Moe's Diner

It's a short story about an ordinary girl named Janet strumbling into a very strange diner and what comes of a seemingly innocent visit. PLZ read!

 

 

 

I, Janet Dorothy, have a confession. ' I am absolutely horrified!'

 

     This so called “diner” which I have stepped foot in is the absolute filthiest place, I have had the displeasure of even imagining, let alone actually inhabiting!

 

     

 

 Yet, I still try to be a positive person when it is at all possible.  “ Maybe the food is really amazing here. There must be at least a single redeeming quality to this disaster of a restaurant.”  I think to myself possibly to optimistically.

 

     With this single, strangling hope in mind I wave over the waitress enthusiastically. She practically slivers over to my table and wheezes out “ I'm Maryanne”.  She insisted on acting like we were long-lost sister.  Perhaps she thinks we are! I wouldn't bet a penny on this waitress's sanity.

 

    By the time she's left my table, to take my order to the cook and owner Moe, my table was covered in the black grease that covered every inch of her limp hair.

 

    Finally none of these, nuts people, are talking to me.  The only sound in all of Moe's Diner is the drone-like sizzle of the stove. And als0 a couple love-struck hillbillies wearing blue and pink overalls cooing over each other, on the opposite side of the diner.

 

     I’m almost completely relaxed when A disgusting cockroach scampers up my leg and I tremble in disgust and horror while I desperately try to shake it off.

 

    “ BANG!” My neck snaps up, as it echoes through the diner, so fast a get a bit of whiplash. With my heart hammering against my breast, like a judge's mallet, I spot Moe.

 

     He was dragging his pasty, hunched corpse inch by inch closer to my table. I’m absolutely incredulous. 'Why in the world would the owner bring me my food instead of the waitress?'

 

     With a crash and a clutter he brings the tray of food and dishes abruptly down on the table. He raises his wrinkle-less bald head and beams me a smile putrid enough to spoil cheese. I'm left staring shocked and speechless. “ Young lady, I haven't seen one of your kind around this here lonely diner in eons!” He rasped out in his shaky dulcet tone followed by an eerie cackle.

 

      “I have a … proposition for you Janet”

“ wait just one second! How in the world do you know my name?” I gasp out shakily in fear. He continued on in his vile voice as if I hadn't spoken at all “ I will give you this meal free and my diner for only an additional 200 bucks. All you need say is , 'I accept'.”

 

     As he finished speaking my astonishment grew to levels I’d never felt before, in my before now, rather tame life. A force, I don't know, took hold of my body. With a feeling of absolute wrongness my lips moved of their own accord and I whispered “ I accept”.

 

   Once these uttered words left my lips I knew instantly they could never be taken back. Lights of blue, red and green exploded from where Moe once stood as soon as the words left me. In that moment he was gone.

 

    Not even a wind was left only his quickly dissipating maniacal laughter, his employees donning infuriatingly sarcastic, knowing looks, and a very confused me in his wake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

I will continue this story only if I get good enough feedback to do so.

Reviews

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I get the feeling that Moe has been waiting eons for a real living person to come into his diner. I wonder what will happen to Janet now that she is irrevocably the new owner. My curiosity is tickled...very eerie, indeed.
I do have to say that I think it would be easier to read if it the paragraphs were indented, and the dialogue separated out. Just my take. I think it is an interesting beginning, and if you write more on it I would be interested

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

I don't normally write stories as you could probally tell from my number of poems and to tell the truth I'm going in blind when it comes to all the dialogue let alone formating. I'll try to male it better though I'm just pretty clueless though honestly

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

You did a good job, but if you will go in and indent the first sentence of each paragraph that will make them distinct. As for dialogue, start a new paragraph with each person speaking it. Then, when you return to the regular paragraph, indent again and go on. Hope this helps.

[Shaylynn H.]

For the sake of honest criticism I found it to be forced. I find the style of writing seems to go forward without dragging me into actually caring about the character. The opening of the story, in my opinion, needs to make the reader actually care about what's going to happen to the characters involved. Such as when you start off with an action scene, but no one cares about who might be shot. You don't know these people yet so it's much like watching a news story for a country far away.

I don't know specifically what you're trying to give to an audience. Not all works of fiction are meant to be likable, and if that's where you're heading with this - it failed for me.

I find your descriptive a little messy. Sure, there's a lot of it but it really just bogs down the story and makes me feel like a drone as I read on.

Then there were the ways in which the diner seemed stereo-typically bad. I get the scene you're trying to play out, but I guess I would have liked something more original?

Also, the dialogue in my eyes wasn't believable.

All things considered though, I've read worse, and I've been reading since I was 5.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

well you are wlecome to yuor opinion even if I don't personally agree with it. in my only defence though, this was written in one class period three years ago ..... oh! and it was meant to be cliche I was trying to represent how normal stereotypical days can go awry into madness but again everyone has their taste , I'm not going to have your dislike of my own affect me anymore than a dustmite floating across my face would.

[M Garcia]

Could be interesting if you continued. I this this was really good.

[Emily Dickinson Jr.]

Thanx SM

[C.A. Lucas]

Well... what can I say about this? I like you vocab and similies but the layout was atrocious and I don't really think it meets all of my requirements for the contest. Very imaginative but badly written... i'm sorry it's the truth