The Howie Fan Club Forum If you spot a Howie - Basic Pr..

If you are traveling in Plymouth and you spot a Howie or a Howie with Mouse here is what you do.

1) Remain calm or as calm as you can. Sudden movement, noise (especially from children or yappy dogs), Fetish practicing, Christian practicing, or middle class ways upset it tremendously.

2) Grab ahold of Mouse and put her up in a hotel with psychiatrists so she can be weaned from its dastardly influence over her. Do not let her sneak back to it if you have any humanity inside you at all.

3) Pack your bags and get as far away as possible.

4) Call Scotland Yard and tell them of the sighting.

5) Move and change your name. It can find you wherever you reside or work. It has heightened sense and unpredictable behavior.

ADDITIONAL TIPS:

#1
Should you be accosted by Howie, try to maintain your composure. Agree with everything he says and heap lavish praise upon him. Ask about his latest adventure and, as he is engrossed in the story, lead him to a well-lit populated area. Encourage people who are wandering by to stop and listen - There is safety in numbers.

#2
Should you find yourself in the (un?)enviable position of being alone with Howie in confined quarters, under no circumstance should you scream, cry or run. That is only liable to bring out the animal in him. Remain calm, remove any articles of clothing he deems necessary... and resort to serendipity and prayer.

#3
There is conjecture that the best defense is a good offense, but no-one attempting that strategy has survived to tell the tale. Of course, since the victims are not available for interrogation, it may be that they were simply not committed enough to adequately pursue this bold tactic. You simply cannot underestimate Howie. To beat him at his own game requires extreme aplomb, as well as a modicum of imagination.

#4
Finally, keep in mind that if it is simply your time to go, you might as well make the most of it and succumb gracefully. Remember our motto,

If you've gotta go, you might as well go with Howie!

Hey are you guys objectifying me? Heheh....

That's what happens to Celebrities, Bub.

Perhaps I could sign up for Big Brother or I could make the cover of Sports Illustrated or something - the David Beckham of Literature... Nah, I'll just stay in my study drinking coffee and churning out rubbish, besides Mouse won't let me out of the house until I've secured a 10 book deal (the Navy have started asking where I am now too... hehehe! ;-))

Yup, Mouse wants that House.

I've got you cornered now, Old Boy, don't I?

It does seem that way, this draws me to just one possible conclusion:

You are all part of a dedicated network of agents headed up by the devious Mouse with orders to drain all (limited) knowledge and plotlines from my brain so that other writers may use this to get themselves published (all proceeds going to the Network) and leave me destitute and broken on the streets... You don't think JK Rowling was the person that actually wrote Harry Potter do you? The guy that wrote that is in 6x4 cell somewhere in deepest Mexico... Christ, the 'Network' is bigger than I thought - well, you may have me penned in a corner at the moment but...

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I thought all our communications with M were supposed to self destruct?

See I told you!! I knew it!! They don't call me 'Conspiracy Howie' for nothing you know!!!

LMAO! This is just too funny!!

xxoxx
Goddess

Shhh Kali. He'll already catching on. If you aren't more careful we will have to reduce your cut. By the way, do have the Swiss Bank's English speaking customer service number again. They keep sending my statement to the wrong address.

The American toll free number is 1800DAHOWIE.

Disclaimer: This conversation has nothing whatsoever to do with Howie or his alleged conspiracy...

Kali - I can't believe you gave my home number out on the internet - I'll have all manner of strange women calling me at all hours of the day and night with their sick demands....

Waiting...

Waiting...

Still waiting...

Phone should ring any second...

Waiting... *yawn*... I'm going to bed.... still waiting.... *sigh*

Poor little lonely Howie.

Weep...

Weep...

LMAO...

I mean, Weep...

Tears, like sudden rhythmic movements will only excite The HoWiE further... fair warning unless you want a HoWiE frenzy on your hands.





I have no idea what that means...

Like any other wild animal,

the Howie cannot help responding to instinct.

If approached, do not run.

If cornered, do not whimper.

Proper submissive behavior is your best bet.

Anything less, and you might as well be road kill.

 

Well, I certainly see to have made a mess out of that quivering filly didn't I.

I don't know, the moment they flop onto their backs with their legs in the air... I sort of... gee, I don't know.... I sort of go... nuts...

Chantal-lise your strangeness never fails to surprise me... ;-)

  WTF!!

We have some newer members who have not yet gone through indoctrination.

Please make use of our online guides until we can get you some experience in the field.

Until you have been thoroughly trained, do not attempt solo contact with the enemy.

Document any and all encounters.

If you do not survive, at least others will learn from your mistakes!

Howie may make us weak in the knees, but I am here to tell you we must stand strong!