please dont abduct me

If we had a candid talk about life I know you'd laugh at me. I'll recap the last 10 days. Had some fun eluding local cops. My neighbors hate me now though. Had
My front door kicked in when I wasnt home cause my
Girlfriend left her keys inside and thought I was ignoring her. Things got live when they evacuated my apartment complex in the middle of the night to do a ceiling breach and tear gas my apartment. Again I wasn't home. The bucs finally won a game last night, and I figured it would be fitting to watch from the local police bar. Spent 3 hours trying to lose them on foot in my neighborhood. Finally get back and my door I just fixed has been kicked in again. I just got a job as a sushi chef, but in all seriousness I have never worked in a kitchen in my life. I hope the grand opening of this beach front restaurant goes smoothly. I have eaten sushi twice in my life. The mobsters i had as landlords in saginaw michigan a few years ago(who got me fired from my job at the mall for impersonation of bounty hunters and attempting to abduct me at work) have found me I think. Its a good thing there's no frozen rivers where I live because I'm not sure they are creative enough to come up with a murder other than hole in the ice. In all fairness I'd accept a beating but I won't just let them kill me. I inadvertently had several of their rental properties condemned and also their restaurant shut down. Taking all the lightbulbs out of the house on the way out really sealed the deal in my opinion. My girlfriend and love of my life is an abusive hypochondriac drug addict. In a moment of sheer genius, she broke into meth dealers house and left with what we will just say a lot of stuff not belonging to her. I had been led to believe she was doing an autopsy at the medical examiners office, but instead let herself in there and stole a humungous n****e out of a formaldehyde jar. I'm in good shape and in my late 20's but pretty sure I suffered a minor stroke the other day. The news of that mad her so mad she promptly overdosed to send me a message. The n****e was in her purse u brought to her. They decided to discharge her later that day. Lord Jesus has been incredibly good to me lately and my life at least remains entertaining and challenging to me just as i asked for. I'm getting ready to go take a cat nap in FEMA trailer and hopefully ride my horse this afternoon. From a writing level, i have no training accept for the essay i submitted for english one about incest and birthcontrol. Had i known i was gonna have to read it in front of a whole bunch of teenage girls i would have either made it less accusatory or left out snipets that were medically sound and well researched, but not intended for humor as they were mildly sexually explicit to begin with. My pervert professor found it so informative and fresh she made a backhanded attempt to get it published, subsequently leading to a threatening letter from a kentucky based law firm that claimed my references to a documented family of blue people well known for incest were liable. Needless to say I didnt have a medical journal published, but I pissed off a group of smurfs hiding in the mountains when all I wanted to do was talk about the importance of pheremones and things compromising natural biological processes. I expect you to hate me and think I'm a liar. I'm shaking my head while I'm sitting on the toilet right now because I am actually an atrocious fiction writer. I'm kind of hoping for some really harsh criticism and general feedback no holds barred. Don't know my a*s from my elbow in the "literary" world. I called it dootling until my girl couldn't take the gross misuse of a word she hservices welcome me please to the literary world. I hope to live thru thanksgiving because the restraining order my dad had against me is dropped and grampa finally kicked the bucket. Also, anyone needing notary services or an ordained ceremonial minister, hit me up. Also can do balloon animals and wash dishes. Salutations!