I am Learning to Forgive

A stream of consciousness.

I am trying to learn to forgive myself for all of the days I still spend on the couch, wrapped in my ignorance and ache. I try not to think about you too much, but not thinking about you is a difficult task to accomplish when you are consuming me from the inside. 

And speaking of inside, I've forgotten what sunlight feels like on my skin. If it weren't for the sunburn on the back of my neck, I doubt I'd even remember that the sun exists with you gone. When you leave, every part of this world and all of their shadows recede, and I want to recede with them too. 

I am trying to teach myself how to forgive, but no one else is able to reach me through this membrane of disbelief. I am afraid that soon they'll stop trying. Why is it that something so easy for a chosen few is so impossible for the rest of us? Why is there never a voice in my chest when I look into my mirror and know that the only way to save myself is to say, "It is the human thing to stumble and wander; you are not lost to everything. I forgive you and I love you."?

Why am I so easily convinced that I am undeserving of gentle hands? Will I ever be?

Reviews

[...]

very gentle and nice piece. it s very calm and also try find own balance. it s hard try forgive your self and take lot of courage . it s look sometimes impossible but it s possible. i wish you all be well .

[escherflight]

That's a bad space you're in. Wishing you healing and self belief.

[Edward Lancheister]

the question sounds lost between in the forest of desperation.