comrade

you rode off and never paused to say a thing to me ,i never came to grips
if there's one thing out here you'll remember it's  how to forget
so i will just keep circling the drain while you circle the wagons
and i will just sit here and pretend that nothing is gonna call your soul again

hit the door one last time
double over with a cry 
cut me short when i say the things that no one else will say
you fled yes you did, you couldn't keep a lid on things
we wont have to wait and see what tomorrow brings

all you're gonna end up with is old loneliness in your last hour
that's the way its suppose to be i guess
far out on the frontier, wild and reckless 

so you go and tell em all your comrade's fate
(too late to save)
seems there was a problem taking the pain
be he never had a problem with his aim

I've seen so many things that i can't say

i just wanted you to know that i'm ok

i'm ok enough

i'm ok, enough

ok

Reviews

[Alessander]

"so i will just keep circling the drain while you circle the wagons"

Really like this line because I think it captures the two figures.

The other person feels like a tumbling weed, or rambling man, while the speaker seems to yearn for perhaps more stability, projects vengence that's it's not his/her nature 'old loneliness' then in some ways, grudingly accepts the situation 'the way it's suppose to be, I guess"

It all feels very western fatalistic, which always has a slight tone of violence, loneliness, and stoic acceptance.

The one HUGE suggestion I would make is changing the "comrade" to "partner" to gel more with the western motif.

(wagons, frontier, aim).

Personally, when I think comrade, I think russia, ussr, etc

Partner might work better here.

Just a thought.

Either way, dug it.

Feels kinda like a cowboy poem

[mercy party]

well thank you for really zeroing in on this. i actually will take the suggestion into consideration. you make a really key point.
just a counter thought to bounce off you? what if it was called Conrad? like as in the cowboy's name? thoughts??

[Alessander]

If you think 'partner' too campy, I think Conrad can definitely work., though in the poem itself "comrade's fate" might work better with partner, but that's up to you.

Either way, I think it would go better with the western/cowboy theme than comrade.

You can save comrade for a war or russian poem lol

[mercy party]

i like it partner. gonna change it! thank you

[Octavia]

(too late to save)
seems there was a problem taking the pain

These were my favorite lines. I had a little trouble envisioning the situation you were trying to describe in the first stanza. I got a good image of the wagons circling, reinforcing the circular image of the drain, but I kept trying to figure out what might have happened to make this person forget... or want to forget?

I did feel the gut punch of "doubling over with a cry." I really like the lines that paint such a vivid picture.

The flow was pretty nice, too. It didn't feel forced anywhere. I read it twice and it sounded nice and lyrical in my head both times.

Nice work!

[mercy party]

i guess it's about being alone, forgetting why and then just vanishing.
i sure do appreciate such a great review and the time spent. Thank you!

[Ana Papaya]

Such a strong piece of writing. It breathes fire, hurt, disgust and those ugly things you spray when betrayed and you throw it in their face after you've survived the blow.

[mercy party]

Thank you for the wicked cool take on this. I always appreciate it.

[Poetic License]

Damn, this made me sit up a little straighter, then I had to read and re-read it five or six times to finally absorb the full impact. This is one of those "the hits just keep on coming" poems. It mimics abondonment and loss perfectly. Just as one hit recedes and I looked for a gentler ending, the hit came and I lost my breath all over again. The truth in this piece is so raw, so intense that I can taste it. It's that sour bile taste that you can never quite rinse out of your mouth. You really prefer not to have a second helping, but you cannot help but return to it because ....well, it's the truth. It hurts, but it's honest. It sucks, but it's reality. You, my friend, never sugar coat the truth and this is a perfect writing to reflect that.

"so i will just keep circling the drain while you circle the wagons"

I don't think I have read such perfect, poignant imagery in a very long time. I can see it - a broken, stilted heart literally circling the drain, hanging on the rim just long enough to be able to see the other gathering support around, even as you are letting go and slipping over the edge without so much as a single hand reaching to pull you back. Man, I have to tell you, I could go on and on with this piece.

Absolute showcase of your talent and ability to touch on the "sore" spots we all share.

Very, very, very well done. Huge fan of this piece. This one is headed to my favorites, as well.

[mercy party]

I cant begin to thank you enough for this review. Thank you, it means so much to me that you dug into this poem and took time with it. I'm absolutely floored and flattered! Thank you. Thank you!!

[Poetic License]

You are most welcome. Your pieces always....well always seems to leave me in pieces! Your depth astounds me.

[JessyJacob]

hit the door one last time,

why not, surely there will be last time, for humans, after all humans, no more than Love.

[MaximumFlight]

There's so much symbolism. It's a great poem. So many lesson in words the few will understand when you watch part of your world be taken from you. Great job.

[mercy party]

it is nice to have it be understood in that sense, thank you for your words.

[Bala Gorthi]

Yes, Mercyparty I have seen people who flee without words, without memories and leaving behind them a loving people broken hearted.No words reach them.
Your poem describes them clearly. That yell of emotion clearly heard.Thank you for sharing.

[mercy party]

Thank you Bala! glad it was clear. much appreciated.

[Ruth]

Nice turn around. The emotions are visceral within this and the situation palpable, really enjoyed :)

[mercy party]

Thank you Poppy. : )

[Giulia King]

Sooo gooood :) Lovely job on this one !

[mercy party]

Thank you Gullia!

[mercy party]

...i was hoping to read one of yours, do have something in the works??

[Giulia King]

Yes, I'm working on something now 😊 I will post it later today I hope

[Coyote Poetry]

A interesting tale written. You create powerful story line in the poem and you led reader to the logical ending. All truth find daylight. Sooner than later. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[mercy party]

thanks for that!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.