An Open Letter to My Soulmate...

A Poem by Ally

Catharsis is bleeding your heart onto the page.

I can still taste your name as it passes my lips - a cool mentholated exhale of mescaline and vanilla.

You represent a bittersweet and existential awakening of my soul.

And I loved you.

I remember your shoulder length brown and curling hair the night we met. You kept brushing it out of your eyes and then behind your ear as you moved cooly through the bar. Your eyes caught mine and half smiled like you had seen a familiar emotion or felt a breath of destiny pass through you.

I made a calculated, though inexperienced, 18 year old headfirst dive into you.

But we weren’t ready then. The pieces didn’t quite fit and fell away.

You were too wild, and I was too naïve.

But, I knew the effect you would have on me. You were intoxicating. I was so wanton and so irrevocably consumed by the gentle glide of your fingers across guitar strings and the raspy, marijuana laced pain in your voice.

My heart pained for you. To fix you. To love you. To make a life with you.

We met again, later in life.

Gravity pulled our souls back into orbit and we fell madly, wildly, completely, and dangerously in love.

We made a home together. It was filled with music, literature, dragons, drugs, sex fueled madness, and euphoria.

I can still feel the pout of your lips against my neck - the gentle curve of your c**k against my tongue, and your taught hold on my black hair as you pulled and pushed my hips deeply against yours. I still ache for you - your bad girlfriend. Your brunette Jenna Jameson. Your submissive w***e.

I wanted to have your children. The memory of each aborted and miscarried birth makes my soul wrench and writhe in despair.

In the snow one February evening, you knelt on one knee and asked me to be your wife. The snowflakes fell light and cool around us - one landed on your eyelash and twinkled as I said yes.

Soulmates.

But with your growing unpredictable temper, my innocent hope and joy began to fade.

Why did you hit me? Why did you tear me apart, word by abusive word?

You made pasting the shattered pieces of my heart back together an art.

And I loved you for it. I feared you for it.

Yet somehow, I don’t know what to do with myself now that you’re gone.

I war daily with my desire to be a good and honorable wife and mother, and the undeniable, insatiable desire to be with you.

Long after we are gone, our initials will still be found carved into that tree in the back of your parent’s yard, on the hand rails of the Appalachian Trail, and etched in the most northerly stone of Grandfather Mountain.

You will always feel me here, just as I still feel the familiar sting of you.

Somehow, I find comfort in this.

You are in every breath I inhale, and every thought and emotion my soul exhales.

I am within and without - without you.

© 2017 Ally

Author's Note

*I credit F. Scott Fitzgerald's 'The Great Gatsby' for the last line.

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Reviews

Chris

We don't choose whom we love - just whom we like... sometimes we even survive the Other's ANGERS, NEEDS-to-HURT, Control, Jealousy. BUT the kids - even us way back when - pay ...we pay Hell's price.