The drowning sun

The drowning sun

A Poem by Mr.Writer
"

The drowning sun...

"
I'm lost in the beauty 
of the drowning sun

my eyes, steady to the horizon
watching the sun cast it's golden rays
upon the clouds

as it leaves its bleeding marks in the sky
and begins to descend 
into the ocean

the colors changing fast
as the drowning sun
soon disappears

its warmth fading
leaving a cold feeling
within me

















© 2017 Mr.Writer



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Featured Review

Such elegant emotion. A feeling of calm and yet a little sad. Nice poem. It really is a swell poem. Maybe i should start getting into doing some poetry. Stuff like this might do me some good. Letting out what it is that i feel deep inside. It'd be a rather good read. Wouldn't you think? Keep up the good poetry. there might be something deeper coming from you yet. Wouldn't you figure? It's always good to read a nice made poem. Always uplifting. Never a drag. Poems like these... i'd read anytime.

Posted 1 Week Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mr.Writer

1 Week Ago

Poetry indeed lets us pour out what we're feeling inside of us, maybe like something really deep as .. read more



Reviews

Anyone who joins Silente and his little SJW bully clan will get the same treatment. You will get the same treatment.

Posted 4 Hours Ago


I was lost within the beauty of this... Ethereal, haunting... Drowning, crowning... A crown of fire or ice... Wonderfully penned...

Posted 1 Day Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Day Ago

Thank you so much Silente!! :)
Silente

1 Day Ago

You are so muchly welcome
Great imagery! It seems truly magical. Really very nice. Relaxing and calm :)

Posted 5 Days Ago


Mr.Writer

4 Days Ago

Thank you Sofia! :)
Sunsets of all kinds are magical but when they set behind the ocean they are gloriou, leaving us a bit saddened when the show is over.

Posted 1 Week Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Week Ago

I agree, they indeed are glorious on the ocean!
Thank you Poetic! :)
Seems you live in beach....

Posted 1 Week Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Week Ago

Haha, I actually don't :p
writ rajat

1 Week Ago

Ok............
Grammar corrections/optional edits:

I am lost in the beauty
of the drowning sun.

My eyes, steady to the horizon,
watching the sun cast its golden rays
upon the clouds,

as it leaves its bleeding marks in the sky
and begins to descend
into the ocean,

the colors changing fast,
as the drowning sun
soon disappears,

its warmth fading,
leaving a cold feeling
within me.

Comments:

Okay, off of the grammar section above, "it's" is the contraction for "it is." You're looking to use "its", meaning it possesses. Also, your first two lines are nice. However, what follows is one large, run-on, incomplete sentence. You need to fix that.

Within this long, incomplete sentence, you create some very nice imagery. "Drowning sun" is a particularly beautiful touch. However, in certain places, you leave things too quickly. For instance, "into the ocean." The ocean is nice and all, but the reader wants to know what the ocean is like in the scene. Is it calm? Is it wild? Who knows ¯_(ツ)_/¯
The same applies to "the colors changing fast." Earlier in the poem, you only cite one color: gold. So, if there are multiple colors changing, you need to describe them. Is there red? I still don't know.

So, other than that, you've got a very nice piece here. You just need to tweak it a little. Good job :)

Posted 1 Week Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Week Ago

Thank you so much Ethan for the review and feedback! :)
This actually really helps and I rlly.. read more
Nice description. The image is clear and the feeling of coldness could be compared to someone close leaving. :)

Posted 1 Week Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Week Ago

Thank you Relic! :)
The drowning sun...how beautiful is that scene and you described it very well.
wonderful poem.

Posted 1 Week Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Week Ago

Thank you Priyanshi! :)
Priyanshi

1 Week Ago

My pleasure.
The way you described is great.
Slow yet steady rhythm really worked.
Loved this poem!

Posted 1 Week Ago


Mr.Writer

1 Week Ago

Thank you Neetha! :)
Wow. No words to tell how perfectly the beauty of sunset is captured. This is flawless...

Posted 1 Week Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mr.Writer

1 Week Ago

Thank you Najam! :)
Najam Us Saher

1 Week Ago

It was really a pleasure reading this one. ☺
Mr.Writer

1 Week Ago

I'm rlly glad you enjoyed! :)

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Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on July 14, 2017
Last Updated on July 17, 2017

Author

Mr.Writer
Mr.Writer

Toronto, Ontario, Canada



About
First of all... I love to write! It has always been my passion to write since... last year! :D I can easily pour my emotions in writing without telling them to anyone. I love to review people's work.. more..

Writing
But when? But when?

A Poem by Mr.Writer


Why? Why?

A Poem by Mr.Writer



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