Through My Eyes

"If only he knew, if only he could touch my hand and let my emotions and thoughts spill out to him. He would know he wasn't the only one suffering."

I walked outside after collecting his things from inside. He hadn't left yet? His car was still parked in front

of the house. I took a second to glance at his face through the windshield with little success. The rain was

pouring that day.. what a coincidence. He had his head hanging down with his hands tight on the steering

wheel. I knew he didn't want to leave. I didn't want to accept it. I needed to stand my ground. I opened the

passenger side door and tossed his bag into the seat, "Here's all of your things." I attempted to close the door

but he whispered something toward me. I wanted to close the door so badly and ignore any temptations but

hearing his voice... I had to know. What would be your last words to me? I waited for him to say something

again but instead he looked at me. His eyes are always so bright, and full, but looking at them I saw nothing

but weakness and pain. He said my name. It took every ounce of me to close the door anyway and refrain

from crying the best I could. 

 I closed the door and swallowed my tears. I began to walk away but I heard him open the door. Why can't

I just leave already? Why do I have to keep waiting to hear what he had to say? Everything is over, and yet I

can't even move? Maybe I just needed a closure. He stood in front of me when I turned around. His eyes

pleaded and his voice broke. Seeing him cry crushed me.. and unwillingly, tears escaped my eyes and I looked

away. "Please.. I'm so sorry I lied, I did that so-" I became angry and interrupted, "It doesn't matter why you

lied! You still lied to me... again." He tried again to plead why but I yelled this time, "You know we have

been through this before, you lying to me has done nothing but cause me pain each and every time, and yet

after three years you still did it again!" He paused and looked away after my eyes were fiercely upon his, "I'm

sorry.." I shook my head trying even harder to resist from exposing pain, "If you were truly sorry, you would

have stopped the first time." I watched as my words sunk in by his sudden quiet expression. "I didn't mean to

hurt you.." he whispered, at this point he had no control over the tears that escaped his eyes, even through the

pouring rain I could see them. We had always been through moments like this.. breaking up, walking away.

But this time.. if I didn't, nothing would change. I knew this time I had to stand my ground, or he would

continue to take advantage of my forgiveness. 

 

      I knew he loved me, because each and every day we cherished each others presence for three years.. He was my best friend and I was his. Being without each other for even a day bothered us. We were just one of those people that were tied to the hip and didn't care what other people thought. As long as we were together. 

More tears escaped my eyes when I had to even imagine a moment of the days waiting ahead of me without him.

My heart is broken by the mere thought.. I finally replied, "You did hurt me though.." I put my hand across

my chest, "You can't keep doing this to me.. You can't keep breaking my heart." my voice broke. I watched

closely as his eyes squeezed shut and I knew inside he crumbled. Finally I swallowed my fear, "You need to

leave now.." 

 He instantly spoke and pleaded, "Please don't make me do this.. I don't have anything without you. Nothing

matters without the both of you." I looked away.. I knew even upon our differences, there was still a young,

beautiful baby boy inside that needed his father. I broke down again... What will I do? Is it safe for us to still

do this? What if seeing him with our son weakens me again? More thoughts rushed into my mind. I was so

confused. I shook my head rejecting them, "We need some time.." His eyes looked into mine worried

instantly, "What do you mean?" It was hard for me speak after that. "You mean I can't see him either?" he

demanded. I had to defend my actions, "You need to stay away for awhile.. Until you get on your own feet."

His head bowed and his hand had to support his weight against the car, "For how long?" He knew he had

nowhere else to go, and the one place he did he had nothing but negativity and frustration awaiting there. I

repeated myself, "Until your on your own feet." He knew as well as I did that would take awhile, we had

depended on each other so much for the past three years that any other way without each other would be

strange to us. We had started our lives together, I never imagined we would have to figure out how it would end. 

 I told him once again and the last time I could bear it, "You need to go.." He began to refuse, "NO, I won't

leave you both, I can't, you both are all I have to live for." I pleaded, "Please.. Don't hurt me anymore. By you

staying your hurting me. Your going to make me relive all of this pain everyday?" His shoulders lowered once

again and he became defenseless again. The one thing that always broke him into pieces was a threat against

my happiness.. He knew he couldn't fight against anything that has been done when he knew I was truly hurt.

He had always defended me, protected me, faithful to my side, tended to my every need. I knew once I had

said that he would go. My heart felt as if it was literally cracking each time I had to force him away. Your

heart can't feel physical pain from heart break, because as they say, it's your brain that sends the signals.. but I

swore at that moment there had been an awful impact that caused such pain in my heart. I knew he was

leaving now. Before he did he attempted to reach out his hand but I moved mine away, yet another crack. He

wanted to say goodbye and as much as warmth would have comforted me.. I knew I couldn't give in. My love

for him is what got me hurt like this. 

 We took a moment to look into each other's eyes once more, he shook his head, "I'm sorry I hurt you, I

really am." He could see the pain in my eyes. Although the pain felt like at the moment it wasn't from him

hurting me? It was the pain I had from having to let him go. I knew any minute he would be gone.. and I

wouldn't see him. I wouldn't get to see his beautiful, bright eyes, or breath taking smile. I would see pain in

his eyes, I would see a loss. I wouldn't get to hear his laugh, or his exciting expression when he came home

and had something incredible to tell me. If only you knew.. this is a loss for me as well. I was more scared of

losing you than anything else. He took a glance at the house despite his tears and pleaded. I nodded my head

and slowly trailed behind him as he went to say goodbye to his little one for awhile. 

 My arms clutched around me tightly as I had to watch my baby boy cling to him. He whimpered as his

father stood after kissing him on the forehead and hugging him for a long while. He pushed himself against

his legs and held his arms up wanting him to hold him. Yet another crack. I felt so broken inside, our little

one had no idea what was happening. All he knew was that Daddy was leaving, and why couldn't he come

with? He picked him up and held him for awhile again, "I love you.. be good for your mommy ok?" Our little

one couldn't understand, he thought he had won and was coming with by being held so he rested his head on

his shoulder. Another crack. At this point he had to shift our little one back to me, because his crying was so

hard to control. I comforted our little one until he stopped crying as well. Be strong.. be strong. I kept having to repeat that to myself. The more time that went on the more I didn't want to do this.. But I

have to. I have to be strong for me and my son. I kissed his cheek and stepped inside to set him down and let

him play. My mother picked him up and kissed him plenty of times to distract him. I stepped back outside.

There wasn't much to say.. In fact there was a long pause. Neither one of us wanted to walk away first.. but

this is the way it had to be. It's over. He walked to me slowly. We stood side by side for the last time. He

rested his head down on my shoulder... another crack. My eyes squeezed shut as his attention wasn't on mine.

I had to physically fight the urge to hold him back, the way I always held him.

 He whispered in my ear, "Take care of him.." He kissed my forehead when his head raised off my

shoulder. My heart shattered. I had always been safe in his arms, being outside of them now left me feeling

empty. "I promise you.. I will take care of both of you someday again. Don't forget that. I vowed to always

take care of you, and my heart will never stop dreaming of that day to come. I need to change first and I will."

I looked down to the ground. I thought for a moment almost smiling. I pictured us old together, him wrinkled

and smiling his beautiful bright smile with his back old and hunched approaching my doorstep with flowers,

"I'm here to take care of you now, honey-bee." Another tear went down my cheek at the thought of us laying

beside one another holding hands. The promises we made to each other. We are still so young.. there's a

lifetime ahead of us. Maybe, just maybe someday. No matter how much time passed I knew he would never

forget his promise to me. We lived for each other. We had to learn how to live without each other, what it

would be like, I don't know, but I had to try. "I wont forget that." I whispered to him. We met each others gaze

and had that last moment of goodbye. As he began to walk away my arms returned around me. My mind was

slowing down as I watched him walk away. He walked to his car and got in, but before he was gone he said

aloud what my voice couldn't, "I love you." I nodded slowly so he knew I heard him and I walked to the bench

to sit down and after moments of him only attempting to drive off, he was finally gone. I love you, too.

Author's Note

(A center piece of my starting book, I'm looking for an opinion of weather this is a moving story to write. Would you find this a book worth reading?)