Somertown: Boston Bank Robbery

A story of a bank robber in Boston named Red Sparrow who seeks to illuminate the peculiar depth of the great city.

One last heist story in my second-favorite US city (next to LA of course!), Boston (home of the Red Sox). Enjoy (and God bless!), 

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Boston is a great city. There's great schools, great sports, great restaurants, great traffic, great buildings. Boston's got it all. If you live on the East Coast and don't yearn to go West, it's because of Boston magic. Boston is also home to many cultures and peoples, though the Irish community is rather large here. Boston is simply great.

The Santander Bank on State Street in Boston is an immaculate institution. The building itself is really awesome. It's a tall building, friends! The Santander Bank is located inside the State Street building in Boston. It's the site of our little story here, a tale of a heist, a rather great heist!

The thief is known as Red Sparrow. He walked into the Santander Bank carrying a red pistol, which looked like a toy. It's red, which is what the Red Sparrow likes, often carrying items of red color into his bank heists. Red Sparrow walks into the Santander Bank on State Street in Boston and informs the manager his red toy pistol might be loaded and wants to be taken to the vault-room. The bank personnel are rather shocked, but Red Sparrow explained, "I have little intention to create noise or fear here today, so just carry on with your usual work routines everyone, please."

The manager and an escorting disarmed guardsman escort the Red Sparrow bank robber into the Santander Bank vault on State Street in Boston that heist day. Red Sparrow is in a hat and sunglasses and is wearing a hat and gloves and is therefore more or less indistinguishable in terms of appearance. The manager/guard are told to take him into the vault-room and once inside, Red Sparrow covers the security camera inside the vault-room with a handkerchief belonging to the bank manager. He then extracts $20 million diamonds from one of the safe-boxes inside the vault-room.

RED SPARROW: The cool thing about diamonds is that they're easy to move and store and therefore heist-friendly!

Red Sparrow walked out of the Santander Bank on State Street in Boston that heist-day with the million-dollar diamonds, niftily hidden in the resewn seams of his jacket. He leaves a photo of himself for the bank manager to give to the Boston Police Department (BPD) and the Boston Herald (newspaper!). On the back of the Polaroid instant-photo, Red Sparrow has written the funny if revealing caption-note, "These insured diamonds belong to a very corrupt man with corrupt ties to the Boston underworld linked to a narcotics organization from British Columbia, and this heist was a public-service announcement regarding the frailty of Boston bosses, so beware!"

BOSTON HERALD: We believe these string of bank robberies performed by the likes of Red Sparrow suggest modern disease!

Of course, the Boston Police Department (BPD) finds this strange pseudo-vigilante deed performed by the eccentric Red Sparrow rather hilarious. They like the fact that a Boston crime-boss has been proverbially 'tickled pink' by the actions of an underground master-thief with a special grudge against North American narcotics dominions or rings. The BPD has told local officials to be on the look for strange traffic regarding crime-dominion infiltration in Boston and to maintain good cheer in the great city in this time of rather profound traffic diaries and immigration complications.

ESTELLE: Why'd you do it, honey?
SPARROW: I love you!

ESTELLE: I can't keep up with you, love.

SPARROW: You're my Boston girl!

ESTELLE: I work in a video-store, darling.

SPARROW: So what?
ESTELLE: I want a normal and simple Boston life, man.

SPARROW: I'm workin' on it, baby, because I love you!

ESTELLE: We'll see...

Students in Boston begin blogging about the strange behavior of this new Boston master-thief known now as the Red Sparrow. Is he a friend of anti-crime boss work or a provocateur of more crime fires in the great city of Boston? Should the students of Boston think more about the days of Sacco and Vanzetti in US history or the days of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? These Boston students simply worry that their great city is plagued by the concerns of traffic depression!

SPARROW: I want my darling Estelle to feel she and I have something secure with our son Damian...in Boston.

Apparently, there's lots of bank robberies in Boston. This tale is meant to reveal a strange American imagination regarding the ebullient flow of drama in the modern American city and why, perhaps, Boston has come to symbolize the great flowery of modern urban dialysis. God bless Boston (and the Sox!).

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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)