Part of my life.

This has helped me see a lot. I'm sorry. the chapters are extremely out of order right now.

My mother, if that's what you would like to call her, use to be my hero, my everything. I thought she couldn't do any wrong. I always felt like she would be there for me forever even if she was in prison or not. I guess we can go back to when she started drugs which was right after I as born. People sometimes change good or bad when they have a child, but most of the time its for the good. My mom was the percentage of people that turn to drugs, and turn bad. My little sister Brianna was hooked to crack cocaine when she was born. She was breast feed until the age of 2 where she was hooked to cocaine, but had to be stopped breastfeeding when my mom discovered she was pregnant with my other little sister, Tiffany. Tiffany was born a month early, and she has always been very small, and has a low immune system. These could be causes because my mom was still on cocaine when she was born. My mom didn't breastfeed her though. After Tiffany my mom seemed to be more and more hooked on cocaine. It was like she could never get enough. I always noticed my mom's behavior even when I was very young. Now, don't think my father had nothing to do with this because he is just at fault as my mom is, but my father actually stepped up his father role and became the father he is today that i knew he could always be.
With both of my parents on drugs, my father was very violent, and my mom turned to drugs more. I always thought that she could never love anything more than her kids, but i was surely wrong. The love we could not provide her was hidden by the drugs she did.  She then started cheating on my father with different drug dealers thus producing my little brother, Cameron. He came out mixed, black and white. You can deffintally tell that he is not my father's biological son, but that doesn't stop my father from loving and taking him in.  My mom didn't only cheat on my father, she also cheated on him with drug dealers to get drugs. After Cameron was born she went to a certain drug dealer named Bobby. Gaberial was born, and I was 6 years old.
We all knew that he was not my fathers son, too, but this still didn't stop my father from caring. By the time I was 7 about to turn 8, and Gabreial's first birthday had not yet came around we had cops knocking on the door for my mom. I still remember my moms face, and how I hid everyone in the bedroom knowing what was going on. My brothers, sisters, and I were allowed to say good-bye to her, but what we didn't know at the time was that she was going to be gone for a time span of 3 years this time in prison. I remember her face exactly, every detail as tears streamed down my face, and  I couldn't see anything, but her. Her face in the back of that police car. I never thought I'd see this, but through everything looking back I know that it was the best to do.
My father still had to worry about us children while all of us had our mother ripped away from us. He could only take a few days off of work, so he called my uncle, Mark. I appreciate what he did for us more than a lot of things.


Well, I'm skipping to December. My mom and I got into an argument about having my little brother's biological dad around which JUST got out of prison. She told me to get out of her house and to never come back, so I listened and then a few weeks later she called my sister from the hosiptal and was blaming me because she got in a reck and tried to kill herself saying, 'it'd all amber's fault i wanted to die.' She went back to prison the next day.

Well since then me and her have not really talked, but a few times. Mostly every time we talk we have been arguing. The last time we talked we were arguing, but it was just as bad as it was before. It flashed me back to December, and I can't get over it.
I was talking to my mom today, and she again yet told me to leave her alone...She never thinks about how I feel. Not once. I wish I knew why she was like this. I just don't know anymore. I've never had a mother figure just a mom that tried to act like my best friend, and it feels terrible having her not want to be around me or want anything to do with me. I may have told her I want nothing to do with her at the moment because I can not trust her, but she wants nothing to do with me at all... I just don't know anymore.... so the last and final time she will ever say anything to me begins like this.


"Amber Michaela, 1st off u were the one always badmouthing Heather,saying how mean she was to all of you,especially you,complaining how she was only w/ your dad for money and the house,and the reason I haven't tried to talk to you is because I refuse to allow you to continue to use me as you sit around badmouthing me,the only time you called which- wasn't all that long ago,was when you cried and said you wanted to come live here and you hated your dad and Heather, then when Stormy's phone was found that you had stolen 4 a whole month(who's the thief)now I AM GONNA RESPECTIVELY ASK YOU TO PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE,STOP RUNNING YOUR MOUTH ABOUT ME, AND TO STOP SAYING NASTY S**T ABOUT ME.Amber,I love you and I always will,and I've always tried to give you whatever you ask for because I wasn't always there,you're right I did F**K-UP,but I paid the price and still am,always will,because there's nothing that meant more to me than my children and I'm empty w/o them. The only thing I will say is your dad was more at fault than I was,yet he never paid any price,he continued w/our life,made it his through Mark's and Doris help,while I had nothing to hold onto,s**t your dad didn't spend that time taking care of you,he only financially provided,if you remember correctly Mark raised you'all while he worked and then hid in his bedroom smoking crack(i'm a crackhead?????)and you can't deny the truth because it was me who called Frankie and Diane and they all pulled an intervention( where he broke down admitting everything) you yourself said Heather was in my old bedroom yelling at your dad about 3 months ago calling him a no-good crackhead, and how you thought he still used once in awhile. Now, instead of either Myself or Mark,Heather is responsible for taking care of you as he pretty much stays in his bedroom once he's home from work. So maybe little girls who live in glass castles shouldn't throw rocks or thir facade might just start to crack!!!!! Yes,I've done wrong,I've made the wrong choices,but I've never tried to hurt anyone else and I never lie anymore because my past was built on lies,I've never lied to you no matter what you think,I was not getting high when I was back,just so you know,and I will always love my children,so if you don't want me in your life, FINE,then please leave me alone,stop beating on your sister and saying things about me to purposely and meanheartedly hurt your siblings. Now,if you're as grown-up as you think you are surely you can read this letter and react w/respect unless you're dumber than what you think you are,after all I test in the top 4% of the US,s**t,I just don't use it!!!!!!! I act w/my heart and think w/my heart unfortunately!!!!! Leave me alone Amber,please. I've changed my life,my life before was everything your daddy taught me starting at your age,(you become a product of your envionment)which is exactly what I did (you are what life makes you,your dad was my life,think about it or pull out a couple of books and research it)or even begin by asking around,the old timers will tell the truth and not sit up there on the mountian and pretend innocence. I love you,always will,maybe too much if that's possible,I'll be here if you ever need me but never expect another present from me I'll light a candle instead I'll be here if you should feel the need w/o judgement."

Reviews

[freaknkamikaze]

I love this!!! xD