Death

I hate my brain

The movies and books paint death like a picture

A pretty little picture

Wrapped up in a bow of unspoken words and clear tear drops

Mixed with the rain drops falling on clean black clothes

How do I know it's different?

I haven't lost anyone close

A few dogs, but they're only there a short time

A grandfather when I was young, but I was too young to comprehend

I thought death didn't affect me

That I was somehow immune

Able to shrug it off like one does a bad grade on a test they'll never remember

But no

Like a bullet, it hit me

I'm so f*****g scared

Of death

Of losing the ones that have been my entire life

What do you do when you have no one left?

I don't want that day to come

When I raise my head up and realize

I'm the only one left

My mother's laugh, as loud and as vibrant as she was

My father's jokes, hilarious to anyone that bothered to listen

My uncle's stories, and the irrelevant tangents they often became 

gone

Only retained in hazy memories and old, outdated technology

I'm so f*****g scared

Of the day when I realize that the name 

"Bearden"

My name

would disappear with me

Should I ever decide to never have children

I don't want to be alone

I still want to be held when I'm sad

And kissed  on the forehead when I'm happy

I want to be hugged, and loved

I don't want to grow up

I don't...

I don't want to...

I don't want to be alone