CarltonRiley

Posted 9 Years Ago

Wow, I remember asking you to make this account I barely use mine but i like it when my writing is able to be quietly seen, it feels calm here, my writing grew up here . Any ways , I'm leaving this like an easter egg. Maybe one day you'll get bored and want to close the account or get a lone notification... hopefully the first one because like I said ... I'm leaving this as an easter egg for you and doing this because... I don't know, its like mediative. Its good for me and perhaps will be a bit amusing for you. But um yeah. This year, has been crazy good for me with my art and grades. I have accomplished more than ever. Sadly the summer ended with us "deciding together" to split. Which while I made a huge speech I did so more for my sake. I felt like DA was a fresh start. I didn't want a new boyfriend I just felt like I don't know... all of my heart had to selfishly be out toward my future as an artist there. I knew we couldn't stay friends with constant communication because... I felt really ashamed after summer and that happened. And I still feel a little bit like that. You got a girlfriend whom I know . And she is a really amazing and nice, and beautiful person. She is empathetic and deserves someone who will love her. I could never say anything bad about her because she only treated me with kindness. (It feels really good getting that off my chest) I wanna look back and at least see somewhere where I voiced how I actually felt instead of letting it fester. This year I went through some stages of letting you go. I went through the very long denial stage. I ignored Facebook and instagram. I didn't cry. I pretended like I didn't care. Then I went through anger, I deleted all of our pictures , almost , I deleted the app with your silly drawings and nicknames and I deleted our videos and your voice, that stage sucked. Then I saw you at Multi. Can I say "I wasn't ready" I felt all of the awkwardness and I felt shunned a bit... it was my birthday. I felt the tension in the air. I felt really sad. For the first time I went home and I sat down and I cried. first from my lack of control and then from all the things I felt I did wrong. Ifelt really depressed for a long time which was why when Jada messaged you I felt really angry, the next day I had my AP and a lot of stress of a teacher not putting in grades, volunteer work , soccer pains, and family stress. You messaging me put me into a panic attack...my immune system was compromised for a few days. I'm not saying it was you but I knew that talking to you that night broke the dam for everything else that occurred , it took my breath away, lol. Anyways I got better managed to get through APs your encouragement was really nice. I am now going up the slope. Its awesome I got the courage to write this.I fear what you'll say. Sometimes the best answer to something is silence. This is everything Ive been feeling dumped into no order. I now call you "Thou who shall not be named" Almost makes you seem like voldemort. It adds an air of mystery around you. If you see this give me a name like . The Woman , Feugo or like something cool. I sometime miss getting pancakes on wednesday. I kept your big sign and your valentine , my first one ever. And I realease you like a breath of fresh air on a summer day. And sometimes I miss you. But letting this out feels so good. It feels like writing my last letter before I die.
I live remembering the notion that we all meet for very short times, we may die and never see the same person again. I was lucky for our paths to have met. So yes , this is it I think I covered everything. You know. And your profile picture , I remember telling you to send me something that represented me, and it does Im mercurial lol.

these are my l'espirit de l'escalier

goodbye.