Carl Shoes & His Magic Problems

This is an absurd adult fairy tale.

It is an old, run-down, debris covered region on an unknown multi-dimensional planet of lightning and rainbows. Time has stopped, rubber duckies, slinkies, and other miscellaneous items float throughout the skyline. Mushroom-topped trees with rocks at their cold, grounded roots are surround by nothingness. The land is abandoned and unnerving. It is shadowy, dreary, cloudy, and there is a thick heavy fog surrounding the trees.

 

SCENE ONE

 

                             LIGHTS UP ON CARL SHOES

[CARL SHOES is sitting at the stump of a tree with a bottle of vodka]

CARL SHOES

I hate my life!
I can’t do anything right!
I have all my spells memorized, but no, I can’t seem to get them freaking right.

I’m just an old hag stuck in a stupid dwarf’s body because I’m a stupid idiot who had to go and fool around with a spell.

And to top it all off, I am all alone.

Quite pathetic if I do say so myself.

[CARL Takes a big swig of vodka]

I mean really, even if I did find myself a friend why would they ever want to stay here with me?

[CARL Takes another swig of vodka]

Look at me, blabbing away to myself drinking a bottle of vodka to soak away my troubles.

I am a f*****g mess.

Now tell me, what is my point on this cruel planet? Huh?

What is my reason for being here?!

[Takes another swig of vodka]

All I have wanted in my 89 years of life is some company… that is all! Damn it!

I just want one, ONE god-for-saken thing in my life to work out.

No more spells gone wrong!

Is that too much to ask?

I sure as hell don’t think so!

[Takes another swig, he starts to have a drunken slur in his voice]

I just want a buddy. Ya know?

Someone that I can share a place with.

Someone I can live my life with.

But… hey can’t make that happen out of nowhere.

I mean I could make it happen, I guess.

     [BEAT]

No, what am I saying I can’t make someone appear out of thin air, I am not that nifty with my magic.

[Takes another swig of vodka]

I mean seriously, I am just some old hag

I don’t know what to do with my life…

[LONG BEAT]

Damn I am starting to get the rumbles in my belly…hmm…

[CARL SHOES looks over and sees a mushroom]

Oh, that mushroom looks quite delightful.

[CARL eats the brightly colored mushroom and takes another drink of vodka. With his mouth full and still slurring his words]

What if I did, someway find a friend?
What if I did, somehow learn to control my magic?

 [LONG BEAT]

I think I got an idea!
I should try to make myself a friend…

I mean what the hell do I have to lose?

[CARL Starts chanting and dancing around drunk]

Shoe-be-de-doo-boo-boo. Stinky-winky-doo. Piddle-pie-foo-mushroom-mushroom-vodka-bears-sleeping-women-and-evil-glares.

                             [A small bean appears]

I am a f*****g failure!

[CARL picks the bean up and puts it under his hat]

See world! I can do nothing right!

I am a f**k-up!

I am the world’s dumbest magic-bearing creature to ever exist!

I just made a freaking bean out of a spell that should have made me a companion.

But no, I suck!

I’m a failure!

I’m a nothing.

[CARL starts acting weird and tripping off the mushroom he ate. He then sees a rather large, pink cricket walk by with a suitcase (entering stage right)]

CARL SHOES

Where you going ya old bloke?

THE CRICKET

What is it to you ya old, drunken, hag!

CARL SHOES

Oh nothing, I just want to chit chat. That is all and nothing more.

THE CRICKET

Well, well, well, I guess I have time for a one-to-one before I go to catch my train to the 9^th dimension.

CARL SHOES

Why are you leaving?

THE CRICKET

Why am I leaving? WHY AM I LEAVING? I mean surely, look at this place, it is a disaster. Some freak cast some sort of spell and screwed the entire place up. Some idiot he was.

 

CARL SHOES

I hate to break it to you, but that “idiot” was me!

THE CRICKET

Mother F****r!

CARL SHOES

What is with that horrific language?

THE CRICKET

You’re the rotten freak of nature who ruined my house the next dimension over!

CARL SHOES

Oh I am sorry, but I really don’t give a flying s**t.

THE CRICKET

You don’t care? You killed my family and forced me to move and now you are telling me that you don’t care? I had a wife and 3 larvae for Christ sake. What kind of creature are you! Wait, I know! You are a worthless piece of trash, and that is all you’ll ever be!

CARL SHOES

You think you’re the only one affected by my magic? Well you are wrong! I turned myself into a stinking Dwarf!

THE CRICKET

Oh POO POO! You think that is so terrible? At least your life wasn’t ruined!

CARL SHOES

WHAT THE HELL!? Yes it was! You heartless b*****d! You know what it’s like to be a dwarf with little knobby knees? I look like a bearded stump!

THE CRICKET

Ohhh! So you mean I’m not talking to a bearded stump?

CARL SHOES

No, you a*****e, you’re not!

THE CRICKET

Me? The a*****e? How’s that possible when your head is so close to your own anus!

CARL SHOES

OH YOU JUST DIDN’T SAY THAT, YOU B*****D!

THE CRICKET

Yes I did, now live with it you old hag.

CARL SHOES

Live with it? Bahahah. No! I shall now make you pay!

THE CRICKET

How the hell do you plan on doing that? You can’t even control your magic enough so you don’t destroy half your f*****g dimension! How are you going to make me pay? You are not almighty enough to do that!

CARL SHOES

Just watch me!

[CARL starts chanting a short spell at the large pink cricket]

Clippity-cloppity-drippty-droppity!

[CARL creates a deep pool of water and the cricket starts to drown]

THE CRICKET

HELP HELP! NO! DON’T DO THIS TO ME!

CARL SHOES

Wait, what’s that I hear? I am not almighty enough you say!?

THE CRICKET

YOU ARE, YOU ARE, JUST SAVE ME!

CARL SHOES

I am what?

THE CRICKET

YOU ARE THE ALMIGHTY!

CARL SHOES

The almighty what?

THE CRICKET

YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOUR NAME, JUST FORGIVE ME AND LET ME GO! I CAN’T SWIM MUCH LONGER! I AM JUST A MEASLY CRICKET!

CARL SHOES

CARL SHOES! The name’s CARL SHOES!

THE CRICKS

Alright! You are almighty; you are the almighty Carl Shoes! Now let me live! Please! I am pleading you!

CARL SHOES

Scooby-doopie-mookie-dee!

                                       [The water is gone]

THE CRICKET

Hallelujah! Praise the lord!

[THE CRICKET grabs his suitcase]

Now I am out of here, for good!

CARL SHOES

Hey before you go, what is your name? I don’t recall you telling me.

THE CRICKET

I didn’t, but my name is Jim. What’s it to ya?

CARL SHOES

As in Jiminy Cricket…?

THE CRICKET

THE F**K YOU CALL ME!?

CARL SHOES

Nothing…bye-bye!

[THE CRICKET leaves (stage left) with his]

Damn it, I did it again, I took the one chance I had to make a friend and blew it. Blew it to smithereens just as I always do…great…just f*****g great…

[CARL SHOES then falls off into a deeper drunken, delusional state where he falls asleep under a tree with the bean still under his hat.]

 

SCENE 2

 

[A light shines onto the bean very brightly, and then a young lady (RAPUNZEL) in her mid-teens appears. She is not alarmed just slightly confused but she just goes with the flow of whatever just happened.]

 

CARL SHOES

[Wakes up under RAPUNZEL’S matted hair]

Whoa, who the hell are you?

RAPUNZEL

Ahh!! Who are you?

CARL SHOES

I am CARL SHOES an all mighty gnome…I mean dwarf. Well I was once a gnome…but now…

RAPUNZEL

But now what?

CARL SHOES

Well I am magical…, I set this spell, and it went terribly, terribly wrong turning me into an ugly, smelly, beaten down dwarf! Now tell me, who the hell are you?

RAPUNZEL

Well that’s unfortunate. I’m RAPUNZEL.

CARL SHOES

Well hidey-ho there Rapunzel. Now tell me young lady, how the hell did I end up under your hair? Wait, don’t tell me, another spell of mine gone terribly wrong! Am I right, or am I right?

RAPUNZEL

Well I suppose it must have been one of your spells ‘cuz I don’t know how you got here. I don’t even know how I got here.

CARL SHOES

Well, I must be getting home now so I can return myself to my once gnome-ie state. But, I need your help.

RAPUNZEL

I can help; I mean I don’t have anyone here anyways. I am orphaned with no home, no family, nobody, nothing at all.

CARL SHOES

Well ok then! Zippdy-zappidy-zop-moply-doply-dop!

[Accidently turns RAPUNZEL into a sheep]

Oh s**t, that is not what I intended to do!

RAPUNZEL

[Angrily] Change me bahhhhck right now!

CARL SHOES

OK…OK…give me a minuet. Uhh…

RAPUNZEL

“Uhh” what? Can’t you change me baaaaahk you baaaahsket case?

CARL SHOES

OF COURSE I CAN! I AM THE ALLMIGHTY CARL SHOES! I can do anything!

RAPUNZEL

So change me baaaaahck, Mister “Almighty!”

CARL SHOES

OK OK! Jesus Christ

[Carl starts to make weird hand motions around RAPUNZEL]

hippity-hoppity-zippity-zlopply-higly-dingly-dong!

[The lights flicker but nothing happens]

RAPUNZEL

Well, so much for being almighty!

CARL SHOES

Give me a second, woman! I got this!

[CARL makes more odd hand motions around RAPUNZEL]

 Bizzy-wizzy-pizzy-pie-doodle-pop-pop-pop!

`                            [RAPUNZEL has been turned into a frog]

There you go, as good as new! I told you I was the almighty CARL SHOES!!

RAPUNZEL

Are you kidding me, good as new? Pathetic. You are not almighty by any means. Ribbit

CARL SHOES

What do you mean…oh must have messed up somewhere…umm… well good-day!

RAPUNZEL

Wait, you’re just going to leave me here like this. Jerk!

CARL SHOES

Well, I guess not… I guess I will give it another try. SKIPPTY-DIPPITY-DROPPITY-DO! CALAMAZOO! AND TIMBUCK-TOO!

[The lights flicker and a tidal wave (blue lights in the back) emerge from nowhere]

OH S**T! Zippty-zappity-zop! STOP! STOP! STOP!

[They fly high up into a mushroom topped tree]

Well that was close…

 

RAPUNZEL

YEAH IT WAS! Now, how we going to get down from here, genius?

 [CARL ponders for a moment]

I GOT IT! Your hair! We can use your hair as a makeshift ladder and then climb down it!

RAPUNZEL

Well…that will work for you…

CARL SHOES

Once I get down there I will make you a soft landing so you can jump…just watch me!

[Without permission, CARL SHOES starts tying RAPUNZEL’s hair to a tree branch]

RAPUNZEL

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, that surely does hurt.

CARL SHOES

Ooops Sorry, I guess I don’t know my own strength at this age.

[CARL SHOES continues to tie her hair to the tree branch, and then climbs down it slowly.]

RAPUNZEL

HOLD ON! How am I supposed to untie my hair once you are down?

CARL SHOES

Bend over and use your hands! DUH!

[CARL SHOES reaches the bottom of the tree and starts to say some magic words to the ground]

Squishidy-squashidy-bouncy-trouncy-boo!

[A trampoline appears beneath the tree and RAPUNZEL unties her hair and jumps down on to the trampoline.]

CARL SHOES

There we go, perfect! What a wonderful day this is turning out to be!

RAPUNZEL

[Sarcastically] Oh, yes so wonderful

CARL SHOES

Well, Good-day!

RAPUNZEL

Wait! You still have to change me back!

CARL SHOES

Oh yeah, I guess my old brain has got the best of me. I am a forgetful old gnome… I mean dwarf… ok let me see…hmmm

[CARL SHOES ponders for a moment, twiddling his thumbs humming a little tune.]

RAPUNZEL

Soo… are you going to change me back or not?

CARL SHOES

So you mean it’s an choice, I don’t have to change you back? Hmmm…?

RAPUNZEL

No, no, you are most certainly changing me back.

CARL SHOES

OK OK no need to give me sass!

[CARL SHOES looks back s toes…twiddles his thumbs some more…]

WAIT WAIT WAIT! I GOT IT!

RAPUNZEL

Well, what is it then?

CARL SHOES

I AM GOING TO CHANGE YOU BACK!

[CARL SHOES begins to make odd hand movements around RAPUNZEL’s body chanting a long spell]

Hibbity-dibbity-dob- you shall not be a frog, the frog will seize and this girl shall have human-like knees and live a life of a girl.

[RAPUNZEL is then turned back into a girl, but now her hair is, shoulder length.]

THERE WE GO! BETTER THAN EVER! YOU LOOK FABULOUS! Who knew an old hag like me could do such wonders to beauty!

RAPUNZEL

My hair? What happened to my hair!?

CARL SHOES

Well…it is short…shoulder length now… it is fabulous and you look fantastic! What…don’t you like it?

RAPUNZEL

Well it is just my hair; it has always been, well, so long…

CARL SHOES

Well, now it is not! So yeah…

RAPUNZEL

Well I suppose it’s better than being a frog or a sheep!

CARL SHOES

That’s the spirit. Unless you want me to try to change it back?

RAPUNZEL

No no, that’s ok, I will just keep it! I don’t want to risk being changed into to some other strange animal! Ya know?

CARL SHOES

[Sadly]Ok, ok if you are sure. Well I guess I will be leaving now. See you around… sometime… or never… who knows… we are alone and cold living a life in this heavy fog never knowing if we can find companionship, never finding a friend or a family…well…good-day young lady. Good-day!

RAPUNZEL

Wait! Where are you going?

CARL SHOES

Who knows and who cares? I am an old gnome stuck in a dwarf’s body. Why do I care? Why do you care?

RAPUNZEL

I don’t know, but if you need a companion or a friend then umm… yeah.

CARL SHOES

You want to be friends with an old hag like myself? I smell like an old musty cellar! I am a gnome stuck in a Dwarf’s body for Pete’s sake!

RAPUNZEL

Well, sure why not?

CARL SHOES

Because, I turned you into a sheep, then a frog with long hair, and then I used your hair to make a ladder, then I made you jump out of a tree. All of this just to get me back to a home I don’t even have! Oh, and I am a selfish old hag, must I go on?

RAPUNZEL

Yeah that did suck, but I mean it was an adventure!

CARL SHOES

Well, I never looked at it that way.

RAPUNZEL

Exactly, this could be lots fun!

CARL SHOES

Well I think a got a brilliant idea then!

[Starts making hand movements around the air in an empty spot away from the mushroom-topped trees]

Alli-alli-oopadoop-shoop-dewoop-apoof-poof-poof!

[A cozy house lights up on stage right]

RAPUNZEL

Oh wow! What a adorable little house!

CARL SHOES

Why thank you young RAPUNZEL, let’s go inside!

[CARL and RAPUNZEL go e house there is a bed, mirror, table, and chair]

What do you think? Personally, I think I am getting my magic working pretty well! Wouldn’t you say so?

 

RAPUNZEL

Yes, your magic has improved so much!

[RAPUNZEL jumps into the bed]

CARL SHOES

I guess we can call this home?

 

RAPUNZEL

Of course! I have never had a place to call home. Home sweet home it is!!

CARL SHOES

I guess everything works out after all! Other than the fact I am an ugly old dwarf! But hey! I guess I can live with that!

[CARL SHOES pats his floppy hat in the mirror]

RAPUNZEL

Well maybe you can change yourself back…look how far you’ve come!

CARL SHOES

Hmm, Well I guess I can try, what is there left to lose?

[Starts to waves his hands over his body saying some long magic words]

Hibbidy-dibbity-slobby-sloo-slamidy-wammidy-wickidy-woo! Pinny-winny-dinny-day! STOP THIS S**T AND MAKE ME A GNOME TODAY! SHAZAM!

[CARL SHOES’ hat turns pointy again and he is now a gnome again]

[Excited] My big shoes, they are back! My hat, it is pointy and my beard is so fluffy and white! YOU WERE RIGHT! I COULD DO IT!

RAPUNZEL

This is AMAZING! I knew you could do it!

CARL SHOES

Yes! I knew that deep down inside I could! I should have never said “never”! Now look at our beautiful house and wonderful life! We shall live happily ever after!

 

[FADE TO BLACK OUT]

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think!