One Upon a Tentacle

This was a production that I wrote for a 24-hour play festival. If you don't know what that is: It is a festival where the writers have 12 hours to write a play and 12 hours for actors to learn it.

DORIS: is a young woman in her 20’s who had Tourette’s.

OLIVIA: is a young woman in her 20’s who had a tentacle growing out of her backside. She is wearing a dress; she thinks she is a pretty princess.

CHARLIE: is a young man in his 20’s who has an odd fetish where he is interested in plant sex. He wears tie-dye and jeans.

JAMIE: is a young man in his 20’s who had OCD and cares a lot about his appearance and having everything being perfect.

LEROY: is a young man in his 20’s who has schizophrenia and thinks that the government is reading his mind and out to find him.

BRAD: is a young man in his 20’s and he is seemingly ok, but he falls in love with a girl with a tentacle.

 

 

(It is the end of time in Washington DC, a nuclear bomb has destroyed the world, and the six remaining people alive are mentally deranged, have a deformity, or in BRAD’s case are perfectly fine. The cast wakes up spread around the stage in random spots)

 

(Lights up all over stage)

 

JAMIE:(stands up confused) What…what happened?

BRAD:(stands up) What the hell?

DORIS: (stands up) F**K!

LEROY: (stands up) Who the f**k are you people?

CHARLIE: (still lying on the ground)

OLIVIA: (lying on the ground) OH MY GOOD GOSH!

DORIS: CRAP!

LEROY: Are you the government?

JAMIE: (brushing off his clothes and pointing to LEROY) No, who are you?
BRAD: (points to self) I’m Brad.

OLIVIA: (still on the ground acting sexy) I’m Olivia.

CHARLIE: I’m Charlie, but you can call me Frank.
DORIS: What the HELL!
JAMIE: I’m Jamie, wait, Frank? That makes no sense!

LEROY: I guess that leaves me, Well, I’m Leroy.

CHARLIE: Well now that that is out of the way, how the hell did we get here?

BRAD: I have no idea… where is everyone else?

CHARLIE: Everyone else? Who?

BRAD: The people from the party? (pause) Oh never mind!

DORIS: Who the HELL are you talking about?

OLIVIA: What the…? Why is she using this horrific language?

CHARLIE: I don’t know, why do I have odd urges to get funky.

JAMIE: That’s probably just you CHARLIE. I mean look at you! The tie-dye shirt and jeans. It’s all out of order! Nothing matches!

OLIVIA: (finally standing up)

CHARLIE: (pointing to the tentacle on her backside) Damn girl, what’s that?

                                      (Everyone is in shock)

LEROY: You got a little something-something, well… (pause) on your a*s!

OLIVIA: (looks at her back)OH MY GOOD GOLLY GOSH! WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS THIS!

DORIS: It is HELL
JAMIE: Well, it looks like you got a tentacle growing out your backside.

OLIVIA: OH MY GOSH, I LOOK HIDIOUS!

BRAD: I think you look lovely, Miss Olivia.

OLIVIA: Awww thanks, Brad. (Winks at him)

(CHARLIE exits stage LEFT without saying anything)

JAMIE: Where the hell is he going? I must know!

OLIVIA: (looking at BRAD all sexy) I don’t know.

BRAD: (looking back at OLIVIA) Yeah, who cares.

LEROY: So what are we going to do, it looks like it is the end of the world. (whispers) Well the government can’t get me now!

JAMIE: Probably is, and we are the only survivors. Just think about it. We’re the only survivors on Earth.

LEROY: Shut up!

OLIVIA: My butt, what are we going to do about my butt?

BRAD: I think it’s purrty.

JAMIE: (straightening his clothes) Oh shut up!

DORIS: PENIS!

BRAD: Umm… what?

LEROY: She said penis…and I think she has Tourette’s, or maybe she is with the government.

BRAD: I know what she said…and I think you are schizophrenic.

OLIVIA: Who cares about their mental issues, what about this thing growing out of my back?

BRAD: Let’s keep it! I really like it, it brings out your eyes!

LEROY: Oh Jesus Christ.

JAMIE: Let the freaks have their love.

LEROY: But I have seen enough henti to know where this s**t is going!

OLIVIA: What’s henti?

JAMIE: (shrieking) DON’T ASK! REALLY, DON’T ASK!

BRAD: You are nasty, Leroy. A nasty, nasty man!

OLIVIA: WHAT IS HENTI?

BRAD & JAMIE: (shrieking) YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO KNOW!

OLIVIA: Ok, ok, fine, don’t go getting your knickers in a twist!

LEROY: (laughing) You’re just a little virgin, aren’t you?

OLIVIA: Jerk face.

LEROY: You, you think you’re so perfect and sexy, but you’re just a virgin.

BRAD: Shut up, LEROY!

LEROY: Make me!

BRAD: Come at me bro!

LEROY: (lunges at BRAD)you wanna’ take me?

JAMIE: (gets in the middle of the fight) STOP STOP STOP!

BRAD & LEROY: (screaming) WHAT!

DORIS: (twitches)

JAMIE: there is no need to fight; things need to remain under control.

BRAD: But, but, but!

JAMIE: not buts about it, mister!

BRAD: (throws hands up in a fit) fine!

                                  (CHARLIE enters stage RIGHT)

LEROY: Where the f**k did you go? You didn’t tell the government where I was, did you?

CHARLIE: I had to go f**k a potted plant.

OLIVIA: Eww gross!

BRAD: What the hell dude?

CHARLIE: I dunno guys, I just got an odd urge to just stick my dick in the soil of a potted plant and thrust.

OLIVIA: That’s disgusting! You are a pervert!

BRAD: Olivia, please, just forget it, it will all be ok!

LEROY: No, it won’t, she’s got a tentacle sticking out her back and this freak just ejaculated in a potted plant. Not to mention the government is reading our minds!

CHARLIE: Who said anything about ejaculating?

JAMIE: What the hell dude, you’re nasty.

BRAD: (grabbing OLIVIA’s hand) OLIVIA?

OLIVIA: Yes, BRAD?

BRAD: Well…….I….

(I fell in love with a girl by The White Stripes plays as BRAD lip-syncs and dances playing and air guitar.)

 

JAMIE: whoa dude…that was so uncalled for

LEROY: What the hell was that crap?

OLIVIA: I think he said he loves me! Am I right, Brad?

BRAD: Yes, Olivia, I am in love with you!

CHARLIE: Oh and the guy who fucked the potted plant get crap? I mean look at her she has a friggin’ tentacle sticking out of her back and you call me the fucked up one?

OLIVIA: (to BRAD) Oh I’m in love with you too!

BRAD: (moves in to kiss OLIVIA)

(OLIVIA spins around as though the tentacle has taken over her body, she hits BRAD in the face with the tentacle.)

OLIVIA: (screaming) HELP ME! SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!

LEROY: I told you I knew where this s**t was going!

DORIS: Yeah, it’s going straight to hell.

CHARLIE: What the f**k! (pointing to tentacle) It’s alive!

JAMIE: Oh my god! That thing is going to kill us       

(All the lights flicker on and off everyone is running away from the attacking tentacle on the back of OLIVIA while Sabre Dance - Aram Khachaturian plays. OLIVIA is screaming as the tentacle takes over her body and attacks her new friends this goes on for 45 seconds, some of the actors falling to the ground as the music still plays. After that everyone is on the ground once again this time BRAD lying next to OLIVIA)

BRAD: (dying) Olivia?

OLIVIA: Brad?

BRAD: Come closer, Olivia.

OLIVIA: (crawls closer to BRAD) Yes?

BRAD: I…I…I…Love you (dies)

OLIVIA: (screaming) BRAD! BRAD! (shakes him) BRAD! WAKE UP! (she raises her hands to the ceiling and screams) NOOOOOOO!!!

LEROY: Well, that was a close one.

OLIVIA: (sobbing over BRAD’s body)

DORIS: (standing up and then yelling) Oh my God F**K!
JAMIE: What… What happened? (looks over at OLIVIA sobbing over BRAD’s dead body) Is he………dead? That was rather uncalled for!

CHARLIE: Yup, he’s dead.

LEROY: What do we do?

JAMIE: There’s nothing we can do, it’s the end of time, no one can here you scream.

LEROY: That the moon idiot, no one can hear you scream when you’re on the moon!

(CHARLIE goes over to OLIVIA)

CHARLIE: Hey Olivia?

OLIVIA: (sobbing) yeah?

CHARLIE: Wanna get out of here?

OLIVIA: Wait…why?

CHARLIE: You got a beaver, I got a log, let’s make a dam, babe.

OLIVIA: (confused & sniffling) What?

CHARLIE: I’m talking about putting the nozzle in the tank and fillin’ her up!

OLIVIA: (really confused) What? (Slight pause) I don’t get it!

LEROY: he wants your body!

OLIVIA: What? My body?

JAMIE: He wants to have sexual intercourse with you.

OLIVIA: Ewww gross (goes to slap CHARLIE, then stops right before) Oh, what the hell!

(They go off arm in arm exiting stage RIGHT)

LEROY: Well that’s just great…the little princess went off to pop her cherry, won’t last two minutes.

JAMIE: Leroy, you sicken me!

LEROY: What can I say!

JAMIE: I dunno dude, I dunno! (puts arm around LEROY) I think we could be good friends…

LEROY: (nodding his head) you think?

JAMIE: No!

(JAMIE runs off stage LEFT in a perfectly straight line)

LEROY: (looks at DORIS) What the hell, Dude!

DORIS: (Twitching) LIFE’S A B***H!

LEROY: You said it, it’s almost like people think it’s the end of the world or something!

                        (BLACK OUT)

 

(You hear CHARLIE from offstage)

 

CHARLIE: I need you to put this flower on your head…

 

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think, this was the first production I ever had put up.