. You've inspired me. This is on today's to-do list.
Great poem by the way.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Cherrie! :)

[William Michael Reeves]

Truths so vague allowing the answers to twist distortions into truths. Give it up to a god who can't really give.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, William! :)
Have you written a pantoum?

[William Michael Reeves]

You stumped me on that one. I'll search it. Pantoum?

[mattavelli]

"PANTOUM
A poem in a fixed form, consisting of a varying number of four-line stanzas with lines rhyming alternately; the second and fourth lines of each stanza are repeated to form the first and third lines of the succeeding stanza, with the first and third lines of the first stanza forming the second and fourth of the last stanza, but in reverse order, so that the opening and closing lines of the poem are identical."

[William Michael Reeves]

I think some of my stuff is close to that but it would be coincidental. I live for poetic structure. Even if it's no structure. I have three I'm writing now. Two of them are still at a point I could use that. You ROCK!! Thanks for giving me even more to think about. Jeeeez!

[mattavelli]

These are fun to write. The first time I read one, I didn't like the repetition. Then I wrote one, and felt the same way about mine, but they grew on me. I enjoy poetry too. I mainly write in loose iambic tetrameter, with fun rhyming patterns. Have you tried writing metered lines?

[William Michael Reeves]

If you mean strict syllable counts my best one for that is 'The Thought'. Except for one line I changed because I considered the person who inspired the poem a 'forever being' and did a piece of art I wrote the poem over. A sketched hyper realistic eye and tear drop. As you may have noticed I am all about rhythm and meter. Except when I'm not. I like to loosely quote Robert Frost, 'poetry without rhyme is like tennis without a net.' I'm anxious to get back to your stuff and everybody else. It's a little overwhelming.

[mattavelli]

By metered lines, I mean patterns of hard and soft syllables repeated down the lines of a poem, providing a rhythm for the reader. I find your writing to be energetic and passionate.

[William Michael Reeves]

I see what you're talking about. I think that happens unconsciously sometimes. I like your ideas. I'm going to have to be more conscious of what exactly my form is. I just kind of make it up in the first stanza, then replicate. I hope you like the haiku I wrote for you. And don't mind that I devoted a poem to you.

[mattavelli]

Ooh, I'll check those out. :)
I think you should write a pantoum. They can be fun puzzles to write.

[William Michael Reeves]

Wow! I was just thinking about turning this one idea into a Pentoum and then I read that. I'm on it!

[mattavelli]

Awesome! I'll watch for the post. :)

[Betty Hermelee]

This is a form I am not familiar with. From what I read you are trying to trick the mind with foolery that someone will believe; and the repetition just proves it; we humans are all flawed, but not from birth; that is for the gullible; and I don't believe for once that worship would cleanse my soul, or anybody else's for that matter; but I think I get the point, even though I'm not gullible enough to accept it.
Well written Mat.. even though it it above my head!
Best, B

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Betty! :)
Its satire, a poke at christianity. The whole religion seems like blackmail to me.

[Betty Hermelee]

Me too, and you’re very welcome mat!
Best
B.