The Review Club Forum Discussion for Anthony's Spark..

This is the place to respond to reviews and for further discussion on Anthony's Spark and Trail, chapter 3, �I likeum firm, young and firm,�

Oops, this is actually chapter 2. I corrected the tittle. I don't think anyone has read this before. Maybe on urbis.

One more problem. chapter 2 goes over 5k. Its 6300 words I think. I put a bold line a little before 5k warning you guys to stop.Thats what I get for posting at the last minute. Sorry and thanks.

Stop, you have reached your 5k review requirements. Anymore reading on your part is going beyond the requirements of our group. You've have been worn.[b/]

Mr William,

(But, "Sophia, was being given to the old fat man by the edge of Lameland. She nearly despised him more than her husband, the black and grey stick harvester." I thought the old fat man was the stick harvester; but I must have been wrong, for here Madelyn seems to be married to the stick harvester, who is said here to be different from the stick harvester.

Nope you are not wrong I wrote it out wrong. Thanks!)

I don't understand the reference to "chasing the rat in the sack." I also do not understand what Joan is "taking over." Neither does William fully, talking about Joan here . She is like a spirit taking over his body. I�m still working out those details in my mind really.)

This was the clearest writing I've seen from you, and I hope you can continue in this vein.

Well you have to understand this is my for fun piece. It was started as a piece that was meant to have a little rhyme to it. A little bit of a poetic quality. I write it like a crossword puzzle really. It is the best way I can describe it. Hopefully next time my review is up I�ll have a piece that is more modern day and easily understood. Don�t think I don�t know I went too far and in chapter one. I know and will deal with it all in time. I think the only person that really understood chapter one was Leah. I do want more people to understand it though and not feel so lost. I�ll get to it sooner or later.

Thanks for the good review, Anthony

Hey Wheldon, thank you for the encouraging words. I too also read the reviews of others but I only wait till after I've given mine. The reason I don't read the others first is I want the author to get my raw impression and I'm afraid it may get tainted by others opinions if I read their reviews first. Sometime it repeats what others have already said but I think that is ok. If more than one person is pointing to the same problem the there a good chance something is wrong with it. Anyways hope your submission is accepted and one day I can say I know the famous Wheldon. I hope I didn't spell your name wrong.

Dear A.C.,

This seems a good time to mention I do as you do: I make sure to avoid reading reviews of pieces I'm assigned to until I've done my review. Readers should know my review is my opinion alone, and takes no others into account.

I appreaciated your review and will answer it on my own board. Thanks.

Anthony, I've posted my review. I hope my comments help. If you have any questions, feel free to let me know. Rob

Quote:


"I think this line needs to be broken down, for example, into perhaps: �She was cruel as any man and twice as calculating, so William had learned dearly. But a �he�, no one had called her that.�

I like where you going and think you are right. I'll probably change a few words but you are very close.

"how could he know that?" Well the old man found William by the edge of a place Called Lameland. He brought him back to his place and stripped him of his clothes. I hink it's is partially covered in chapter one.

"The one people knew only as Speaker. � how would people know this? Is it written on it? Is there a reputation?" Reputation really."

There is a saying in chapter one that;       �Because, when a preacher uses a speaker all will hear.� The voice tied to the memory was old and raspy. An unconscious act, she perked her ears straining to hear them better in her mind. �Because, when a preacher uses a speaker all will hear.� She tried her hardest to give two strips of moving flesh to the words, anything to picture the face of the man that had said them, but she couldn�t even picture a freckle on a face. There was endearment in the way the voice had said because. A tone of kind heartedness that implied you are my child, you are my dearest of little nieces, because you are the flower in my eye that I share this with you. If she could just make out who he was maybe she could make out who she was.


�William may have been naked but dressing, as undressing, was somewhat of a private affair.� � this seemed awkward." Does it really not work? I kind of like that line. Is there something technically wrong with it?

"He felt that need again, that, gotta have it, gotta have it or I�ll die, ache within him. Gotta have what? � what? Too vague. We need to know now too so we are �in� the action." My attempt of building suspense. I'll think about it but I do want the reader to be a little confused. I shouldn't say confused but wondering.

"Mother Sun and Father Moon were making up is what people said. � what people?" Well I'm looking for ways to introduce the reader to a new world and terminology. But I'll take your advice under consideration.

"Then the transition into the Joan story didn�t work well, because there isn�t a natural link between the Sun and Moon story and the Joan story..." Well there is one in chapter one. Joan is spirit like entity that takes over his body and I wanted to work in some explanation. But you are right it is a jump. Something I'll have to work on in a revission.


"While I like the Maddie character development of this segment, I felt that it was too much backstory as well. The progress of the story stopped. I could see how this is useful but it needs to be twined with action as well. Keep the backstory but at the same time move the characters around doing something germane to the overall plot."

Good points. In chapter 4 the He-witch talks about making plans 7 deep for Williams death. Back up plan after back up plan. At some point I do have to give some back story. William's story is not a grounded one. He doesn't know exactly where he is going and neither do I. It is important to me that I never get too close to this character. I want him to be free enough to dark enough things if the situation warrents it. He is simply passing threw and though he is the main character and it all will link to him he is just another cog in the machine.

"This is good, but I feel like too much up to this point is dependent on explaining the he-witch rather than showing what the he-witch is." The he-witch comes out in four.
My goal is to spend about 35 thousand words in setting it up and bringing it all down like a hammer in 15k. Yea a Novelette if that. Who knows maybe sooner if I can get away with it.

"You get into Joan but we haven�t met her up to this point, so it�s all just conjecture. We should see her and she her interactions with Will." Again Chapter one but I'll say it, it's not all that clear. It's a big pain in my a*s, that one. I love it and hate it.

Who is talking about the poem? It sounds like it�s coming from outside the story. It should be from Will�s POV, and immediately so the reader doesn�t drift out of the story. It is from out the story and yes out of williams pov. I do want the Narrator to have his own voice and have it as a clear one, my voice. This is my fun piece and I do plan on yanking the readers chain. I do plan on annoying the reader from time to time and have him or her tell me shut up and get out the story. Why? Because ultimately this story is about what I want. About not wanting the Dark tower series to end. About how I hear that Gunslinger's voice at night telling me " hey Buckaroo have you given up yet? Gone yella belly on me? I'm trying out as many different styles as I can to see what works and how far I can push myself. Publishing it isn't my ultimate goal. Finding my voice is. I'll be honest I am mimicking other authors styles till my own emerges. Right now I'm on Stephen king like astro glide on a porn star, I'm all up in that crap. He writes so simple it's complicated. I hate him yet I love him.

Thanks so much for your review Rob. Lot to think about and lot to work on. Good Job.

Ok, good. I'm glad those thoughts helped. I think it'll make a big difference when you get into rewrite mode on the second trip through the story. Cheers!

B. Billy Curtis, Jean, and Cameron thank you for the reviews.