Vincent Daniels

Posted 10 Years Ago

Hi, I'm Vincent Daniels - writer, meat expert, subterranean vigilante wanna-be, enjoyer of quilts, and outer space explorer (I own a cheap telescope, or at least I wanted one when I was a kid). I wrote a book titled Meaty Balls! which is a collection of humorous essays, expositions, and insightfully elegant potty humor (your favorite). It's got like a million chapters (30).

If you're asking, "What makes you so special that you get to write a hilarious book that I'll love forever?" Here's why: I was raised as a Jehovah's Witnesses, so I was out preaching to strangers about Satan's hooves and Armageddon as a nine-year-old. Thanks to religion, I went to public school but wasn't allowed to celebrate birthdays and holidays, which is half of the curriculum. Also, I'm half-Asian. That's not intrinsically funny in itself, but being the only Asian in an all-white, racist-as-s**t community is funny, in retrospect. I'm stereotypically Asian in that I won every spelling bee, built a helpful robot from a pile of scrap metal, and am often mistaken for knowing kung fu (thank God). I married into a Puerto Rican family and gained nine thousand wonderful in-laws. Calling them "wonderful" is an example of the sarcasm I'm capable of delivering when under pressure. If you're worried about my well-being, don't, we're already divorced.

In addition to those balls-out hilarious things about me, I'm from Detroit, which has a lot of crime and black people. I'm not insinuating the two are related, I'm only stating those things because that's what people usually think of when they think of Detroit. Though both are true, I've never been mugged or murdered by anyone black (or any race), but the day is young and those abandoned alleys aren't going to fill themselves. I'm tempted to rewrite the last few sentences because they sound suspicious, but I told myself I'd write this once and not edit it. I actually love black people. One of my best friends is black. I don't know his real name because I always call him "J-Dawg". I'm pretty sure his real name starts with a "J" though. Tell you what, I'm going to find out his real name and plug it into this bio later. This is getting wordy so I'm going to list the other reasons I'm capable of writing an insightful and funny book without as much explanation:

5. Starting with "5" because, technically, there are four "Reasons I'm Funny" in the above paragraph. I'm going to start a new line because this one got ruined by this explanation.

Real #5. After marrying into a spicy Puerto Rican familia, I got separated and divorced...and divorce is hilarious!(I explain why it didn't work in my book. Not really, but if you want me to explain, I can email you some saucy details. Fun fact: Puerto Ricans, in general, don't trim their bush hair.)

6. I'm an auto industry stooge. They pay me to pretend to design cutting edge vehicle electronics while I actually write books in a covert-op MS Word minimized in the bottom left corner of my screen. Clear your throat if you hear my boss coming.

7. I go to dive bars and drink a lot. I'd go to nicer places but they're too far. I look Asian. I'm divorced. I have a black friend. I'm horny. Antics ensue.

8. I'm one of those part-time musician guys who plays acoustic guitar, writes mushy make-out music, and says, "Yeah, I've recorded a couple albums and sold a bunch of MP3s," even though I only sold seven MP3s over the past five years. If you'd like, I can email you some of my originals (only 99 cents each).

9. I have a gigantic collection of rocks & fossils, comic books, 80's toys, movie memorabilia, hockey jerseys, stamps, weapons (non-functioning replicas), old-school video games, dinosaur books, board games, lawn equipment, and mesh shirts. The point is - I'm an expert on everything, and exceptionally geeky, but in a sexy, sophisticated, and perverted way that you will probably love.

I'm like David Sedaris if instead of being old, gay, and living in the European countryside, he was young, straight, and lived in a Detroit hood. I'm like Dave Barry but not as goofy looking or successful. I'm like Tucker Max but without as much butt-diddling. I'm like Mark Twain suffering from incurable diarrhea. All in all, I'm like all of the Ewoks from Return of the Jedi combined - you know, cute, cuddly, rabid, hilarious, skilled with rudimentary weaponry, farting a lot. So, anyways, It's super duper nice to meet you. Be sure to buy Meaty Balls!, read it, laugh, experience blissful happiness, have an "O" or two, clean yourself up, curl up in the tub and cry, whatever.