The drowning sun

The drowning sun

A Poem by Mr.Writer
"

The drowning sun...

"
I'm lost in the beauty 
of the drowning sun

my eyes, steady to the horizon
watching the sun cast it's golden rays
upon the clouds

as it leaves its bleeding marks in the sky
and begins to descend 
into the ocean

the colors changing fast
as the drowning sun
soon disappears

its warmth fading
leaving a cold feeling
within me

















© 2017 Mr.Writer



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Such elegant emotion. A feeling of calm and yet a little sad. Nice poem. It really is a swell poem. Maybe i should start getting into doing some poetry. Stuff like this might do me some good. Letting out what it is that i feel deep inside. It'd be a rather good read. Wouldn't you think? Keep up the good poetry. there might be something deeper coming from you yet. Wouldn't you figure? It's always good to read a nice made poem. Always uplifting. Never a drag. Poems like these... i'd read anytime.

Posted 2 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mr.Writer

2 Months Ago

Poetry indeed lets us pour out what we're feeling inside of us, maybe like something really deep as .. read more



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SSR
Beautiful sun leaving behind bleeding marks and cold feeling....

Like every other beautiful thing.

Nicely penned

Posted 4 Weeks Ago


Mr.Writer

4 Weeks Ago

Thank you SSR! :))
Although this is a beautiful poem, at face value, it can also be rather a good metaphor for the ending of anything that has been valued. But it is important to get those cold toes warmed up again.

Posted 1 Month Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Month Ago

I agree with you!
Thank you so much!
According to the ancient myths, the Sun was put in a chariot and everyday God Helios would drive the chariot all along the sky. That is how the Sun would rise and set. However, I found your interpretation just as uniquely effective in stimulating the imagination.

Posted 1 Month Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Month Ago

Ohh, that's cool to know!
Thank you so much Phill :)

Very serene feelings, with the final touch of melancholia. Many things can happen between the birth and death of a day...Beautifully done :)

Posted 1 Month Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Month Ago

Thank you so much Ana! :)
I was lost within the beauty of this... Ethereal, haunting... Drowning, crowning... A crown of fire or ice... Wonderfully penned...

Posted 1 Month Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Month Ago

Thank you so much Silente!! :)
Silente

1 Month Ago

You are so muchly welcome
Great imagery! It seems truly magical. Really very nice. Relaxing and calm :)

Posted 2 Months Ago


Mr.Writer

2 Months Ago

Thank you Sofia! :)
Sunsets of all kinds are magical but when they set behind the ocean they are gloriou, leaving us a bit saddened when the show is over.

Posted 2 Months Ago


Mr.Writer

2 Months Ago

I agree, they indeed are glorious on the ocean!
Thank you Poetic! :)
Seems you live in beach....

Posted 2 Months Ago


Mr.Writer

2 Months Ago

Haha, I actually don't :p
writ rajat

2 Months Ago

Ok............
Grammar corrections/optional edits:

I am lost in the beauty
of the drowning sun.

My eyes, steady to the horizon,
watching the sun cast its golden rays
upon the clouds,

as it leaves its bleeding marks in the sky
and begins to descend
into the ocean,

the colors changing fast,
as the drowning sun
soon disappears,

its warmth fading,
leaving a cold feeling
within me.

Comments:

Okay, off of the grammar section above, "it's" is the contraction for "it is." You're looking to use "its", meaning it possesses. Also, your first two lines are nice. However, what follows is one large, run-on, incomplete sentence. You need to fix that.

Within this long, incomplete sentence, you create some very nice imagery. "Drowning sun" is a particularly beautiful touch. However, in certain places, you leave things too quickly. For instance, "into the ocean." The ocean is nice and all, but the reader wants to know what the ocean is like in the scene. Is it calm? Is it wild? Who knows ¯_(ツ)_/¯
The same applies to "the colors changing fast." Earlier in the poem, you only cite one color: gold. So, if there are multiple colors changing, you need to describe them. Is there red? I still don't know.

So, other than that, you've got a very nice piece here. You just need to tweak it a little. Good job :)

Posted 2 Months Ago


Mr.Writer

2 Months Ago

Thank you so much Ethan for the review and feedback! :)
This actually really helps and I rlly.. read more

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Added on July 14, 2017
Last Updated on July 17, 2017

Author

Mr.Writer
Mr.Writer

Toronto, Ontario, Canada



About
First of all... I love to write! It has always been my passion to write since... last year! :D I can easily pour my emotions in writing without telling them to anyone. I love to review people's work.. more..

Writing

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