The Review Club Forum What would women do in this si..

I was just thinking of a particular premise for a novel, but I'd be interested in hearing what some women might do if they were in this situation. Consider it research for the book. If you'd like to chime in, I'd really like to hear what you think, so please feel free to add your comments.

Here's the scenario: suppose you are a married woman. You could be married for any length of time (however, if you wouldn't mind, please mention in your comments what you're imagining), whether newlyweds or years. Now suppose inexplicably, your husband stops making advances towards you in bed. Whatever is the normal frequency you might engage in sex, it suddenly, abruptly, stops. What would be your reaction? What might you suspect of your husband?

Would you suspect he's having an affair? Would you blame yourself somehow? Would you try to get back at him in some way? I'd like to know!

If you reply, you have my many thanks, and if it works out, you could indirect influence this piece I'm working on...

Thanks!

Mike:

Marriage *shudder*

I'm thinking the 7 year itch. So if I was married for 7 years and suddenly my husband stopped wanting me. I would think affair, totally. As far as what I would do, I'd find out. I'd stalk him and see for myself whether or not it was true. I'd check his phone, his computer. Hell, I'd even start checking to see what underwear he wore on what day...

If it was an affair, I'd get revenge. Not the average type either. ::biggrin::

Would I blame myself...sure, woman are made to blame themselves. But another thought has occurred to me. I'd also wonder if he was ill.

So in answering, all the things you suggested are very viable.

Good luck, seems like an interesting premise.

Julie

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Thanks Julie. That was helpful for me, too. I am trying to write a short piece of fiction written from a women's perspective, and I was told there wasn't enough guilt. lol Why is that? Sorry to hijack your thread Mike. ;-)

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And if you're looking for examples of what Julie thinks of appropriate revenge - go read her Kidney story. ::biggrin::

I'd be pissed. And there would be a fight. And unless I'd changed substantially, I wouldn't blame myself. But I would feel hurt -- if that makes sense. Just because the girl knows its not her fault, doesn't mean its not a devastating thing to have happen. Cheating is the easy answer, certainly, but married (and people in long term relationships) stop putting out for any number of reasons. I think my response would be to scream until he fessed up -- I wouldn't resort to snooping until that failed -- it's so much more fun to make them admit it.

-cc

I asked my wife this questions. We have been married for about 9 years. That seven year itch that Julie mentioned is a real ordeal. I had it bad there for a while. So there was a period where I just wasn't interested in her. I know that sounds cruel, I have the perfect wife, but sometimes the heart feels what it wants to. I never did anything mind you. I just bit my lip and bared it till it was over. So her replies are indeed based on actual experience.

What she would suspect;
One he's probably cheating, he's not interested in her because he is interested in someone else, Doesn't mean he has cheated already. Two she has gotten older or gained weight and he doesn't find her attractive.

Actions she would take;
Try to talk about it by first being suddle. Dropping hints etc. Be more observant of everyday tell tells.

What she would feel

Would feel unattractive and start comparing herself to other people. There could be a downward spiral where in fact because of low self esteem the woman would not take the effort to present herself in an attractive state. Further compounding the problem in her mind. It is pretty much what Julia and CC said without the brutal revenge. Doesn't mean there wouldn't be but she wouldn't tell me upfront lol.

Oh boy...

So, this is a subject that has a lot of possiblities. You have to start at where the woman's state of mind is when this happens. Just because the husband isn't interested in her in that way doesn't mean she would immediately think he is cheating. It could many things. Perhaps he has stress at work.

Personally, I've been married for fifteen years. I don't think my husband has ever cheated on me and I have never suspected he has, even though he has ample opportunity to because he works out of town a lot. My mother on the other hand was married to my father for fifteen years and he cheated on her often. She always told me that she would know when he was. I'm not really sure what she means by that. I assume it was the lame excusses he would make up about where he was.

Now saying that... If my husband had cheated on me when we were first together and I was oh so head over heals, I would have been devisated. But I was young and naive at the time. I was eighteen. I put my self esteem in his hands. If he was cheating it would have meant that I wasn't worth anything. What would I have done then? I probably would have broke down and gone a little nutty. I'm borderline to begin with and that would have pushed me over the edge.

Hmm... Actually, now that I think about it, my husband did kind of cheat on me once. My best friend was visiting me. She was staying with us a few days. I had to get up early the next day for work and went to bed. My husband and my friend stayed up drinking. I woke up when I heard them in the bedroom bathroom and saw them kissing. She climbed into bed with me and he followed her, continuing to kiss her. She tried to push him off, because I was right next to them, but he told her that I slept like a rock and I wouldn't wake up. I reached over and slapped him. At that point in my life, I wasn't very happy with him to begin with. I had been contemplating leaving him anyway. We had been married for almost five years at the time and the previous year had been really bad between us. He was a budding alcholic and a full blown speed freak. Seeing this hurt, but not as much as I would expect it to. I was pretty numb about our relationship and sure I got mad, but I didn't feel devistated and I didn't feel that it was my fault. What did I do? A few weeks later, I went with a group of friends to visit my best friend where she lived in San Fransico. We went to a club and I got wasted. That night I got my revenge and made out with three differnt people. When I returned from the trip. I left him. We eventually got back together though.

If he were to cheat on me now, would I care? No. I don't care if he does. In fact, I've told him if he wants to, then do it. I just don't want to know about it and he had better use a condom and not bring me some disease... I don't put my self worth in the way he looks at me or even if he is attracted to me. I have enough self esteem to know that I'm attractive and that if he cheats, it really has nothing to do with me. Would I feel betrayed? Nope. I've given him permission, how could I feel that way? The only way I would get mad is if he told me or was so careless that it got back to me. This all could be that our relationship hasn't been very good for the last couple years. Or, because I'm not a naive girl that is completely in love anymore.

So, like I said, the woman's reaction has a lot to do with her state of mind at the time. How in love is she? What is her self esteem like?

This is all excellent material that I'm going to swipe, if Mike doesn't, for my current WIP - short story. Ha! Don't be surprised if you're reviewing yourselves next week! Just kidding. Yes, relationships change over time and where you were emotionally at one time is not where you find yourself as time passes. I've always seen it pretty much as going. When you're young you might be at the same place at the same time, but if one of you grows and the other does not, well, you no longer will have anything in common any more. The signs are obvious and run back in the rearview mirror as far as the eye can see. How did you miss it? Well, because you didn't. You ignored it.

Thanks Mike for bringing this discussion up. Thanks to all for participating. I learned lots, and it didn't even cost me a cup of coffee! Woot!

Rob

These reactions are great...this is exactly what I'm looking for.

Kim- thanks especially for being so open about this stuff. What you shared was very eye opening. Everyone's reactions were really intriguing.

There's so much that I don't know about a woman's psyche...and being that I'm getting married in October, I'm sure there's a lot I need to learn.

Rob-

Swipe away...I'm glad you could take something away from this thread too.

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Congradulations! That is so cool... (Ignore my marriage comment from above) ::tongue::

There could be a lot of variables, of course. If the husband has some other problems, health or work related, and the wife knows that, she might think of those, if they're getting along in other respects. If they've been married awhile and have kids she'd probably assume she's not as sexy as she used to be, and though she'd feel hurt, she'd also feel a bit guilty for letting herself go.
There's a whole continuum of things she'd do before she'd assume "affair" and start tailing him or something. She'd make efforts to seduce him, maybe researching Cosmo or men's mags. She'd try to talk to him, if they have a talking relationship. She'd be more vulnerable to advances from other guys while this problem is going on, of course. She might use another guy, a friend of his would be best, to make him jealous and get him interested. That could give rise to complications, such as her falling for the other guy for real.
Interesting situation.