This poem literally describes EVERYTHING, but, I don't think many people would relate to it. I hope some will. Thanks for reading!
Bitter mornings, icy skin The wind taking me, leaving me no hope with-in As the leaves go brown, then turn arid I'm on my own, visualizing the sight The vision of me and him, trading kisses, making wishes The dovetail that made us lunatic, wild, weak, and outline Nevertheless, I'm not his last, nor will he ever be mine I know who I want, and what I want But, I can not fight, for what's right This desire, this crave, this fright that beats constantly with my heart The pressure, the thoughts, one impulse of my heart left The tension reaching its crest, my anxiety only felt I will fall, fall for you But all I want, is a mind with no you Detach me from this actuality, cast me at sea, and I may find my glee Because, Myself isn't itself anymore I can't explain, I can only feel that, anyhow I'm never gonna be yours, and you're never gonna be mine Why? I wonder too Along by my own, On this very big world..
Just one comment, one single opinion, positive or negative, will make me satisfied, knowing that someone took his time to read my poem. It means so much.
My Review
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"I will fall, fall for you
But all I want, is a mind with no you
Detach me from this actuality, cast me at sea, and I may find my glee
Because,
Myself isn't itself anymore
I can't explain, I can only feel that, anyhow
I'm never gonna be yours, and you're never gonna be mine"
Some powerful words of realizations in this poem. Things can happen gradually or moments at a time but the outcomes can mean different intensities. The higher the climb , the further the fall...A well written poem ( within does not need a dash ???)
This is very interesting -- I can tell you were trying to share a very powerful moment. I think, if you're going for a tense and frustrated or hurting feel, your poem might benefit from you slightly changing the layout of your poem so that the ends of phrases or thoughts do not always correspond with the ends of lines (I know, it's such a temptation to put one thought on one line, but sometimes it's better to mix it up).
Posted 10 Years Ago
10 Years Ago
Oh, I see. Before, it was not the same as it is now, I just finished editing it, I changed some word.. read moreOh, I see. Before, it was not the same as it is now, I just finished editing it, I changed some words, perhaps, the first one was better haha! However, I love sometimes to concentrate on the rhyming, but sometimes, I don't. I appreciate your replay so so much, I'll find time to look up at your work!