Concrete Angels Forum Life Will Get Better:Moving Pa..

This thread is in response to a question posed in another thread by a member. They asked if you can or will ever move past abuse. This is my response:

Can you overcome abuse? Absolutely! I grew up in a home steeped in domestic violence and dysfunction. I was also sexually abused at the age of 11. I'm now 33 and I believe that I have moved past my abuse. And I'd like to spend my time in Concrete Angels, enlarging not the abuse and my abuser, but the way forward to a bright future. I want to use the pain to be POWERFUL.
I'm not saying that I don't have battle wounds, insecurities, walls, emotional swings and relational issues that I struggle with. The fact is that it is impossible to experience that much trauma and not be affected on so many levels. I am. But Abuse is no longer at the center of my life. It is not my master anymore. Abuse was something that came knocking on my front door, it beat me and crushed me, but it also made me fight for my life with an unrelenting determination. I had a choice to swim or drown. I chose to swim. I had to go to the deepest parts of me, where I stuffed all of that pain and I had to dig it up at the roots. It isn't easy, but it's POSSIBLE for you!

The first step to overcoming abuse is to SEEK A HIGHER POWER. There may be some who don't believe in God or find it hard to believe in God. I totally understand that, believe it or not so does God. I believe in him, because I know that I can't rescue myself from my problems. That's why I have a problem. If I had the answer, I wouldn't have a problem. It is very necessary to see your life from another perspective and if it is one thing that God and the Bible does, it is that. In him and it, we find our real identity. That's important. It's important because we often devalue ourselves when we've been abused. We look at ourselves as useless and worthless: two very powerful and destructive mindsets. But God sees us as worthy, as loveable, as having his breath moving in us. God sees you as his child! He is infuriated by your abuse, but like Joseph(also very abused) said, They meant his abuse for evil " ...but God meant it for good." I'm not telling you shout three times to God spin around and it will all be gone. No way am I saying that! That's just not true. Healing takes effort, medical attention in some cases, and time, but knowing God puts life's ills and the ability to move onin perspective. Each day as you grow with, he'll bring you to a place of healing. It will take time and work, but each day has to be lived separately. It's not about magic, but growth healing and transformation.

Secondly, we must understand the truth about our abuse and abusers.
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!! As people who have been abused, we tend to blame ourselves. But what we need to know is that our abuser planned, schemed and conived his or her way into our little, naive minds, preyed upon us and left us to die! It was a hit and run and we were badly wounded. But we are not the blame. YOU ARE NOT THE BLAME! Those of us who were molested by in laws or parents often feel guilty and ashamed, like we've betrayed our siblings, because after being groomed by abusers they have successfully made us apart of their scheme. So we feel guilty. Start to tell yourself that you were used and you have nothing to be ashamed of. That will take time. If you have a really good friend, ask them about the good in you and you may be surprised, even reluctant to believe the good they see. But, begin to replace the negative thoughts with the good. Even if you can't believe yourself, believe your friend, they know you! Even better, believe what God's word says about you. ROMANS 8:29" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[j] who[k] have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."

Now, the most difficult part of all. TAKING RESPONSIBILITY I'm a woman(duh!) and as a woman, I think emotionally. But I've learned how to cross over into my logical , problem solving side that is more driven by truth, facts and reality. I would much rather sit and blame my abuser and all of the people who did me wrong, self-destruct, be rude and obnoxious to people, and I feel no remorse about my actions because I am entitled, because I WAS ABUSED. I really lived like that for a long time, but life and it's many roads lead me to a place of accountability. My friends ALL left me when I was about 25. I had a group of about ten people I did everything with. Some went off to school, some just moved on to other friends and I found myself alone. I had to find my own identity. I had become so accustomed to being defined as a group, but when they were pulled away from me, I didn't know who I was or where I was going. That forced me to look to God and to search myself. It was then and only then that I started to realised something that has helped changed my perspective:I AM THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS. That lesson has taken root in me over the years. Self -accoutability. No matter how we stew in our pain and rehearse it and tell it, our abuser is not the one being hurt by that. WE RE-ABUSE OURSELVES each time we hold on to that hurt and live as if it's a badge. It was bad. It should not have happened, but it did. And you're still here! The worse has happpened and you survived! Are you perfect, no? But who is? (no one) Now, you need to take charge of today and tomorrow. Yesterday your abuser was in charge, but it's the past. For me, I lived 20 years like I was still in that moment! I decided to accept the fact that I couldn't change the past. I also accepted that my abuse has made me strong, resilliant,
compassionate, powerful and it has created a strong determination to speak out against abuse and to make a difference in the lives of others who have been abused. You have a GREAT calling and responsiblity. God trusts you a whole lot!

And finally, I think the biggest example of the ability to use the pain of abuse to become powerful is OPRAH WINFREY. Oprah was abused on more than one occasion and it ran its course in her life. She acted out in a promiscuous way, she had a baby at age 14(it died), she still eats for emotional reasons and she struggled to understand her abuse. But Oprah went on to become the first Black billionaire and she uses her fame to change the lives of people, especially young girls. She lobbied for the creation of a sex offenders registry and was successful. She also uses her show to work with the FBI to put child molesters in prison and to educate people who have been abused. It has helped me tremendously. What a way to use the pain to be powerful!!!! She's my mentor. Oprah is no different from you or I. She simply took responsibility for her peace and happiness and left her abusers to God.
God knows what you're going through, and he allowed it because there is some good he wants to do through you! I thank God that Oprah was abused and had the courage to overcome it, because I gain strength from her. I also am thankful that I was abused. It has made me who I am. The journey to healing is a day by day, minute by minute FIGHT. You have to want it, and fight for it. You have to feed yourself words, media and friends that help you heal. I am routing for you!! Be blessed.
STRENGTH, COURAGE & WISDOM
Anastasia

*Applauds*

Well said girlfriend!!! I could not put it any clearer what I feel and hope for myself and each group member. I personally am a spiritual person, but do not actually "serve" God in the way many Christains do. I had a rough life, and I agree with you, if I were to hold on to all that bitterness and anger, it would have destroyed me, raping my well being all over again. I too don't dwell on it, but I have cometo understand, there are times I want to talk about it, and there is not a soul I could confide in...because most people, unless they been through it, don't get it.

It is my desire that the members of the group come to a understanding that they were NEVER to blame, and begin to see themselves as survivors, not victims anymore. And that they can unload when nessacary feelings that they may not be able to share with anyone else.

I commend you for taking responsiblity in your life. I had to do the same thing as well at one time. It scared the hell out of me to face myself and try to fix that empty void in my life on my own. In certain ways...I'm still scared.

Thank you for such a thought provoking and encouraging post.-Catrina

You're welcome. Thank you for your post also, I respect and appreciate your views. One thing I need to make crystal clear is yes, I have moved past it, but it took time and effort. I am not an overnight success. I hurt a lot of people, I had to do a lot of apologizing , I lived in shame and self-hatred, I know the pain of molestation. I also know the possibility of overcoming and it lies in understanding that the power is ours to use the pain for good, despite the bad it was intended for. I'm all for talking, but for me (and this varies depending on where you are in terms of age out look and maturity) I want to enlarge healing and overcoming, not just rehearsing the pain, i've done that far too long. <3

STRENGTH, COURAGE & WISDOM

Really great advice. I think you should deal with whatever happened but you also have to learn to forgive those who hurt you as well as forgive yourself. Too many people get caught up in trying to move on with out settling our minds to feel safe. Going through life and not knowing why we do the things we do. Abuse is hard to get over but can be done. It's hard work, praying, forgiving and FAITH. Don't let the ones who hurt you keep hurting you over and over!!! Really delve in and get to the issues that you hold on to. Otherwise... you will turn bitter, try to commit suicide, hate yourself, blame others. Accept what happened and no it wasn't your fault. Prayer to keep you strong! Don't let the enemy keep taking away your blessings.


Krystal Waters

Amen sister. Forgiveness is everything for us right now.