The Review Club Forum Discussion for Julie's The Per..

This is the place to respond to reviews and for discussion of Julie's The Perfect Gift

Hi Julie. I've reviewed your piece. I hope the comments are helpful. If you have further questions feel free to ask.

Cheers!

Rob

Jeff:

Thanks for the review. I knew that the ending wouldn't be that much of a shock. To me it followed a logical progression, but I wanted to comment on the 'idea' of love and happily ever after.

I also thank you for pointing out the bumpy ride of the phone call. I have to admit I don't usually write in 3rd POV so the narration is a bit disjointed. Also, nice catch on the manic. I do that alot, switch out words I mean. So when I read it back to myself, I read the wrong word as well. Now the ellipses argument... (tee-hee)

In many stories I try to avoid them unless in dialogue. But I do so love my ellipses. I have a real paranoia (thanks to cc) of using exclamation points. She only allows me one every 75000 words...(see now I guess can't help myself). I did have a point when using them. I was seeking to capture a suburban life. The little things that are there but never said... (Oh, MY GOD! I CAN"T STOP). But I do see your point, and will see if I can cut a few instances out................. (I hear they have pills for that).

Now, I appreciate the depth comment, because you are right. I wasn't looking for deep character development nor psychological thriller. However, the romantic comedy comment hurts. It really does. I was thinking I was the next FREAKING Stephen King. You were supposed to be horrified, damn it! :)

Seriously, thanks for the review. It was helpful and gives me a few needed places for revision... ::tongue::

Julie

Rob:

Thanks for the in-depth review. I agree with many of your statements.

What I do want to address is the length and character development. I agree that this lacks both, and that was by choice. The character development fell to the length. I wanted a short that fits well within a magazines word count, so I abused the tell rule in certain places. (Bad Writer!)

You brought up the POV shift and that was intentional too. Not necessarily to keep the characters from developing but from a tension standpoint. I felt switching in the middle to Brian's POV both as the killer and the husband hinted at the end result. My goal when writing these type of shorts is to provide enough information that if the reader backtracks he/she can see the clues and red-herrings.

You hit on an important point that I definitely need to address. It was my intention that the reader understands that she is a part of the killings. That she knows what is in the box or hopes that is what is inside. I thought I could get away with explaining that she hated Heather Miller, and it would fall into place, but your right. I need to make that much clearer.

You also gave me many places to take a closer look at.

Thanks. I appreciate the time and energy you put into reviewing this.

Julie

Chrissie:

Thanks for the review. Don't be too disappointed. Bethany planned the whole thing!

Thanks for the nitpicks. I always need editing help. The VD line was intentional, and a sad attempt at consoling my lonely heart on the much hated valentine's day. ::biggrin::

Thanks again for the review and I'm glad you liked it.

Julie

O, Jules, don't worry about my stupid genre-filling comment. It just came out because it is a V-day story and they do have sex and stay together in the end, and it is funny in several spots. You should blame Stephen for desensitizing me to being shocked. Also, there's no zombie cars in this story at all. King always wants a zombie car.

Cameron:

Thanks for the review. I know there aren't any dead hookers, so I'm amazed you liked it! ::biggrin::

To answer your question, yes she knew her husband was the killer. I guess I need to make that clearer.

Thanks for pointing out my passive problem. I agree I need to work on it. Same with was...it is(was) a favorite of mine. I did know the phone call was a bit rough timeline-wise. That comes from the 3rd POV. I am never quite sure about the narration, so I think I put too much in-between.

All your nitpicks are dead-on and show me exactly where I need to revise.

Thanks for the review.

Julie

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There's nothing wrong with telling at points so you can shift scenes through a faster transition. I'm starting to redeploy certain so-called "no-nos" for effect. The bottom line will always be if it works or not. For example, the shifting POV you have is clever and you're using it for effect. It's a "no-no" but if used well it can work.

Cheers!

Rob

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I let her use more than that... 5 per novel. That's one every 20,000 words. In my defense.... (Ellipses... they are fair game....)

-cc

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I do blame him. I've even gone as far as stalking him along a highway in Maine while driving a zombie mini-van. ::suprised::

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Ha Ha Ha! I have it in writing now! ::biggrin::

Oooo.. zombie minivan. That's cold Julie... really cold ::biggrin::

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I know. I was ashamed even typing it...

Anthony:

Nice catch on the spilled tea line. I wanted to set up a good characterization, but I think you're right and the tea must be spilled...damn it. Also, nice catch on the roast. You caught me...I don't cook at ALL!

I'm glad the end was a surprise to you. I wasn't sure it would be. I also have changed the dad drunk line under your and Jeff's commentary.

Always great for you to review. Thanks for the comments.

Julie

Mike:

Excellent suggestion about drawing the stalking of Bethany early on. I like the shocking ending regarding Brain though...hmmm...I'll have to think about it. Thanks for the comments and I'm glad you thought it was creepy. I was hoping for lovingly romantic...but what can you do! ::biggrin::

Julie

Kim:

Thanks for the review. I can always count on you to find the little things. I appreciate it. I agree about the end of 'sex' scene. It could be made into something a bit more. I also knew that you'd catch that blonde line. I started out without the L"Oreal line, but added it later...so yeah, she wasn't blonde at first.

As always you are a great help. Thanks.

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Good! I like psycho kills hiding in innocent church girl faces. :) I wrote horror up until my last novel. Creepy elements like that always make me smile. Though I hate horror movies. I scare easy. ;)

Chrissie

Joe:

Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked the story and thank you for pointing out those things that tripped you up. Glad you've joined our group.

Thanks,

Julie