I want to break free

*** Now ***

I close the door behind me and I hook my keys in the hanger.

“Hey, honey!”

“Hi, mom! I got off work earlier today so I figured I’d drop by.”

“Sure! Come here.”, she asks and I enter the living room.

“Hi, guys!”, I say with a big smile.

“How are you, darling?”, my dad asks and a shiver of fear goes down my spine when I see his tremor has gotten worse since I saw him last. But I get my feelings under control before they show:

“I'm good! Tired a bit. You?”

“The usual.”, he replies.

“Are you hungry, dear? We were just about to have dinner.”, mom ads.

“Sure. You know I can’t say no to your food.”. I love how completing her cooking gets her on cloud nine, so I always do it.

The silence is thick when mom leaves me and dad alone. We used to play, and run, and have fun. But since the MS got hold of him, he drifted away from me, as if ashamed to be around me.

We look awkwardly at each other and none knows what topic to bring up. 

“I see you’ve got a new TV.”, I try.

“Yeah. The other one just quit working one day.”

“How are you feeling?”, I ask, feeling weird to avoid the elephant in the room. He’s sick and as much as he hates talking about it, I can’t pretend it’s not happening. His face gets sad.

“Worse and worse.”, he admits and I feel my heart constricting. I grab his hand on the table and I squeeze it hard.

“We'll figure this out. I promise you.”. His eyes meet mine and he smiles. He nods, but the bitter look on his face tells me he doesn’t believe me. Hell, I don’t.

“Voila!”, mom exits the kitchen with a big pasta bowl.

“That looks delicious, mom.”, I say, glad she covered up the hurtful silence between dad and me.

I can barely swallow my food when I see dad’s hand unable to lift itself to eat his meal. God, when has it gotten so bad? I bite my lip so I stop myself from crying. I don’t know how to help him, but even if I did, he wouldn’t let me. Mom grabs his hand and she leads it to his mouth, while I look down at my plate. 

“So, Ili, tell us about your job. How’s that going?”, mom breaks the silence once more.

“It’s fine. All good. My boss is a little bit of a nightmare, but I’m handling her.”, I laugh.

“Judy!”, dad says in a weird voice and he grabs mom’s hand, looking scared.

She leaves her food and she moves next to him to help him get up. I do the same, but my dad stops me: “Please, Ilinca, let your mother!”.

“It's okay.”, she says, “I got this. Let’s go. Easy.”

My petrified face can’t be hidden. His pants have a big, wet stain and the smell tells me exactly what happened. I feel so helpless and I just watch them heading to the bathroom with small steps.

“It's fine. It’s okay.”. I hear my mom repeating until they close the bathroom door. I press my mouth with my palm, but a sob still escapes my throat.

I run out on the porch and leaning into the first tree I see, I let myself cry my feelings out. And I cry. And I cry. Until my eyes turn all red and puffy and I feel like I have no more air in my lungs. I sigh profoundly and I lean into the tree for support. The spasms of my crying still shake my body and I look at the night’s skyline. 

Please. Please, give me a way to help him. Something- anything… I’ll do anything that you ask. Please.

Hot tears wet my skin again and I can’t shake off the feeling I’m failing both of them. 

“Ilinca?”. Mom’s voice resounds from inside the house.

“Coming.”, I say with my voice still shaky. I wipe away my tears and I take a deep breath. She can’t see me like this. If it’s one person this cursed disease is even more difficult for than my dad, it's her. 

As I come inside the house, she’s cleaning the dishes in the kitchen, but dad is nowhere near.

“I put him to bed.”, she clarifies without looking at me. I feel her pain and I go hug her.

“I’m sorry.”, I say and she tilts her head to meet my arm.

“Me too, honey. But we have to deal with what we face.”, she says strongly.

“You can be weak. You can cry. It’s only us two.”, I say warmly and stops the faucet to turn and face me. Her eyes are flooded with tears and she hugs me tightly.

“I missed you so much.”, she says through her sobs. 

“Me too, mom.”, I say. 

“He's depressed, Ili. He’s not talking. And I’m…I’m so alone!”, she confesses, cupping her face in her palm and I hug her tighter.

“He’ll get through it. We’ll get him to talk to someone and it’ll get better.”. She nods. “Any word on the insurance?”, I continue and she lifts her cheek off my shoulder, trying to regain her toughness. 

“They won’t cover the cost of IGIV. It’s 40,000 dollars.”, she informs me, while she dabs her runny nose with a tissue. “Because surprise, surprise, it’s not on their list.”, she goes on.

“I'm sorry, mom. I’m sorry I’m so useless in this.”, I admit my guilt to her.

“How can you even say that?”, she interrupts me and she takes my face in her palms. “You are my strength, Ilinca. You are keeping me going. And your father too. Don’t ever say that again.”. I nod.

“Come here.”, I say, “We'll get through this, somehow.”, I encourage her.

“Yes, we will.”, she pulls back from my hug and she grabs my shoulders, forcing me to look her in the eye. “Don't wrap your life around this. It’s not your responsibility, do you hear me? Not the money, not any of it.”.

“You're my family. It’s on me too and I’ll help the best I can; I won’t just walk away and bury my head in the sand. I want to help”. She kisses my forehead gently. “I'll stay here overnight in case he has another episode.”, I add. 

“Thank you.”, she says appreciatively. I squeeze her hand tighter in mine.

I can’t believe I’m eager to go to work…But, as much as I hate to admit it, being in this house makes me struggle for air. I couldn’t get any sleep last night as worries crowded my mind and dad’s incident played over and over in my head. I leave home at 8:30 sharp and I leave my mom a text I’ll be back in the evening. I put my headphones in and I try to forget about everything for the next thirty minutes until I reach my lovely office. As I’m scrolling down my playlist, my stomach clenches nervously when I come across a song of Altisak’s. I press my lips in a hard line and I shake my head slowly, in resignation: 'Stop thinking about it’, I command myself.

I tried not to get my hopes up, but I did it anyway. It's a beautiful idea to believe and it was nice to dream about it for a while, but I have to land my feet back on the ground now. 

All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing in my hand:

Unknown ID calling

My breath freezes. It can’t be…Can it?

With shaky hands, I swipe right to answer and a party of mixed emotions explodes inside me in anticipation.

“Where are you?”

“Diana…Hi.”, I say disappointed and I can’t feel dumber for thinking otherwise.

“Why on Earth aren’t you already here, like I asked you?”, she resumes furious.

“You, um, you didn't ask me.”, I defend myself.

“Get here now!”, she threatens, "The conference room is a mess and I have a meeting in an hour."

“I’m on my way.”

“Ilinca?”, she continues acidly.

“Yes?”, I answer crippled.

“If this happens one more time, don’t even bother coming to work the next day.”. And she hangs up. My frustration reaches unbearable levels and I want to scream from the top of my lungs. But the hundreds of people surrounding me at the subway station stop me. I support my forehead with my palm, desperately trying to get myself to calm down. 

The phone’s vibrating once more in my pocket and my rage bursts out:

“What?”, I yell angrily. Who the hell does she think she is? I’m done. I’m so done!

"Ilinca Sava?”, a man’s voice is coming from the other end of the line. My eyes open wide.

“This is she. Sorry for before.”, I excuse myself for my tone.

“I’m calling from MTV. I have some good news for you, miss.”. I lose it. I cover my mouth with the free hand in disbelief.

“You're joking.”, I murmur.

“Not at all, Ilinca. Congratulations! You’re a top 10 semifinalist in Altisak’s road manager contest!”. 

My knees go weak and I let out a high pitched scream. Everybody turns around and I lift my hand in the air apologetically. I can’t erase the smile on my face. 

“Oh my God!”. It’s all I can articulate as an avalanche of joy and excitement deadens my coherence.

“You'll get an email soon with all you need to know for the semifinal round. Congratulations again!”, the man continues.

“I’m speechless, sorry.”, I laugh.

“Take your time. It’s quite a shocker, I can imagine.”, he empathises.

“God, I don’t know who you are, but I love you!”. We both laugh and after thanking him again, the call gets cut.

I’m frozen for a couple of seconds, unable to move: this just happened, I’m a semifinalist! I bite strongly on my thumb, forbidding the second scream to come out and I still can’t stop smiling. Although thrilled, I’m unbelieving- as if waiting to wake up at any moment. But I don’t. And the more I think about it, the more real it starts to feel. 

I tilt my head upwards, thankful. Right when I stopped hoping, right when I stopped believing, this happens. I scoff, thinking that something up there might actually have a plan for me. 

The next week passes at the most torturing slow-motioned pace possible. Anticipation makes the time expand and it leaves me more nervous by the hour. I’m eager, excited, and petrified when the big date finally comes along.

“Number 18…, number 18. Aw, there it is, you just passed it. Can you pull over here?", I say pleadingly.

“There you go. Oh my God, Ili, good luck!”, Mia shouts energetically. "Call me when you’re done okay?”, she carries on, as she stops the car next to a tall glass building.

“I can’t do this.”, I say, looking terrified at the endless skyscraper I’m about to enter.

“Yes, you can!”

I sigh and my ration manages to numb my anxieties.

“Ok, yeah, you’re right. I can!”

“Yes, you can! Don’t you hear anything else in your head but that!”. I smile at her encouragement.

“Thanks for giving me a ride, M!”,

“Of course!”, she says lastly and after I wave goodbye one last time, I exit the car.

Watching Mia driving away, I look up again at the dizzying height of the skyscraper next to me. I try my best to ignore the intimidating looks of it and I enter. I take the elevator to the top floor, as told in the instructions email. On the 20th floor, a long, marble lobby shows itself and I follow it until the very end to a large waiting area. 10 chairs are arranged across the room, of which only one is still free. With all the eyes staring at me, I try not to get too self-conscious as I head to it. My seat is in between a blonde woman who wears cowboy boots- in July!- and another girl with opulent jewellery hanging off her neck and wrists. I take my seat when I take another look around the room, I notice there is no-one as young as me. They all seem to have passed their early twenties, except for maybe the Jewellery- Girl on my left, to whom I wouldn’t give a day over 18. 

Everybody does some polite small talk which fills the silence, but as far as I can tell, they’re all on a mission to win. 

“Hello. You all made, I see.”, a man’s voice raises above ours and we all greet him back. “Let me count you real quick. Yeah, it’s all 10 of you! How are we doing this morning?”

“Good, thank you.”, we all say choir-like.

“Fantastic. I’ll invite you in now.”, he says as he unlocks the door that we’ve been anxiously staring at for the last 30 minutes. “My name is Michael and I’ll lead today’s semifinals.”, the man continues and loud cheers and claps follow his introduction. "I’m part of Altesak’s management and, as you know, today’s competition wouldn’t be possible without our partners from MTV.”, and some more acclamations follow. "During the tasks, I’ll give you, a camera will accompany each of you, separately, at all times. You’ll star in their MTV special”, Michale ads with a large grin on his face and he gets another wave of excitement from us, as a response. “The shots they’ll take will also help me determine how well you’ve guys performed throughout the trials of today. Everything clear so far?”, he asks while turning around to scan all of us before he moves on:

“Here we have Caleb, one of our camera guys.”, Michael points at the man standing by the door with a huge recording device on his shoulder. “He's already started to record you because our official semifinals start at quarter past- which is in… 3 minutes.”, he announces, spiking up the suspense. Nervous noises fill in the room and Michael laughs at our overwhelmed reactions. We all laugh back and we wish good luck to each other. “Okay, ready or not….”, he says while looking at his phone, “I announce the semifinals for the Altisak’s Road Manger have officially begun. By the end of today, two of you will get chosen to go to the final interview with Luke, Richard, Alex,… ”, he prolongs the sentence as gasps become lauder and lauder, “…, Bruce and Nelson." he finally finishes off, with a wide smile imprinted on his face. We watch him closely, with curious eyes, impatient to see what’s next. “First things first: do you see the safes surrounding us?”. We all nod as an answer. “I want you to leave your phones and your wallets in there.”. We remain shocked for a couple of moments until the first courageous one obeys his instruction.

“What the…”, was the only thing left for us to say before we execute blindly Michael’s request. We smile at each other, puzzled, and we wait for the next command. 

“That includes your credit cards, your cash, your check books…”, Michael smiles and I see how our confusion is tremendous fun for him. “Very good, thank you.”, he keeps on laughing. “No worries, they’re safe there and you’ll get them back by the end of today. Now, your first challenge. Are you ready?”. Adrenaline grows wild in me and I can barely breathe, waiting for him to make his announcement. “You have 90 minutes to check into a hotel in, or near Manhattan, and here comes the bomb: moneyless.”. My jaw drops at the sound of that and when I look around, I see I’m not the only one left speechless. Perplexed gazes look emptily at each other, sharing their cluelessness. Moments after finding out, I manage to get a grip on myself and I start thinking about how to go about this. In 90 minutes! Michael claps his hands noisily and he continues with one last interaction before he leaves the room: ”Meet me no later than 6 p.m. at The Clocktower in Madison Square. Don’t be late.”.  And he exits the door fast.

Caleb, who stayed quiet all this time, takes the lead now for allocating each of us a cameraman.

“Ilinca Sava, you have John Twiner accompanying you.”, and as soon as I see a short, white-haired man waving over at me, I start hustling to him and I urge him almost rudely to go. The clock's ticking already

“John, nice to meet you.”, he says.

“Hi, I'm Ilinca! Nice to meet you too!", I say back, feeling sorry for my prior rudeness.

Once get on the street, I take a minute to do my time-management in my head: the walk until Madison Square will take me half an hour unless I hitchhike. I’m not saying I’m above doing that, but I’ll still keep it as my last solution to get there. Plan A is to find a hotel room in an hour. Well, less than an hour, now that I'm looking at my watch. Somehow, the claw of anxiety doesn’t grip onto me just yet and I’m thankful I remain lucid. Around me, all the others seem to have lost control of their nerves.

The first two tries are complete fails and by the time the third hotel shuts me down, panic sets in. Forget the no money part! Finding a vacant hotel room in the heart of Manhattan is enough of a challenge alone!

Refusing to give up, I decided to give my last shot to the worst looking building on the avenue. I have time for only one more go and I stake it on that shabby, ready-to-fall-apart hotel I see in front of me. This is my last shot. I enter the dingy reception and I ring the bell on the counter. A man shows up immediately.

“Hello!”, I say with the most charming smile I can pull off and he reciprocates it with a wide grin. 

“How can I help you?”, he says elegantly.

“Do you happen to have a little extra side room where I could stay in for the night? “, I say and I’m holding my breath for his answer, as it could decide my fate.

“Is there any reason why you mentioned the side room? If you're interested in a normal single room, we have plenty of options.”, he tries and I realise I forgot to tell him the part where I have no money to pay for the room.

“Yeah, you see, the reason why I asked for the side room is that, um”, I pause to find the right words, "my bank account is frozen”, I say, surprised by the inventiveness of my own lie, "and I can’t pay for the room until morning when the issue will be remedied. I don’t want to hold up a perfectly good room in these circumstances.”. His face looks confused, but he believes me and I see his frown relaxing slowly.

“Sure, miss, I understand. In this case, we can help you out. We have a little room which we use the house the maids overnight, but to your luck, it’s free tonight. Would you like to take a look?”, he asks me and I can barely hold myself from kissing him. I did it! I checked in with no money and all this in time to get back by 6. After I tell the receptionist it was all for a contest, he angrily gets me out of the hotel, but I’m too thrilled about my success to care about it. I did it! All this time, a little camera, hidden in my blouse, recorded everything and once I’m thrown out of the reception, I entrust it back to my cameraman. Now, with proud steps, I hurry to the meeting point, while wondering how many others managed to succeed.

“Good job!”, John says, as we walk the crowded sidewalks.

“I was really nervous the camera was noticeable on this fabric- the contrast is pretty big.”, I say almost yelling to cover up the noise on the street.

“No, it was just fine. You made it and we have proof of that right here.”, he notes, lifting the little camera I gave him in the air, victoriously. I laugh at his sweetness. “For a moment I thought they saw me standing outside.”, he continues.

“No, they were too thrilled they finally had a customer to notice anything else.”, I say and my reply makes him laugh.

The bustle of Madison Square transforms the sidewalk into a real maze and it's starting to feel impossible to find the group on time. 5 minutes before the time runs up and my eyes turn to John, trying to remain calm:

“Hey, do you even know where we’re at because I’m lost?”

“We're here.”, he says and he points out at the restaurant entrance next to us.

"Thank God!”, I answer relieved.

I take a look at the rest and they all seemed to have a hint of disappointment radiating from their gazes. Did they fail? No matter what the answer to that was, I couldn't stop my pride from swelling up inside. 

“Okay, it seems like only 3 of you checked-in, in a hotel so far. We’re still waiting or 2 more to return to the group and then we’ll move on to the second challenge. Good job everyone.”, Michael says after consulting the camera crew for proof of our check-ins. It wasn’t long before the group got complete again, but the 2 latecomers don't have any good news to share at their arrival.

“Here comes the second challenge.”, Michale announces and one of the two winners of the last round makes a loud, enthusiastic sound. “Alright! In the next 60 minutes you have to acquire as many items as you can from this list.”, Michael continues while handing us all a fully written page. Holly cow! 

“You have 80 dollars on your hands for this. At 8:30 sharp, you must be next to the Empire State Building. Any minute later than that will play against you. Each of your cameramen will hand you a note once you get to the Empire State Building and you need to follow exactly what that note says.”

“So will we meet you there, or?”, a woman asks.

“No.”

“How will we find you then?", another one tries to clarify.

“The note will tell you. Good luck.”, he says while slowly walking backward and his cunning smile leaves us all, once more, completely baffled. But that’s only the beginning of it because when I drop my gaze on the paper he gave us…

“See how many people fit in the shopping cart? Black toilet paper? Is that even a thing? Get a face paint like the Kiss rock band’s members? Okay, John, let’s go.”, I say, as I realise being stuck is not an option.

I first get done what I thought to be the easiest: I awkwardly hugged a policeman, I asked a random woman for her autograph and I asked for a discount on a one-dollar lollipop. Even though that cashier gave me the most disgusted look, I convinced her to give it to me for free. As my eyes scrutinise further the list in my hand, I make the pact with myself to leave my dignity behind for the next 40 minutes: there’s no room for shame now.

“Oh, what the hell?”, I think, as I approach 3 teenagers to hop into a shopping cart.

“Could you do that for me? It’d really help me a lot.”, I say with a begging face and I point at the camera behind me. “I'm with the Altisak contest.”, I add, hoping this might be enough of a justification for my weird request. And to my amazement, they do it and we end up having a good laugh. 

“What's next?”, John asks amused at my shameless attitude.

“Let's get that ‘Kiss' look!”, I say determined and I crack a smile too.

30 minutes later, the 80 dollars are way gone, but only half of the list is crossed out. I’m not very pleased with what I did and on top of it all, I have a shocking painting all over my face. Nonetheless, I manage to get to the Empire State Building right on time: it’s 8:30 sharp.

“Okay, we’re here.”, I say, turning to John. “What now?”. He responsibly kept the secret to himself all along, just like Michael instructed. But now he gets the note out of his pocket for the big reveal.

“You’re not gonna like this.”, he warns me and he makes a dramatic pause for suspense.

“John, please, whatever it is, I probably don’t have a lot of time to do it.”, I urge him. 

But as soon as I unfold the note, I wish I didn’t:

Be on the Brooklyn Bridge by 9 o’clock. If you are late, you’re out of the completion. 

Good luck!

Michael.