Cracked

Cracked

A Poem by Luna Evangeline

Fingers sweep along a trembling thigh,

A sudden whisper of a flame setting my soul on fire

Satiny hips underneath a gentleman's rough-skinned hands

Quaking

A flower in the wind

Rocking

Riding stormy waves

A connection like no other, an unlucky woman finding her peace,

A blessing that Fate slipped into my pocket like a bit of spare change.

There is no other like us when we're together

Our passion is unmatched

I am his fortress and he, my lighthouse.

 

Feather-light touches, lingering lips,

Tiny explosions rushing through my heart,

Filling me with long-lost warmth.

 

But there's something cold.

Something hard. Unrelenting.

Left hand, the one that caressed

While the other one rubbed,

Fourth finger.

Glinting in the darkness of my bedroom,

Flashing in my guilty eyes.

 

A token of something deeper

Something I am breaking apart.

It brushes my skin as he touches me

and I shiver. It's cold as ice.

I almost wish it could melt away.

I should be ashamed.

I'm not.

He'll keep creeping into my bedroom. He'll love me,

not her. I'm the beautiful girl (other woman)

who blinds men with passion.

I'm the crack in a failing foundation,

Waiting happily for it all to collapse.

 


© 2013 Luna Evangeline



Author's Note

Luna Evangeline
The last stanza needs something, I think. Any thoughts? Thanks for reading :)

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Reviews

The last stanza fits snugly, and goes well with the flow. How the subtle yet dramatic turn the poem took fills the reader with understanding, and answers any question the reader had previously (the married man). Love the poem, welcome back, and great job. :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


Luna Evangeline

4 Years Ago

Thanks dear:)
Well... I don't think you need to change anything i'm pretty breathless.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Luna Evangeline

4 Years Ago

Really? Thanks lovee:)
I think it is great as a piece of erotica, or just as a deeply personal poem of lengths we are willing to go to, to keep hold of a failing love for someone. The things that we tell ourselves in reassurance to keep the dream alive. Beautifully put, I didn't think there was really anything wrong with the last stanza but I was arrested momentarily in my reading after the line, "A blessing that Fate slipped into my pocket like a bit of spare change." because I felt that what came before described a love/passion that, to me would seem greater than "a pocket full of spare change." Looking forward to reading the other poems that you've requested I read.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Luna Evangeline

4 Years Ago

Thanks hun.!
Astro

4 Years Ago

You're very welcome.
Your last stanza is perfectly executed, the whole poem builds up to such perfect ending. Leave it alone.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Luna Evangeline

4 Years Ago

Thankss. :)
The Verse: A Poetry Journal

4 Years Ago

no sweat, it really is good! I wish I had the patience to read your prose.
Luna Evangeline

4 Years Ago

Thank you :)
Amazing, beautiful and brilliant! You're an amazingly talented writer!
"He'll keep creeping into my bedroom. He'll love me,
not her. I'm the beautiful girl (other woman)
who blinds men with passion."
... is my favorite part! Thank you for the great read - thanks for the add, also :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


Luna Evangeline

4 Years Ago

Thanks lovee. :) nice to meet you. :)
My take: there's additional development to be done b/w 'I'm not' and 'He'll keep creeping...' It works as a dramatic asynchronous declaration, but leaves the emotional conflict unexplored. Everywhere previously you shine light on Her perspective, and motivations, but here there's no depth to why She isn't (ashamed).

I'm also not sure that "men" in the third to last line is the right object...or, at least, as a plural object rather than in the singular. You built a structure around the unexpected strength of an 'inappropriate' relationship between two people, and for me it weakens the narrative - and the last line - when you suggest this exercise is just a common happenstance for Her.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Luna Evangeline

4 Years Ago

Thanks deary. :)
"He'll keep creeping into my bedroom. He'll love me,
not her. I'm the beautiful girl (other woman)
who blinds men with passion."
A amazing poem. I like how you made the poem seem real and logical. The above lines were my favorite. When we dance in dangerous places. Things can collapse. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 4 Years Ago


Sensual and ominous at once...powerful imagery...nicely done :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


I love that this is from the point of view of 'the other woman.' They usually don't get emotional attention, they're more of a prop of infidelity.

I think "A token of something deeper" could be moved up to the third stanza, since it's more about his ring and everything after that is less tangible. Would that fix the last stanza's need you're thinking of? Also, I'd take out "(other woman)," it feels like a hand-holding for foolish audience members, when this isn't hard to figure out to begin with; which I especially enjoy about it. There's classy, sexy metaphors without getting bogged down in cliches or indecipherable weirdness. I admit to an inappropriate laugh at "A flower in the wind;" the first word that came to mind after that was 'flapping.' Probably just me, but if it happens to a lot of people, it ruins a lot of the intimacy.

I really liked this piece, My favorite line is either "I am his fortress and he, my lighthouse," or "I'm the crack in a failing foundation." Great work.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Luna Evangeline

4 Years Ago

Thanks love. :) Flapping, eh...? Perhaps I should change that line...and you're right about moving t.. read more
I really like reading new writers and I was pleasantly surprised when I read this..
"I am his fortress and he, my lighthouse" this is such a powerful line.. it speaks volumes of truth, when I was dating my ex I did feel like she was my foundation, my secure place, impenetrable by the judgement of the world that lurked outside and I her lighthouse which would guide us out of even the worst of problems. Your words spark like and reanimate those feelings i once had.. kudos.. Really good poem, 100/100!

Posted 4 Years Ago


Luna Evangeline

4 Years Ago

Nice to meet you Keegan. *gracious bow* :) Thanks for the review that made me smile.

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Added on July 17, 2013
Last Updated on July 17, 2013

Author

Luna Evangeline
Luna Evangeline

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If Walt Whitman were still alive I'd be his groupie. more..

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