The Way Up

The Way Up

A man, PETE, and a woman, LISA are sitting at a fold out table with a bunch of worthless kitsch surrounding them. There's a sign on the table that says “PAY HERE” and a metal lockbox. The woman is dressed in whatever is popular that day, and the man is dressed like the opposite. She sips a tall, fruity drink, and he sips a cheap beer.

PETE

None of this crap will sell.

LISA

You keep saying that.

PETE

It's truth.

LISA

You don't know that. You'd be surprised what people will buy. I mean, some of it's pretty cute. Your mother had...taste...I'll give her that.

PETE

Oh, you'll give her that?

LISA

Yeah, I'll give her that.

They sit in silence for a few moments. A man, BILLY, approaches the table, holding a strange useless object that some might consider art.

BILLY

How much?

PETE

Did you look at the tag?

LISA

Ugh, don't be rude, Peter.

PETE

I'm not being rude. It's got a tag on it and he asks me that and come on, it's got a tag.

(PETE crosses his arms and leans back with a huff. BILLY looks at the tag.)

BILLY

Says ten cents.

LISA

Well, a dime and it's yours.

BILLY

No, I didn't want it. I just wanted to know how much it was.

PETE

Well if you didn't want it then who cares how much it is?

LISA

Peter, please.

PETE

But...seriously?

LISA

Stop it. (To BILLY) Oh, well, it's ten cents.

BILLY

Thanks!

Billy leaves.

PETE

How can you be nice to people like that?

LISA

I'm not being nice, I'm just being normal.

PETE

That's not normal. That guy is an idiot. Treat him like an idiot.

LISA

Just stop it, you'll embarrass me.

PETE

Embarrass you? Who cares what these people think?!

LISA

I care.

PETE

Why?

LISA

Because.

PETE

Because because because. You don't even know why.

LISA

If you're going to be like that, just go in the house.

PETE

No. Someone's gotta sell all this crap. My parents die and leave me with a house full of flea market junk. When I went through it all I expected to find love letters between them, or sex toys, or a skeleton, or porn or something. Anything that showed they were people, and not just piles and piles of useless kitsch.

LISA

Don't be so melodramatic. They were old people who did old people stuff.

PETE

They weren't always old.

LISA

Yes they were.

PETE

And then one day we'll be old people and we'll have our own house full of s**t. Hell, why sell it all now? Might as well keep it, get started early.

LISA

Shut up.

BILLY returns, carrying another useless object, a statue of a clown.

BILLY

What's this thing?

PETE

It's a butt plug.

LISA

Peter!

PETE

How the hell should I know what it is?

BILLY

It looks like a clown to me.

PETE

Well, congratulations. You found the secret clown. You get the secret clown prize.

BILLY

What's the secret clown prize?

PETE

You get the secret clown. Now get the hell out of here.

LISA

Peter, I swear to god, stop being an a*s.

BILLY

But I don't want it.

PETE

Then why are you carrying it around?!

BILLY

Just wanted to know what it was.

PETE

Oh, I see. Give me that for a second.

LISA

Peter...

BILLY hands him the statue. PETE throws it against the ground, breaking it.

PETE

There! Now nobody gets the secret clown. Way to go! What's your name?

BILLY

Me?

PETE

Oh my god, yes you. What is your name?

BILLY

Billy.

PETE

Of course. A grown f*****g man named Billy. Well guess what Billy. You made me do that because you're an idiot. All the Billys of the world make all the Petes of the world smash clown statues because Billys are stupid and Petes just can't f*****g take it.

LISA

Peter, calm down. (To BILLY) I'm so sorry, sir. He's just...under a lot of stress lately.

PETE

Billy, I'm gonna level with you here. I wish you were that clown. I wish I could smash you. But that would just embarrass my wife and put me in jail.

BILLY

I'm not a clown. I'm Billy.

LISA

Billy, did you see all the hummel figurines over there under the tree? I bet you'd like those, Billy. You should go look at them.

BILLY

I already did. They're eyes seem like they follow me when I walk by.

LISA

Well go look at them again!

BILLY leaves.

PETE

I can't do this, Lisa. I just can't.

LISA

Do what?

PETE

Be a person that coexists with people like that.

LISA

Then don't. Go live in a cave. Why did you break that clown?

PETE

It made me feel feelings so I smashed it.

LISA

That doesn't sound very mature, does it?

PETE

I don't want to be mature. I don't want to be old and respectable and dead. I want to make a pillow fort.

LISA

Well, make one then. Who's stopping you?

PETE

Billy.

LISA

Billy? Billy's trying to hide from the hummels behind the tree. Billy isn't stopping you from doing s**t, Pete. What's this really about?

PETE

Things disappear, and they don't leave anything behind. Then they're forgotten. Might as well never have existed in the first place.

LISA

They aren't forgotten unless you forget them.

PETE

You can't stop it. Things just fade away.

LISA

So you're going to hide from the cruel march of time inside your pillow fort, cursing the Billys of the world until you disappear too?

PETE

Yes.

LISA

Well, I think you're already fading away. I can see right through you.

PETE

Exactly.

LISA

Ugh, listen, I know things are tough and you're emoting all over the yard right now, but feeling sorry for yourself won't fix that clown or kill Billy dead. It's just going to make you annoying to be around. So if you want to play king of the down feather castle, fine. Go for it. But do it alone.

BILLY returns carrying something gigantic.

LISA

Goddamn it Billy, go away!

BILLY leaves.

PETE

I don't want this.

LISA

No one does.

PETE

Billy does.

LISA

You care what Billy wants?

PETE

I didn't think so.

LISA

You care. You care because you want to be the opposite of Billy, and you need Billy to be over there so you can be over here.

PETE

But Billy keeps coming over here.

LISA

Then go somewhere else. Go somewhere Billy can't follow.

PETE

There will be more Billys there too.

LISA

Then climb higher and higher until you get so high all the Billys suffocate from lack of oxygen.

PETE

Would you climb up there with me?

LISA

Are you going to keep smashing clowns?

PETE

Maybe a few. That thing was really ugly.

LISA

Yes it was.

BILLY returns carrying all the hummels in a basket.

BILLY

We talked about it, and we came to an agreement.

LISA

You...and the hummels?

BILLY

Yeah. They kept staring, but it turns out their faces are just made like that.

PETE laughs.

LISA

Ah, right. That makes sense.

BILLY

How much for the lot of them?

PETE

How much money you got, Billy?

BILLY sets down the basket and counts his money.

BILLY

27 dollars, and a coupon to KFC.

PETE

Deal.

PETE takes the money and stands.

PETE

(To Lisa) Come on.

LISA stands.

PETE

(To Billy) Enjoy the hummels, Billy. Enjoy all this s**t. It's yours. Enjoy your life down here.

LISA

Where are we going?

PETE

Up.