Underground Writers Network Forum HELP!!!!

Hey everybody! I could use some help. I really like the message in this piece and even some of the phrases. The problem is the rhythm is all off. I could use any sugggestions or help you have to offer. Thanks!

Melissa

SPEAK TO ME OF FIRE

Two intangible, boundless forces
One (my fear) I hold close, breathing it in
Until its scent becomes warm and amiable.
The other..... is another story.

I do not know how to comprehend love
Except when squeezed into trite forms and tired cliches.
So speak above my fear, around the worn expressions.
Speak to me of fire in a strange language
With a kiss to pierce the heart
With truths that erradicate pain
Far outweighing any you might incur.

Feed the fire waking a deep, ferocious color
That might blaze through the night
Into the morning of our changed eternity.
Let us devour this secret joy
Knowing peace and growing fat on love.

I as well like a lot of the lines throughout this piece, but I see what you mean by feeling the rhythm not fully coming together.

To begin, I would suggest that if you are naming two forces then speak of both. It seems to me the other unnamed force in the beginning, appears as love in the second stanza. Perhaps that is only my interpretation. If the second force is love, then you might want to hint at it on the first stanza with some kind of metaphor. If not, then removing the �two� and just leaving it as an abstract thought might help.

Either something like:

Intangible, boundless forces
My fear I hold close, breathing it in (omitting numbers helps continuity unless the pattern is very marked)
Until its scent becomes warm and amiable
My devotions, bewildered, in thin air (just anything you may come up with to lead into the next stanza as a concept carrying on)

Or:

Two intangible, boundless forces
My fear, one I hold close, breathing it in
Until its scent becomes warm and amiable.
The other..... (and mention/hint what the other one is)

On the second stanza, maybe leaving out the �know how to� might help the rhythm. Also, since you are using the verb �comprehend� the expression �how to� becomes implied along the lines.

I would use:
�I do not comprehend love�
Except when squeezed into trite forms
-- tired clich�s --
Speak above my fear
And around the worn expressions.
Speak to me of fire in a strange tongue
With kisses that pierce the soul,
truths that eradicate pain
Far outweighing any you might cause.

(I changed a few words trying to continue your thought, but including some internal rhymes and alike sounds. Doesn�t mean you should use those, but it might help give you an idea of what could improve the continuity.)

Feed the fire. Wake a deep, ferocious color (by using the infinitive, it becomes to me, more compelling than the gerund)
That might blaze through the night
Into the morning of our changed eternity.
Let it devour this secret joy (how about instead of �let us�, �let it� and creating the image of the fire devouring in that joy?)
Knowing peace and growing fat on love. (and if you decided to change that, then the last line would need a pronoun, something like �as we know peace and grow in love�)

Hope my little ideas help you get where you want to take it. It is a lovely piece, I can�t wait to see how it ends up being penned ::smile::